Greetings All
Haven't been on DS in a long while. I have reached a point of peace and acceptance, and my own comfort world. Never thought I'd recover, nor feel good again, but I do.
May 22 will mark the 3rd anniversary of my traumatic loss. Richard forever remains a part of me, as I know I do him, and I love him just as much today as I did when he was here.
For those who question their status, and rules for wedding rings, I remain Mrs. S, and I wear two anniversary bands in lieu of my wedding rings. They are attractive and comfortable. My original rings are put away with other items that are to be buried with my ashes when I join Richard.
It is still hard to comprehend all that has happened, and that I have reached a level of peace. Visitation to the cemetery is birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. It is still hard to imagine that the great, irreplaceable, unique person I lost to cancer is now ashes in a box. But his spirit and soul lives on, especially with me.
I love living on my own and alone and thought I'd never be able to say that either. Involved in many things; pen pal to a grade school student, part-time employee for a psychiatrist (of all people) who is attempting to publish his second book, running fundraising bus trips for my church, creating at ceramics, and playing bingo. Yes, I do have down time, and time for myself.
The end of April I am traveling to Boston with family for 5 days. It is girl's only trip, complete with wine, and we can't wait.
I have to tell you, for those that believe, that my husband sent me a message through a co-worker a few months ago as she was asking the skies what she could do to help me. The answer was "Chill Out, Have Fun, I Like It Where I Am". How do I know it was him? He and my father would tell Mom and/or I to chill out whenever we were aggrevating them, and thought it was cute because it would get under our skin. "Chill Out" was used so I would positively know it was him.
Do I still miss him? Absolutely, every day, but the dull sadness is now carried in an internal box, which I only open if I want to. He did not choose to die, and leave me to live as a widow. Of course my life now is what I will make of it, not what other people think I should do, or want me to do to recover. We don't "get over it". We adapt and learn how to carry it. There is a scripture in James that reminds us that we are just a whisper on this earth. Don't know the future, nor what tomorrow will bring, let alone possibly dying before tomorrow gets here. Trust me that I am not afraid. I'm enjoying every aspect of my world, but I am ready anytime God wants to take me home. I just hope someone gives my cat a very good home and love, and does not mistreat her in any way.
I also do not divulge my status in the outside world. It is literally no one's business, and they won't benefit anything if they know. It helps me to feel normal in a world that I have learned to live in all over again. It also helps to keep Pandora's box shut and I don't set myself up for the "well meaning" advice that we all receive when we lose a spouse.
More advice -- don't let anyone make you believe that finding a new companion or life partner is going to create happiness. You must develop and find your own comfort level and happiness. No one is going to do it for you. Being what they call "middle age" now, I had it. I lost it. I have been cheated out of many milestones, including celebrating my 50th anniversary. There isn't anything a man can give me that I can't give myself. And, no, I'm not alone nor lonely in the least.
Find yourself first before you take that leap, if that is what you truly want, desire or need in your life.
Friends, I don't know if I will return to the site. I have passed a point now where I have returned my membership, as I am better if not constantly reminded of the trauma I experienced by trying to help others. God bless those on this site that do, and desire to help, but I am one that needs to stay away from anything that is going to upset me, or dredge up painful memories. At this stage of my life, I don't need to set myself up for possible pain, nor worry about anything other than myself.
Continue to take one day at a time. Your life will never be the same again. You will not perceive the world and its issues again like you once did. The order of important issues will be shifted, and trust me, you won't tolerate much. All the complaining I hear is trivial compared to what I, and others, have gone through. This is the worst, with the exception of losing a child. I suffered because I deeply loved, and I will not go through it again.
Blessings to you all--
Debbie
P.S. If you wish to continue conversing with me, send me a private message (if they really are - I have my doubts) through this site. Hopefully I will receive a message alert through my personal email address and will respond ASAP.
May 22 will mark the 3rd anniversary of my traumatic loss. Richard forever remains a part of me, as I know I do him, and I love him just as much today as I did when he was here.
For those who question their status, and rules for wedding rings, I remain Mrs. S, and I wear two anniversary bands in lieu of my wedding rings. They are attractive and comfortable. My original rings are put away with other items that are to be buried with my ashes when I join Richard.
It is still hard to comprehend all that has happened, and that I have reached a level of peace. Visitation to the cemetery is birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. It is still hard to imagine that the great, irreplaceable, unique person I lost to cancer is now ashes in a box. But his spirit and soul lives on, especially with me.
I love living on my own and alone and thought I'd never be able to say that either. Involved in many things; pen pal to a grade school student, part-time employee for a psychiatrist (of all people) who is attempting to publish his second book, running fundraising bus trips for my church, creating at ceramics, and playing bingo. Yes, I do have down time, and time for myself.
The end of April I am traveling to Boston with family for 5 days. It is girl's only trip, complete with wine, and we can't wait.
I have to tell you, for those that believe, that my husband sent me a message through a co-worker a few months ago as she was asking the skies what she could do to help me. The answer was "Chill Out, Have Fun, I Like It Where I Am". How do I know it was him? He and my father would tell Mom and/or I to chill out whenever we were aggrevating them, and thought it was cute because it would get under our skin. "Chill Out" was used so I would positively know it was him.
Do I still miss him? Absolutely, every day, but the dull sadness is now carried in an internal box, which I only open if I want to. He did not choose to die, and leave me to live as a widow. Of course my life now is what I will make of it, not what other people think I should do, or want me to do to recover. We don't "get over it". We adapt and learn how to carry it. There is a scripture in James that reminds us that we are just a whisper on this earth. Don't know the future, nor what tomorrow will bring, let alone possibly dying before tomorrow gets here. Trust me that I am not afraid. I'm enjoying every aspect of my world, but I am ready anytime God wants to take me home. I just hope someone gives my cat a very good home and love, and does not mistreat her in any way.
I also do not divulge my status in the outside world. It is literally no one's business, and they won't benefit anything if they know. It helps me to feel normal in a world that I have learned to live in all over again. It also helps to keep Pandora's box shut and I don't set myself up for the "well meaning" advice that we all receive when we lose a spouse.
More advice -- don't let anyone make you believe that finding a new companion or life partner is going to create happiness. You must develop and find your own comfort level and happiness. No one is going to do it for you. Being what they call "middle age" now, I had it. I lost it. I have been cheated out of many milestones, including celebrating my 50th anniversary. There isn't anything a man can give me that I can't give myself. And, no, I'm not alone nor lonely in the least.
Find yourself first before you take that leap, if that is what you truly want, desire or need in your life.
Friends, I don't know if I will return to the site. I have passed a point now where I have returned my membership, as I am better if not constantly reminded of the trauma I experienced by trying to help others. God bless those on this site that do, and desire to help, but I am one that needs to stay away from anything that is going to upset me, or dredge up painful memories. At this stage of my life, I don't need to set myself up for possible pain, nor worry about anything other than myself.
Continue to take one day at a time. Your life will never be the same again. You will not perceive the world and its issues again like you once did. The order of important issues will be shifted, and trust me, you won't tolerate much. All the complaining I hear is trivial compared to what I, and others, have gone through. This is the worst, with the exception of losing a child. I suffered because I deeply loved, and I will not go through it again.
Blessings to you all--
Debbie
P.S. If you wish to continue conversing with me, send me a private message (if they really are - I have my doubts) through this site. Hopefully I will receive a message alert through my personal email address and will respond ASAP.
Replies
Dear Debbie,
That was a very thoughtful entry and one for which I am personally grateful.
You tell your tale with care and grace, and I can relate to it so well. It makes me believe that at some point in the future, I may come to peace with this most devastating loss. We were SO happy together. Now sad.
The spring and Easter have brought me down once again. Those thoughts of unfairness and anger have resurfaced as the weather and season has changed, reminding me that this is the first spring that he will not see to live and enjoy. Most things seem meaningless to me now, unable to share with the one who was my best buddy.
Liked your comment about the cat - our Sunny is the one I talk to around here now. Never thought I would look forward to those chats! Chat with a cat, yikes. But you know what, that is good enough for me.
Like you, I am good alone. That is fine with me, and I know that had I not met Tom, I would have contentedly remained alone for the rest of my life. He was the perfect companion for me, and once you have experienced that kind of relationship, you have to be grateful to have had it once. That type of
lightning doesn\'t strike twice.
So thanks again Debbie. I am in NJ too, maybe we could get together some time. I will send you my personal email in a hug.
Take care, stay strong as you are. You are inspirational.
Gloria
Hi Debbie, Your journal made me smile, knowing how well you are and how you are at peace within yourself..I too do not contribute here on ds. It has been 14 months and I find that when I read new people coming onto the site, it brings me back, and down..so I have now decided that I will check in on \"friends\" here. Yes, even I am finding peace and am still in love with my dear husband, and I am sure we will meet again..peace, sandy