Gross self pity
Sometimes I really don't understand my life. It seems like "happy ending" is not what I am going to get. I might get "acceptable ending" or "taught her a lesson ending", but not happy. Lately especially I feel like I'm really disconnected from the rest of the world and also that I am stuck in some weird, unsatisfying loop. I haven't really accomplished anything, haven't travelled, haven't built a nice home, don't have any close ties to family, and mainly feel dissatisfied and frustrated. I am 47 now and I feel old and unattractive and kind of useless. My job is ridiculous. I only work because I don't feel that Adam should have to support me entirely. My co workers are all very nice, and I get a great discount but...what am I doing? I stand at a cash register. Then I come home and have to face this bizarre relationship with Adam. He's devoted and generous and kind but...I don't know. My feelings for him will never return to what they once were. I wish he would move into his own place but I would feel like a selfish jerk accepting money from him while he had to move out. He gets on my nerves so much!!! He talks too much, snores, follows me around like a puppy, and seems to have lost most of his intelligence. Was I just a simpleton when I left my family to go be with him? I didn't love my husband, but we had a nice home and I was busy with my children. Now I hardly see my son, and I live in a cheap, terrible apartment with a man I feel angry at more than grateful for. I read the posts here about people missing their husbands and I feel ashamed of myself. Here I am with my partner home and I wish he wasn't here! I look at all the nice things he's done for me and I try to convince myself that I am being foolish and mean...but I just don't feel connected to him anymore.
I want to be grateful and know that my life is a blessing, but I feel hollowed out and bored and frustrated. Is it my hormones? I guess menopause is right around the corner. I have hardly any energy, and I gained back half the weight I lost while he was in prison. I was taking such good care of myself while he was gone, and now I'm mopey and unmotivated and frankly, tired of myself.
I want to be grateful and know that my life is a blessing, but I feel hollowed out and bored and frustrated. Is it my hormones? I guess menopause is right around the corner. I have hardly any energy, and I gained back half the weight I lost while he was in prison. I was taking such good care of myself while he was gone, and now I'm mopey and unmotivated and frankly, tired of myself.
Replies
Angela, I think you went through so much, and not everyone stays in love with them once they are out. It is different when they come home. There are resentments, it is hard to trust them or believe in them.
And we learned to be independent because we had to be. We didn\'t have a choice but to learn to struggle through alone and survive.
I am 61 and going through the same thoughts of look at my life, I have accomplished nothing. I too am a cashier, and I cook at a gas station for god\'s sake. I have a degree I feel I wasted time and money I owe on. I live in a mobile home.
I think now that he is home and you aren\'t struggling financially so much now, you have time to think more about EVERYTHING.. and yea it could be menopause too.I too have gained weight, can\'t seem to lose it, and hate what I look like.
I have health problems so can\'t really go for long walks, it kills my hips, back, legs and feet. I have no ambition to do much except get to work.
I think we both struggled so long, we are TIRED. Tired of the struggles all the time.
I do miss him, but I also have doubts and lots of anger. But I just keep hoping for miracles. At my age, there isn\'t alot of men out there that would be much better. I see what comes in where I work. YUK... And I sure don\'t go anywhere here to meet anyone new. Won\'t go sit in a bar, don\'t go to church, have no kids young enough to go to sports and school events. My life is blah too.
You don\'t feel connected to him because we have to sort of disconnect from them while they are in prison. We have to learn to be just us against the world. Then they get home and think that we are a WE, and we have trouble accepting that they get to make decisions about our life too.
Does this make sense?
I was just reading your journal again. You said you haven\'t travelled. I have. A lot in the past. Some with him, some with my family. I thought about that yesterday. I did have a pretty exciting life back in my old life, but I just didn\'t see it as anything special then.
I see my grown kids now starting their lives with their families and wonder where did that part of my life go?
I live too far from them to be around them a lot. But I am changing that a bit. I go whenever I can to see them. And we intend to move closer when he is home and we get some money saved... haha hopefully.
Tomorrow I may go to my daughter\'s for a day to help her. Her husband has to be out of town for a month. Only home 1 day a week. She has those 2 little angels that will drive her crazy all that time by herself. And she needs shots in her back for her bulging discs. Her legs are numb after so I have to help. Next week I have two days off and will go there then too.
I am trying to get back some of my old life.
Angela, I have your same feelings, ever since my mom passed away. She was my best friend and I feel even though I have a nice home and a loving husband, I still feel incomplete. When both my sons were alive they caused me so much grief. I was expecting them to live their lives as I lived mine; never breaking rules, trying to do the right thing.
Now that we live out in the country I don\'t get to see my grandkids often so I appreciate them more, since my youngest son died, I realize I had been too critical. I\'ve tried to change my expectations and realize I made mistakes; everybody deserves to be who they are and I should respect that. Volunteering with the Girl Scouts I hope will give me an outlet to enjoy doing things with young girls and meet new people. Maybe you should give volunteering a try or find a cool hobby to get out and meet new people. Maybe it will give you a fresh outlook.
Don\'t give up; things will change.
I am not where you are. My situation in different. My AD, mot husband or partner, is an addict and in prison. We as a family have fought this disease and life she chose for 15 years. But I do know the pain of what drugs and prison can do to loved ones. With that being said, I do go to church. I have friends there that care and do not judge me or my daughter. I have also found that my personal relationship with Jesus has been my stronghold. I would encourage you to find a church. I also have been looking into prison ministry. Maybe looking for ways to get involved in something new.
The people on this site have definitely helped in just being able to vent and share stories. And help with the what do I do now!! issues.
Yes hormones can be a big factor.
God bless you and you will be in my prayers.
Thank you for the kindness, I appreciate it. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. Usually I am able to see how fortunate I am, but the past few weeks, I\'ve been struggling to find some meaning or purpose. I will be okay.
Angela, it is OK to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. Why not? We felt sorry for them, we feel sorry for everyone else and try to help them however we can. So take time to just be you, do things for yourself, be selfish. You earned it.
Having them in prison does take a toll on us in so many ways. We have to be sad, struggle, go through financial difficulties, lose jobs, look for jobs, get rejected from job prospects.. now wonder we get discouraged with life.
Even when things get somewhat better, we just know bad things will happen again, or we expect them to.
I think we were told as kids we would meet Prince Charming and there would be a Happily Ever After. But that is such a fairy tale for most people.
Even our seemingly \" happy\" friends have problems, they just may not tell that they do.
Go do something that makes you feel good. With him, or without him.
And my dear friend, you have come a long way from when you first got on here. Remember that. Things ARE better than they were. Not perfect, but better. Build on that. One day at a time.
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Here\'s a song for you from James Taylor: \"When you\'re down and troubled and you need a helping hand . . .\"