guess I knew it was coming

I updated my profile picture tonight with a painting that hangs on the wall in my bedroom.  I haven't shared this with anyone previously, but tonight seems like the night for whatever reason.  You see, I noticed this painting in a secondhand store about 5 years ago and was incredibly drawn to it.  It was more expensive than I normally would have paid, but I saved my money and went back and got it.  I remember thinking at the time that the portrait was of me in years to come.  I had this image of being on the ocean, looking for answers, as the woman in the painting conveys.  I remember thinking, "that will be me on the beach in South Carolina, wondering where Jeff is and if I will always be alone."  The painting fascinated me and haunted me at the same time--it had more of an affect on me than any painting I've ever seen.  Looking back, I think I knew for years that I would lose Jeff to a heart attack.  In fact, I had quite literally said to him on more than one occasion, "my biggest fear is that you'll have a heart attack and leave me to raise all these kids by myself".  I have always been one of those people who sort of "knows things" before they happen and when I go with my gut, I'm rarely wrong.  Call it premonition, mother's instinct, connectedness, or just crazy---it's there.  I guess what struck me tonight is that my biggest fear came true, but the hard part isn't raising the kids---it's the "by myself" part. And I think I knew that would be the case when I expressed my fears to Jeff---even unsaid, I know he understood that.  Fortunately, I have some good friends and have made some new ones whom I can call when I need to hear an adult voice or opinion, but I still have that feeling of being "all alone in a crowd".  My life is insanely busy and I interact with a gazillion people in the course of a day, but that connection that anchors me at the end of the day isn't there anymore. Of course, I feel the bond with Jeff that will always be there, but without him being physically here, I don't have the comfort of wrapping my tired soul in his embrace and knowing that someone always "has my back".  Like the woman in the painting, I'm trying to look to the future and hope to find some answers there.  I know what my gut tells me, but I guess only time will tell if it's accurate.  In the meantime, I'm trying to recognize the beauty right around me, as in the painting, even if the image on the horizon seems too far away to reach.  Prayers to all of you going through similar emotions and experiences. CJ

Replies

TimLovesMelissa
TimLovesMelissa

That is great painting. It\'s funny how recent events in our lives can filter how we see things. I\'m no art critic, but here are a few things I notice when looking at it. The telescope. I can see it having two different meanings. Telescopes are used to scan the \"Heavens\" so there is a spiritual element working there. They are also used to literally look into the past. Light from stars can take many years to reach us. What we see through a telescope (when looking at stars) has already happened.

The painting is small on my computer, but it looks like the woman is not looking through the telescope. This has meaning, too. She is living in the here and now, yet the telescope is at hand in case she needs it. Bodies of water usually convey depth of emotions or feelings.
wannabebeachbum
wannabebeachbum

Wow, I don\'t think I\'ll look at the painting quite the same again. It has always had meaning to me, but you brought up some things I hadn\'t thought about. I love the images/analogies you added. Thanks!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Thanks for sharing the painting and the story. It is a wonderful piece of art. I love it. As for the \"knowing\" part of your journal, I too had the knowledge that my husband was going to die. When I bought my house 5 years ago, something told me that I would be a widow in it. I also knew that he was going to die the day he did. I just knew it. I think it is a gift from God. He prepares us sometimes. I look back on it now, and I am thankful that I was prepared. It gives me some faith, which I am struggling at with the moment. I hope you have a good day, and I send lots of hugs! Shelley