GRRRRRRRR stupid katie
I'm sick of being such a fuck up! I hate it that I am physically and mentally ill. I'm 21 I should be enjoying my life! I am sick sick sick of it. I hate these scars and cuts on my arm, am I not above this yet? Why must I indulge in the behaviour of a 13 year old emo kid?! I keep trying to shrug it off like I can just stop being sick but I cant. I know ultimatly its going to destroy my relationship with Sean. I'm so so angry at myself right now. I usually like myself but today I just couldn't be angrier. Sean is not angry at me. But I feel like he should be. Both my mom and my best friend have said I will drive him away if I act jealous. I hate being so insecure, but I'm so frightened of being in a relationship, I'm frightened of us loving together, what if it all goes wrong? What if he leaves me? I know I'm not the kind of person what CANT do fucked up stuff all the time, he's going to get sick of me eventually. I'm sorry katie for being so negative, but its all true!!! I always sabotage everything. My relationships, my mental health, even my own body!
Replies
Dear Sleepy,
I am hesitant to tell you this but you sound so much like myself that I thought I should try. The following info is about my upbringing. I do not know yours but if it fits then you need to know.
When people go through emotional or physical trauma at an early age the damage that may be done is life long unless someone intervenes and lets them know what and why it is happening to them.
When the person who traumatises them is completely out of their lives we take over the job of abusing us. We are not conscious of this cuz if we were we wouldn\'t do it.
We poison are own relationships, abuse our bodies, the ways that we chose to sabotage ourselves is endless.
The truth is that we do not think of ourselves as deserving of love. The person that abused us effected our self esteem so badly that we can\'t imagine anybody ever being happy with us. We tend to be very jealous, not trusting others as we see no reason why a person would remain faithful to us.
If this sounds like you then you need to talk with a professional. This is like a disease that you have, that you have no knowledge of. Its not your fault, but get rid of this so you can go on to be happy. Any doc worth his/her salt can talk you through this.
If this does not sound like you, then nevermind! Hope this help you. Eric
wait when u say katie r u talking to me or urself lol? ok well first of all cutting is not just for 13 yr. old emo kids. u should know that that is a huge wrong generalization im not trying to make u feel bad about thinking that or make u feel dumb or w/e which is so not the truth and im very sorry if i came off that way. also im afraid of my shadow and my maybe happy ending the white picket fence theory scares the shit out of me and im thinking might not even exist anymore if it did at all. :( love u take care of urself the best u can and im proud of u for sticking w/ ur goals for as long as u did or have done everything counts even when u mess up the good still counts! X O