GREAT DAY! but still Sadness..urrrrrr......
Went to the beach today, the weather was beautiful. It wasn't hot & muggy like we have been getting all summer. The sky was bright, sunny & blue, PERFECT!! PERFECT!! DAY!! The breeze was nice, the waves were hugh and rough, like they were when our children were little...
All day I was calm and quiet, in my head, feeling GREAT...But SAD too...I have been struggling in this phase for a while...I don't like feeling the NEW ME...Taking a deep breath again, and again, OH how I want to SCREAMMMMMMMM.....URRRRRRR!!!!!!
THERE, I feel better for now.. It is so hard to comprehend the difference between my younger years before I had children..."When I had my life with my children"... Now, I am back to my old life without children...(Erica has moved 6 hours away, with her BF, in N. Jersey)...
So all day on this PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL, GREAT DAY, I was in a new world... I was reliving my whole life...I'm tired of living my life Half Happy, Half Sad....I don't think I will ever accept Ryan leaving me/us from this life..... I know , what it means when the phase "acceptance" is in part of the grieving process...I never got that part of "Acceptance" until today...I have to accept my new life "Happy" without Ryan....I have to accept this may be the Happiest I ever get...I have to accept my Sadness... I am not sure if I will stay stuck in this funk or will I ever change.....I am Full of FEAR.....I feel Fear is running my life...urrrrrr, I'm tired..
Sitting on the beach, I was watching all the different stages people were in, in there own lives..Now I'm back into my happiest moments again,, Huh thats it, I'm happy when I'm in the Moment, I am happiest in the Now...The power of the big Gigantic Ocean helps me feel feel like there is something out there in control other than me, thank God.. I don't want control...It is scarey.. I may be processing the process into another stage of my Journey... I guess I needed to vent, it is a weakness of mine to show my fears in life.....maybe I need to get this out in the open.. done venting for now.......lol......Love you all, KLS
Replies
You are doing a lot of interior work my friend. This takes courage... I understand so much of what you are describing. What I admire about you is that you are feeling it all and moving into it and allowing it to inform you. Your openness is a beautiful gift and thank you for sharing this part of your journey because it encourages me to continue to embrace mine even when it may not be the life I had envisioned. Take care my friend as you navigate once again unknown territory and peace to your healing heart. I so appreciate you. With love. Joanie
For quite awhile after Philip\'s death, I felt a lot of fear. I thnk it was mostly fear of losing someone else as well as him. I don\'t feel that as strong now. I allowed myself that fear and then moved beyond it. It sounds like you are going through another necessary phase necessary for moving onward towards healing. Love and understand. Linda
So glad that you allowed yourself to enjoy the beach...we are always analyzing this emotional journey...love to you...Karen
I hear you loud and clear. You express many of my own fears... Hugs.
We had a beautiful day today also in so. Cal.--after a week of 107 degree temps and muggy air, the temps dropped into the 80s and we were able to just open windows and enjoy the cool air, and get some needed yard work done. I have found that it is getting easier to enjoy the beautiful days and happy moments and know that I still miss Tim and wish he were here. But I know this is how he would want our lives to be--very bittersweet. I\'m a firm believer in immersing yourself in the feelings of sadness and grief-it makes it easier to become stronger. It\'s like diving into one of those beautiful huge waves and pushing yourself to the top of the crest--it\'s the only way to get there.
The fear is still there, but not as frequent---it is a long slow process. Thanks for sharing your beautiful day and your thoughts--Love and hugs, Diane
Dear Kelly,
What an awesome honor to bear witness to some of the realizations you made while writing your entry. Amazing.
While I am not in the same place,, so can\'t relate to some things, you did reflect my own feelings of being FULL of fear and terror. Or maybe that was before Tara Lynn passed and was sick instead, I never know anymore.
Anyway, I am also grateful because you really, really reminded me to try to stay in the moment, and to let go of control, how good it feels.
thanks so much for sharing.
Gale Sue
Kelly, I can imagine that the beach is such a calming place to be, look inward and learn to live with what we have to. For the longest time, I found solace in the dogs I was working with. I didn\'t want to talk to people around me, but I found that I could look into the soulful eyes of the dogs and speak to them with my mind. Silly sounding, I know. But that is how I coped at first. I guess we all move along on this journey and find comfort and hope where ever we can. I love you, Gal.
Hi Kelly, The weather was perfect today. I live in Dracut, MA as you know & the warm sun without the oppressive humidity was a blessing. As much as I personally try to focus on the positives I am filled with fears. One of my fears when Eddie passed was that my grandchildren would drift away since my son was no longer here to be the bridge. Thank God my former DIL & I get along well & I think in some ways we are closer than ever. I have other fears. For me, whether real or imagined they are scary. I think that some of the reason we have fears are that they are a result of trauma. The passing of one\'s child is traumatic. As far as acceptance, I think acceptance may be much more difficult in our situations. The passing of our children is not the natural order of things. It, I feel makes it that much more difficult to accept. And I too wonder, will the rest of my life be bittersweet? Hope not. I hope one day we will all have peace, but true joy as well. Vent away anytime with me. I think its healthy to voice our fears. Much love to you & your precious son, Ryan. Linda
walkin right there beside my friend~~~ i got alot of fears and sadness and its making me NUTS!!~~but still trying to hang in there and deal and cope the best i can...hugging u tight...luv ya bunches
Kelly,
You gave yourself the perfect advice. If you stay in the moment you are the happiest! If you look for trouble or problems you will find them . Focus on the here and now and write down all your blessings and visit them often. Hugs, Inga
Kelly, you are so right when you say there is \"something out there bigger than me\" .....the sovereignty of God is what you are knowing in your heart. His creation lets us know just how real He is. And yes, thank God none of us are in control. We have no idea of the big picture. We all serve a purpose whether we ever know that purpose or not....He knows. I am so glad you are experiencing some of those \"before\" days....so much healing has taken place in your life. You are an inspiration and are my hero.....so glad you had a wonderful day at the beach. Don\'t go backward...go forward with God\'s grace....love to you....dale...brandon\'s mom
Kelly, I think that living in the moment is the way I always live now. Anything else hurts too bad sometimes. And yes you are right there is something out there in control other than me....and sometimes we just have to let that be and one day we will understand it all. I miss the ocean and the serenity of sitting there watching the waves. Now I do that with the mountains...just sit back and take the beauty of it all in. Hugs to you my friend! Love, Kim
I find I do alot of reflection now also and alot of observation of others. I guess gaging life for others. Inner reflection I guess brings me some peace . Sandi
I wish I was with you. I miss the beaches in NJ. Glad you let yourself release much needed stress.
Love to you, Pat
Wow what a day ;you had!! Lots of introspection. Sometimes we need to do that so we can move on. But staying mostly in the moment allows us to not focus at length on the negatives of the past or the fears of the future. You sure got that right-STAY IN THE NOW!! Lots of love and a big hug, Beth