Grieving

I've been avoiding it for over a year. And it hasnt been too difficult to do so. My dad was military so he was gone a lot. I think somehow I've convinced myself that he hasn't really been gone GONE. Like he's going to be home from deployment anytime now. 
But out thinking like this has just put a bandaid on what feels like open heart surgery. So I decided it is time to get help. I went to group for the first time last night. It was terrifying. I was shaking and crying as soon as I got out of the car. Just the thought of having to say the words "my dad passed away" opened the flood gates. 
I didn't talk much about myself. Mostly listened and gave positive reinforcement. But it did help. Being around people that knew what I was going through and not having to pretend to be ok. I feel like every morning I have to put on this mask because I'm so down people don't  want to be around me. But with these people I didn't have to pretend. It was nice. And even though I had tears streaming down my face through most of the session I felt pretty ok when I left. I think I'm going to go back.