GREAT DAY! but still Sadness..urrrrrr......

 
Went to the beach today, the weather was beautiful. It wasn't hot & muggy like we have been getting all summer. The sky was bright, sunny & blue, PERFECT!! PERFECT!! DAY!! The breeze was nice, the waves were hugh and rough, like they were when our children were little...
All day I was calm and quiet, in my head, feeling GREAT...But SAD too...I have been struggling in this phase for a while...I don't like feeling the NEW ME...Taking a deep breath again, and again, OH how I want to SCREAMMMMMMMM.....URRRRRRR!!!!!!
THERE, I feel better for now.. It is so hard to comprehend the difference between my younger years before I had children..."When I had my life with my children"... Now, I am back to my old life without children...(Erica has moved 6 hours away, with her BF, in N. Jersey)...
So all day on this PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL, GREAT DAY, I was in a new world... I was reliving my whole life...I'm tired of living my life Half Happy, Half Sad....I don't think I will ever accept Ryan leaving me/us from this life..... I know , what it means when the phase "acceptance" is in part of the grieving process...I never got that part of "Acceptance" until today...I have to accept my new life "Happy" without Ryan....I have to accept this may be the Happiest I ever get...I have to accept my Sadness... I am not sure if I will stay stuck in this funk or will I ever change.....I am Full of FEAR.....I feel Fear is running my life...urrrrrr, I'm tired..
Sitting on the beach, I was watching all the different stages people were in, in there own lives..Now I'm back into my happiest moments again,, Huh thats it, I'm happy when I'm in the Moment, I am happiest in the Now...The power of the big Gigantic Ocean helps me feel feel like there is something out there in control other than me, thank God.. I don't want control...It is scarey.. I may be processing the process into another stage of my Journey... I guess I needed to vent, it is a weakness of mine to show my fears in life.....maybe I need to get this out in the open.. done venting for now.......lol......Love you all, KLS