Grumpy
Generally feeling grumpy for no particular reason. I have tried pinpointing exactly what the issue is and have failed miserably.
Oh, sure, I know everyone gets the "icky blue fuzzies" sometimes and for no particular reason, but this feels specifically related to my H. He has been calling nights that he works as we have agreed upon. He doesn't rush the conversations - if anything he'll stay on the phone as long as I keep him. He's not especially engaged in the conversations, but then, neither am I...? We've been spending time together - more than usual, even. I have made a point of going to see him before work and he's made a point of getting up early to invest a little time here and there. Still... things are not clicking.
I wish I could say exactly what was missing so I could ask him to remedy it. (Or so that I could change my actions/reactions/perspective/whatever?) It's mostly just this sense of being lonely even when we're together. Another DS friend wrote about how her W had taken for granted the time they had invested together, not viewing it as "quality" time - and truthfully, I am guilty of the same. My H and I will spend an evening together and I just think to myself, "Wow... that's it? Huh..." It doesn't feel fulfilling.
There are also little things... mostly me being paranoid even though there's no reason for the paranoia. For example, yesterday he didn't come to bed for a long time after he said he would. He claims he fell asleep on the couch. After I got up, I searched his computer for evidence of misconduct, but if there was any, I didn't find it. There's also the change to iOS5 which, with the new iMessage feature means that messages sent to others using iOS5 don't show up on the bill - or anywhere. Untraceable. This sends hot spears of fear down my spine.
We have not gone through his texts together for over a week. (Maybe almost two?) I am feeling anxious and stressed about this fact because paired with the iMessage thing, I'm afraid that he'll delete stuff and I won't know/notice. But then I get angry with myself for even worrying about it. He's not acting like anything is going on. He's attentive and affectionate. He's concerned and he's sweet. He's neglectful in his "typical" ways, not in the ways he was when he was having the A. So if there's nothing going on, why am I such a wreck?
DDay anniversary is a month away. This has me grumpy, too, but not for any specific reason. Just vague dread, I guess.
Maybe all this is just coming to a grumpy head because I'm starting to get sick. I really don't know, I just know that nothing anyone does (including myself) is right and if I could, I'd spend the next few months snuggled in bed avoiding the world at large.
'Course, then I'd just get more lonely.
Ugh.
Oh, sure, I know everyone gets the "icky blue fuzzies" sometimes and for no particular reason, but this feels specifically related to my H. He has been calling nights that he works as we have agreed upon. He doesn't rush the conversations - if anything he'll stay on the phone as long as I keep him. He's not especially engaged in the conversations, but then, neither am I...? We've been spending time together - more than usual, even. I have made a point of going to see him before work and he's made a point of getting up early to invest a little time here and there. Still... things are not clicking.
I wish I could say exactly what was missing so I could ask him to remedy it. (Or so that I could change my actions/reactions/perspective/whatever?) It's mostly just this sense of being lonely even when we're together. Another DS friend wrote about how her W had taken for granted the time they had invested together, not viewing it as "quality" time - and truthfully, I am guilty of the same. My H and I will spend an evening together and I just think to myself, "Wow... that's it? Huh..." It doesn't feel fulfilling.
There are also little things... mostly me being paranoid even though there's no reason for the paranoia. For example, yesterday he didn't come to bed for a long time after he said he would. He claims he fell asleep on the couch. After I got up, I searched his computer for evidence of misconduct, but if there was any, I didn't find it. There's also the change to iOS5 which, with the new iMessage feature means that messages sent to others using iOS5 don't show up on the bill - or anywhere. Untraceable. This sends hot spears of fear down my spine.
We have not gone through his texts together for over a week. (Maybe almost two?) I am feeling anxious and stressed about this fact because paired with the iMessage thing, I'm afraid that he'll delete stuff and I won't know/notice. But then I get angry with myself for even worrying about it. He's not acting like anything is going on. He's attentive and affectionate. He's concerned and he's sweet. He's neglectful in his "typical" ways, not in the ways he was when he was having the A. So if there's nothing going on, why am I such a wreck?
DDay anniversary is a month away. This has me grumpy, too, but not for any specific reason. Just vague dread, I guess.
Maybe all this is just coming to a grumpy head because I'm starting to get sick. I really don't know, I just know that nothing anyone does (including myself) is right and if I could, I'd spend the next few months snuggled in bed avoiding the world at large.
'Course, then I'd just get more lonely.
Ugh.
Replies
So sorry that u feel bad....I know the feeling so well
I dont know anything about ios5. The doubts are terrible and take so much away from us hopefully we will have peace one day soon
Hugs
Ah I\'m sorry you\'re feeling blue. It sounds kind of subtle and hard to offer you advice from outside your situation. Was the decision to switch to IOS5 your decision or his?
The phone update was just a natural update. It should be a good thing, since it provides unlimited free texting between people using the same operating system, but since it\'s \"free\" it\'s more like IM than texting, which means no accountability.
We both updated our phones and neither of us had any intent of hiding anything. In fact, neither of us knew about iMessage prior to updating our phones.
I guess it\'s no different than worrying whether or not he has a \"secret\" phone/email/Skype account. He is or he isn\'t, and either way I can\'t do much about it. I just really liked being able to see the phone records online and know if he was texting or calling anyone.