guess I knew it was coming

I updated my profile picture tonight with a painting that hangs on the wall in my bedroom.  I haven't shared this with anyone previously, but tonight seems like the night for whatever reason.  You see, I noticed this painting in a secondhand store about 5 years ago and was incredibly drawn to it.  It was more expensive than I normally would have paid, but I saved my money and went back and got it.  I remember thinking at the time that the portrait was of me in years to come.  I had this image of being on the ocean, looking for answers, as the woman in the painting conveys.  I remember thinking, "that will be me on the beach in South Carolina, wondering where Jeff is and if I will always be alone."  The painting fascinated me and haunted me at the same time--it had more of an affect on me than any painting I've ever seen.  Looking back, I think I knew for years that I would lose Jeff to a heart attack.  In fact, I had quite literally said to him on more than one occasion, "my biggest fear is that you'll have a heart attack and leave me to raise all these kids by myself".  I have always been one of those people who sort of "knows things" before they happen and when I go with my gut, I'm rarely wrong.  Call it premonition, mother's instinct, connectedness, or just crazy---it's there.  I guess what struck me tonight is that my biggest fear came true, but the hard part isn't raising the kids---it's the "by myself" part. And I think I knew that would be the case when I expressed my fears to Jeff---even unsaid, I know he understood that.  Fortunately, I have some good friends and have made some new ones whom I can call when I need to hear an adult voice or opinion, but I still have that feeling of being "all alone in a crowd".  My life is insanely busy and I interact with a gazillion people in the course of a day, but that connection that anchors me at the end of the day isn't there anymore. Of course, I feel the bond with Jeff that will always be there, but without him being physically here, I don't have the comfort of wrapping my tired soul in his embrace and knowing that someone always "has my back".  Like the woman in the painting, I'm trying to look to the future and hope to find some answers there.  I know what my gut tells me, but I guess only time will tell if it's accurate.  In the meantime, I'm trying to recognize the beauty right around me, as in the painting, even if the image on the horizon seems too far away to reach.  Prayers to all of you going through similar emotions and experiences. CJ