gratitude

We discussed at bible study last night the sermon from last week.  Being thankful was the topic.  Don asked a good question.  What do you have to do to be more thankful.  I suggested it was a choice.  And being that I have been keeping my gratitude journal for 5 days I think I hit t on the head.  It is so easy to look at what we don't have.  Especially with a disease that can slowly take away little bits and parts of who you are and what you like to do.  I have been working on letting go and concentrating on what I can do.  In all honesty it has been super hard for me.  I have been so very angry at everything.  Jealous that others can do things without thinking of it.  I have to concentrate all the time and plan out my path of walking to minimize over doing it.  I get so tired of planning.  And the funny thing is, I used to love planning.  But when it comes to the dily crap, I just get so tired.  I miss being impulsive and joyful.  I am finding joy again, here and there.  It is harder to see it when your body hurts or you can't do simple things.  It is hard to deal with the inconsistency of this disease.  You never know when your body will be done.  Great week, great day, and then I go home and cook dinner and hit the wall. So as I vent about the challenges, I am trying to be grateful for the ability to still move at all.  Even if it is slow.  Some days I just want to cry.  And I guess that is ok.  Today, with our school giving tours to prospective parents, I am a little on display.  Here is the PE teacher hobbling with a cane.  It felt funny to me today and I feel like crying.  But it is beautiful and sunny.  The PK kids were fabulous.  I held a little sweet baby.  my husband left me a sweet love note this morning, it is Friday :-), and God is good.  So that is my focus today.