GRRRRRRRR stupid katie

I'm sick of being such a fuck up! I hate it that I am physically and mentally ill. I'm 21 I should be enjoying my life! I am sick sick sick of it. I hate these scars and cuts on my arm, am I not above this yet? Why must I indulge in the behaviour of a 13 year old emo kid?! I keep trying to shrug it off like I can just stop being sick but I cant. I know ultimatly its going to destroy my relationship with Sean. I'm so so angry at myself right now. I usually like myself but today I just couldn't be angrier. Sean is not angry at me. But I feel like he should be. Both my mom and my best friend have said I will drive him away if I act jealous. I hate being so insecure, but I'm so frightened of being in a relationship, I'm frightened of us loving together, what if it all goes wrong? What if he leaves me? I know I'm not the kind of person what CANT do fucked up stuff all the time, he's going to get sick of me eventually. I'm sorry katie for being so negative, but its all true!!! I always sabotage everything. My relationships, my mental health, even my own body!