Great Ending Session Before My Girl Trip

First I asked her if she’s about done with her radiation treatments.  Yes.  I told her she should celebrate.  She said she’s going to San Francisco Saturday.  Good for her – I’m so glad!  Then I told her how tired I am of this (meaning my problem and preparing for the trip) and again asked her if she is.  She chuckled like I asked her that last time and said she’s only tired of seeing me struggling with it.    So first I told her about a few things I wanted to talk briefly about.  How Tuesday I spent with my son.  We had lunch, went to the Mall, I bought him some clothes.  I gave him a check for his birthday but I felt bad he needs to spend it on bills so I got him the clothes.  He’s so pleasant to be with.  I told her about the variety show tomorrow at my grandson’s school.  I’m kind of scared because I don’t know how long it’s going to be.  She said to scope out where the bathrooms are.  I hate to leave because I have to film it because my daughter can’t be there (he’s doing sound effects).  She said I may have to hand the camera over to my son for a bit.  Yes.   I also told her about being with friends Sunday and I’m sure we’ll talk about the trip.  And then the phone calls later and I’ll start thinking of things and I can’t talk to her.  I told her I called my real estate lady and yes she definitely remembered me.  She laughed at what she called me because of my collections.  I reminded her it’s my email address, too.  She thought it’s good I did that.  But I’m not sure if my kids will get the condo out there.  At the massage therapist Monday, because I had to fill out paperwork and she talks a lot, I did have to go to the bathroom.  It was at the end and I just had to tell her, I did, grabbed the robe, went and it was fine.  I told her how I want to leave today on a positive note looking forward to the trip.  She shook her head in agreement.  And I want to be able to be myself.  My friendly, caring, confident, take charge person that I am.  She’s seen me on occasion with other people.  That’s how I am.  But when I come in with her I’m this unsecure and dependant person.  I don’t like that at all.  She said it’s my child and I need to take care of her and not shame her.  That I’m a good Mom and a good Grandma and I know how to do that.  I just need to heal about things in the past.  She said she sees the person I really am, like now – today, too.    For today I want to read the little worry cards I did.  I did them ahead of time to save time.  She smiled and I’m not sure why.  That we can talk about them if we want to.  And I want to have success today and confidence I can do it so that when I have to go to the bathroom I want to go downstairs and wait outside the bathroom and pretend like I’m next to go in.  I want to be able to stay calm and not move around so much and not, I will not have an accident.    I told her how all I remember is having all the accidents and I don’t want to remember those.  I need to remember what we did around them – how we dealt with them.  She said later (coming back from downstairs) how we don’t realize how much time we spend going to the bathroom in our lives over the years.  I said how most people don’t even pay attention – except for me.  She said they don’t pay attention unless it’s a problem.  So I wanted to be successful this time when we do this.  She said just remember not to wait to the last second to go on and go.  Yes.  So I got out the worry cards and started to read them.  I told her some are silly but I guess they’re not because they are not silly for me.  She said they are not.  I asked her how many accidents she thought I was going to have – I hope zero.  She never really gave a number but asked me if I wanted to predict and that’s when I repeated that I hope zero.  Then I also asked her why she thought Big Bertha didn’t work as well as I had hoped.  I’m scared about that and don’t know what to do.  She first said maybe the position I was in laying down.  She knew I was laying on my tummy.  I said about me trying to drink more during the day and I won’t at night so maybe I won’t go as much.  She thought maybe yes.  Then she said about what I said to put an extra pad inside or use towels (they’ll see towels).  She said it’ll work for the most part though.  I mentioned about logistics of it all but we didn’t get into it, she just listened.  She knows I’m just worried.    When we talked about having private time and leaving to go walk or swim she asked me (sometimes) I said then they may look at my stuff and see something.  She doesn’t know my friends but she doesn’t think adults would do that.  I said they might be curious because I go so much during the day what happens at night.  She still wouldn’t think they would.  I said I wouldn’t but I didn’t know. I said my daughter might but that because of the closeness or bonding.  She said it’s different because she’s family like sisters sharing clothes.  She said to know where the workout bathroom is or lobby bathroom.  She said in El Salvador she’d use the workout one because she was with 3 other guys (her husband and 2 sons).  I said yes, I’ll have to find out because there’s 5 of us sharing one bathroom and sometimes I may need to.  We talked a little bit about how there’s only so much I can fit into my suitcase and I guess I could have a bag of extra clothes to keep in my car but they’ll see that.  She said to make sure I have my purse with me at all times with my extra clothes.  And once she said about wearing a pad but that was quick in passing.  I know she knows how terrible they feel to me.    We talked a little about me not getting into my shame mode because it only makes me quiet and sometimes angry (like I don’t even want to be with me – she chuckled) and they won’t know what’s going on.  And my denial and she said then I won’t be prepared enough.  Yes and I also said too much confidence gets me into trouble that I don’t think I have to go again and don’t have the problem at all.    I commented how most of the cards are about my problem.  She said that I did a good job in covering it all.  Then we talked about other worries on the cards:  getting sick before I go (I can’t) because I’m doing all the driving (she said to wash my hands a lot, take Airborne), others getting sick, feeling responsible for everyone’s safety (car accidents or car trouble) and happiness (I just want everyone to be happy and no conflicts), being too much of a take charge person, going too fast, tired of my friends habits, my friends not liking me or getting tired of me going to the bathroom so much, not getting privacy and finally wanting to call her because I’ll not have anyone to talk to about things.  At the second to last one I needed to go to the bathroom and told her.  But we finished all the little cards and after she asked me if I wanted to go downstairs now.  Yes.  So we did.  I told her I thought about going next door but too many things could happen going over, over there, or coming back.  She agreed and said for success downstairs was just fine.    While we were standing there a man came to use the men’s bathroom next to the women’s.  We heard him coming and she looked at him and said hi.  He did too.  Before he came out I moved so he couldn’t see us still standing there.  Usually we don’t see anyone downstairs.  She told me this is a situation how it will usually be.  That there might be a line, but lots of stalls inside and the line moves fast so I’ll be OK.    I said how I needed to keep calm and keep still.  I moved around a little, trying not to but not as much as I usually do.  A couple times she asked me, “Are you ready?” meaning to go in to go.  I told her I was still OK.  I’m not sure what we were talking about – I can’t remember.  Soon I told her, “It’s getting harder,” and she immediately told me to go and she’d meet me upstairs.  I told her she can wait for me.  She waited far away – by the steps.  I’m not sure why she does that.  So I went in and went and came out, “Yes!”  She put her arms up twice, too , “Yes!”  That was good and showed me I can do it.  I have to not think about all those accidents I had.  She said I don’t have accidents all the time and we all spend time, lots of time when you think about it, going to the bathroom.  So we went back upstairs.  She asked me where I wanted to put the box.  I wasn’t sure to hide it or keep it out.  She said she has lots of things hidden behind the tree for kids.  We laughed about that.  I wanted that little protector lady, too.  I wanted to keep it in sight so she can maybe protect it, too (I don’t know what words I said).  But she understood and told me I won’t be forgotten.  That was very nice.  She put a rubber band around the box because she didn’t want a kid to get into it.  We decided to put it, and the lady, on a second shelf of her bookshelf.  I was thinking – it’s funny she said I won’t be forgotten.  After today she’s not going to be in the office all next week.  Oh, well … it’s the thought that counts and it’s a very nice thought.  So then we just talked.  We talked about how when I first came in (I asked her if she remembered – yes about my friend and she laughed) what we talked about.  She said I’ve grown and focused way too much on that.  Now I don’t even care about her and she thinks that’s great.  But now I feel like I’m focusing too much on this problem.  I want to get away from it and not do that.  She said it took me a while to even tell her about it.  I said I know, I couldn’t even say the words.  Once I said it begins with a ‘b’ and she guessed bleeding.  I don’t think she remembered that.  But now I can talk freely about it but I still think I’m too focused.  When she said I’ve grown a lot and am more confident I said yes, but I don’t have a job yet and I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going.  She thinks in time it’ll come.    I asked her what happened when she had to go to the bathroom and she was on a boat in Florida and went to that island that she had told me about.  She remembered she was already on the island and was figuring it would be an hour or two before they got back to the house.  I asked her if she had to tell everyone.  She said just her husband and he covered for her.  But yes, she was the only one and I think she saw how I feel when that happens to me.  Then she said her husband had to go and men are more equipped than women.  Yes.    I told her about the Komen Walk and just the lines to the bathrooms scare me.  That I’d have to start standing way before and then I may need to go before I even get to the bathrooms.  So my friend and I went walking and I went between cars.  My friend said she kind of had to go and figured if I can do it she can, too so she did.  She laughed.  I said how I was afraid there’d be surveillance cameras and then cops and I’d get arrested.  But it was fine.  I told her about how I just want everyone to be happy and I try to talk to everyone – even when I’m at other places.  She said about cliques and such.  She said when I see something coming I can be the one to change things.  I said about my friend acting weird and how she worships the ground of another friend (she thought me) and I don’t know why or what happened.  She commented how people are attracted to me (like that man I talk to in her waiting area and my friends how I always help them).  I said how I’m so much faster than them and she said to go on ahead sometimes (not all the time) and I told her I’ll still have to wait for them.  She said it’ll give me a chance to go to the bathroom.  Yeah.  I told her I do that when they’re walking slow and just talking and I need to go so I do just go ahead of them.    She knows I’m scared.  She knows I want to handle it if something happens.  I asked her if I should just make a joke about it.  She said yes and my friends will follow my cues.  If I make a joke then they will, too. I told her how when it happened on the streets of this city last year one of the girls (I don’t know her as well but she’s very nice) went up to the hotel room with me to change.  And she didn’t make a big deal out of it.  I said how we weren’t in the best neighborhood and we always tried to stay together – at least two of us at a time.  Then we talked about phone calls to my cell phone – phone messages from her.  One is to get me through the week that I can’t talk to her.  She said she’d do that next while I’m getting my massage – I just won’t answer my phone.  The second message to my cell is for when I’m there.  She won’t be back from San Francisco until Wednesday night so she’ll call Thursday morning.  I told her we’ll be in the car and again, I just won’t answer it.  I told her I didn’t want to put her out while she was gone.  I just hope she remembers because she told me she’s taking the whole rest of the week off – Thursday and Friday, too.  She’ll be coming in occasionally but not working.  I hope she takes her appointment book home with her because she said she won’t take it out of town for fear of loosing it.    Then we talked about phone calls while I’m there how helpful they always are.  I told her how I hate being like this – so dependant.  I’ve always been so independent and not relying on others – doing things myself.  But I’m not with this and I hate it.  It was hard to connect the other times when I was out of town.  I just can’t always answer and talk.  Last year on my girl trip I just happened to have stepped outside and with my kids we just got into the car and I was able to get out and talk.  But the other times we couldn’t connect.  I even tried to call back but didn’t get her.  She said it’s hard when she’s there because she can’t answer when she’s with clients and the phone might ring at other times or other things, etc.  But she’ll have her cell phone with her while she’s not in the office that week.  I asked if I should just call her.  She said no we’ll set something up.   So she glanced in her book and said two times.  I said how about every other day:  Thursday later in the afternoon, Saturday any time she wants and Monday I’ll be coming back and she’ll be in the office.  She said that was fine.  If we can’t connect I’ll have to call her back on her cell phone.  I actually had the number memorized just from hearing it so much when I used to call and leave messages.  She had to look on her card to see if it was right because she never calls her own cell phone.  She did say she’ll try her best to connect with me and although she didn’t say, can’t promise.  I know.  Now I told her I hate to ask her this but I’ve been so good not calling her message machine.  I have.  I’ve been writing a lot, journaling, although no one is reading it.  She said maybe there is – someone who’s just not a follower.  I said I didn’t think so.  But, I can’t write when I’m gone and I can’t talk to anyone so can I call her and leave messages when I need to?  She said I have been doing really well and she knows I’m proud of it.  Yes.  Then she said I can call – it’s OK.  I told her it’s only for the 5 days and I won’t go back to calling again.  It’s just the security.  I told her how no one but my daughter, her boyfriend and my husband know I'm seeing a counselor - no one.  She’s so, so nice to let me do this.  And also to leave those messages on my cell phone and I did thank her for that.  She only deserves the best in her life – she’s so very nice.    So I left and I commented no bag (wet clothes) to carry in to the massage therapist – yeah!  I was so glad.  So I went to the massage therapist and was able to be myself.  I felt a sense of relief that I don’t have to talk about this anymore.  Well, like I told her, we still need to do exposures every once in a while.  I didn’t say but I know, too that this subject will be talked about much more because it’s so much a part of my life - but not so intense.  This was really hard.  Now I have to get through the week myself.  She said I’ll be busy (I told her some of the things I’m doing).  I commented quietly not busy enough these days.  She did leave a nice message.  I hope she doesn’t forget the rest.  I told her I hope she has a great time on her trip – I remember what happened last time (her father-in-law had a stroke while they were still at the airport).  She said it’ll be nice to get away.  Yes.