Grateful for my Mini Breakdown
Hello All!
As you all know, my daughter left her husband several weeks ago due to cheating; got a divorce in 5 weeks and was re-married within the next six weeks. This was the second time he cheated. Anyway during his reconnecting with him, she called and asked (via her and her therapist) to have no connection with me via phone, e-mail or text. I said I would honor that and I admired her courage to ask that of me. To this day, I still have no idea why she asked me to have no communication with her (although I have my perception). Erin had called me daily and cried and grieved over her husbands behaviour and now she was going back to him; I am sure she felt embarrassed. Anyway.... Down the road she text me and told me Happy Birthday and I did not respond as I was honouring her not connecting. Later she threw it up to me that 'she' said 'three weeks' was the length she didn't want to talk to me and I said "I did not hear three weeks." Anyway, we had an argument over this. I offered to go to counselling and after 10 days or so, she reciprocated and said the counsellor didn't think it was necessary...So, that's where it was left. Her birthday was this Sat. and a few weeks back I got a text saying the time and date of a birthday party for Erin's 39th birthday - very impersonal. I did not respond. A few days ago I needed to ask her something about a phone as I am on her plan. I texted to ask her and she responded with the info. I needed and said she would love to have me at her party. I did not respond.
I am working on not pretending anymore and not being a phony...I could have gone; hugged and kissed, been a 'phony' and 'pretended' nothing was wrong but I couldn't do it; nor did I feel guilty about it. Since Erin married 10yrs. ago, this is the game we have played out. And I am done playing that game. We have deep unresolved problems and until we get to the root of it, I am no longer willing to put a Band-Aid over them.
I started getting calls (and many of them) if I saw on FB that Erin is pregnant. I said no...Well, my daughter who is 39 and wanted nothing more in life that to be a Mama is pregnant. Talk about a myriad of feelings. It was her birthday, but it really was to announce her pregnancy; cake with sonogram and all.
Yesterday afternoon, and overwhelming, uncontrollable (what I am calling a mini-breakdown) came over me. Thankfully I have a friend who is on the same path as me I could call. I thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to stay with 'my' feelings, I did not want to gossip about Erin and T.C. and their behaviour (as that is their job). Here's some of my feelings: Rejected, Neglected, Ignored, Used and Abused. And of course, Guilt and Shame...my friend helped me work my way through all of these.
This morning in meditation, I remembered many, many, many times where I was rejected, neglected, Ignored, USED AND ABUSED. And of course guilt and shame. Anyway, the good news is, everyone of those Vicki's who felt all those feelings started coming to me and I had my arms stretched out ready to greet her...The beatings, the neglect, the rejection...they started coming to me and I held every one of them. Every last one. I had a huge healing.
I have to stay with me and my healing work; I cannot fix my daughter or my son-in-law. I am no longer willing to play the game I have been playing (come her go away, come her so away) and to ME.... I WILL BE TRUE! I am no longer willing to pretend or be a phony.
I had sent my daughter two birthday cards and she did text me last night and thank me. I responded with a thank-you and I heard she was going to be a mama. I told her I am sooooooooooooooooooo happy for her and she will be a wonderful one! She said thank-you. That's enough for now.
I do not know how all this will turn out nor am I going to try and figure it out. I do know I will continue to honor me, myself and I. I will let the Universe take care of the details.
Happy Sunday!
xo
As you all know, my daughter left her husband several weeks ago due to cheating; got a divorce in 5 weeks and was re-married within the next six weeks. This was the second time he cheated. Anyway during his reconnecting with him, she called and asked (via her and her therapist) to have no connection with me via phone, e-mail or text. I said I would honor that and I admired her courage to ask that of me. To this day, I still have no idea why she asked me to have no communication with her (although I have my perception). Erin had called me daily and cried and grieved over her husbands behaviour and now she was going back to him; I am sure she felt embarrassed. Anyway.... Down the road she text me and told me Happy Birthday and I did not respond as I was honouring her not connecting. Later she threw it up to me that 'she' said 'three weeks' was the length she didn't want to talk to me and I said "I did not hear three weeks." Anyway, we had an argument over this. I offered to go to counselling and after 10 days or so, she reciprocated and said the counsellor didn't think it was necessary...So, that's where it was left. Her birthday was this Sat. and a few weeks back I got a text saying the time and date of a birthday party for Erin's 39th birthday - very impersonal. I did not respond. A few days ago I needed to ask her something about a phone as I am on her plan. I texted to ask her and she responded with the info. I needed and said she would love to have me at her party. I did not respond.
I am working on not pretending anymore and not being a phony...I could have gone; hugged and kissed, been a 'phony' and 'pretended' nothing was wrong but I couldn't do it; nor did I feel guilty about it. Since Erin married 10yrs. ago, this is the game we have played out. And I am done playing that game. We have deep unresolved problems and until we get to the root of it, I am no longer willing to put a Band-Aid over them.
I started getting calls (and many of them) if I saw on FB that Erin is pregnant. I said no...Well, my daughter who is 39 and wanted nothing more in life that to be a Mama is pregnant. Talk about a myriad of feelings. It was her birthday, but it really was to announce her pregnancy; cake with sonogram and all.
Yesterday afternoon, and overwhelming, uncontrollable (what I am calling a mini-breakdown) came over me. Thankfully I have a friend who is on the same path as me I could call. I thought I was losing my mind. I wanted to stay with 'my' feelings, I did not want to gossip about Erin and T.C. and their behaviour (as that is their job). Here's some of my feelings: Rejected, Neglected, Ignored, Used and Abused. And of course, Guilt and Shame...my friend helped me work my way through all of these.
This morning in meditation, I remembered many, many, many times where I was rejected, neglected, Ignored, USED AND ABUSED. And of course guilt and shame. Anyway, the good news is, everyone of those Vicki's who felt all those feelings started coming to me and I had my arms stretched out ready to greet her...The beatings, the neglect, the rejection...they started coming to me and I held every one of them. Every last one. I had a huge healing.
I have to stay with me and my healing work; I cannot fix my daughter or my son-in-law. I am no longer willing to play the game I have been playing (come her go away, come her so away) and to ME.... I WILL BE TRUE! I am no longer willing to pretend or be a phony.
I had sent my daughter two birthday cards and she did text me last night and thank me. I responded with a thank-you and I heard she was going to be a mama. I told her I am sooooooooooooooooooo happy for her and she will be a wonderful one! She said thank-you. That's enough for now.
I do not know how all this will turn out nor am I going to try and figure it out. I do know I will continue to honor me, myself and I. I will let the Universe take care of the details.
Happy Sunday!
xo
Replies
Wow....and then \'wow\' again. You are sooo very brave. This is tough emotionally. I bow to you, to not play the dance, to not be phony.
Rumi \'I wash myself of myself\'
I think its helpful to shed old skins/behaviours.
I cannot play a part either. I want to be authentic. I want to be me. If my heart is breaking...guess what, it\'s breaking.
I have so much respect for you Vicki.
I spent 30 mins on the phone to my mother today who did not understand why her 44 year old son was angry with her for not attending or supporting him through a police trial. She didn\'t get that even at this age he needed something from her.
I\'m so happy you sent her your love and spent time understanding your \'empty tank\'...I read about this in a book by someone Dyer? Gosh, I have learnt so much from you xxxx
Your entry makes me think of this \'I\'m tired of living with cowards. I want to be with lions\'. You are brave and strong Vicki. From the most vulnerable part of ourselves we find courage xxx
whoa! big steps. Really nice to hear of the healing. I don\'t call them mini breakdowns...I call them melt downs., Good for you accepting such obviously strong emotions and I\'m sure all the old messages were playing full force in your head. If it was me they sure would be.
love & hugs
rick
Lots of Hugszzz to you for helping yourself grow and apply the new coping skills for the newer happier you. Hard Work! And excellent boundary mindfulness. You rock!
Love,
Rich
Rosie: Thank-you. Dr. Wayne Dyer. I do feel brave at times Rosie, but there are days (and there are many) I grieve so very deeply.. Not knowing what is going to happen and learning to Trust is a challenge to me. There are days I feel such emptiness I want to die; but there is something so strong in me (Spirit) that keeps me going. Through my grief, I keep getting seconds, minutes, hours of reconnectness! Sunday was such a day of un-ease I felt like I was truly having a nervous breakdown; then, I was guided to the right person and the meditation was very healing. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here on the planet (have moments of worthlessness) then other times I am overjoyed/ grateful to be alive. I take it all one moment at a time as I learn to become my best friend! Love you Rosie!
Arbe: I just had a thought: Maybe we should call them Wake-Up calls! :-) Yes, the emotions were so very \"raw\" I had to pull off the highway and let them come; I could not function driving and I felt like I couldn\'t breathe. You know as a child, I think I felt like I couldn\'t \"breathe\" a lot. Scary! My sister filled a big void when things like this were going on...but now she has moved and isn\'t physically able to be here for me. Miss and grieve her loss of not being here also.
Rich: My coping skills (principles) have been around 35 years...it\'s just in the past few years I have started to really apply them; It definitely a challenge putting them to use. Setting the boundaries isn\'t so hard; but sticking to them is hard. Especially now that I have heard I am going to be a grandma. But I am not willing to be mistreated any longer. It\'s as simple as that. It does grieve me so at times to accept this; but I surrender it, turn it over, and try to remember what I always share with others: there\'s always something Bigger going on...Trust, trust, trust.
Thank you each and every one for being who you are...a wonderful Divine Friend! xo
Trust, that your past will never change, that it is what it is. The only thing you can do about your past is change how you feel about it; you know that no one has ever gone back into the past and changed anything. The only thing you can do is change how you FEEL about it. That\'s Realty. The conflict is in believing you need to do the impossible: Change it by grieving about enough about it. Your past was horrible, it wasn\'t your choice, and you didn\'t DO anything wrong! It was THEM! Your past was not about who you were, it was about the perpetrators; you were innocent; but it happened all the same. It seems you keep remembering to feel ashamed about it as though YOU were at fault, as though remembering to re-live those feelings will change anything that happened, or that you can negotiate a different outcome. You can\'t; no one can, and no one can do it for you.
When you can, let it go; and let it be what it was. Your past is not who you are now, or will be in the future.
I feel your mothering instincts are very loving, like most mothers\' are; it\'s natural. And then a lot of how you mothered your kids was colored by your fears and identity at that time, you knew nothing else. What else could you have done at that time with what you were? It too is in the past, but not hurried, if you still grieve your imperfections. It is what it is, it is what it was, and can\'t be changed. You can only accept what happened, without judgment.
How can we help you? What do you want? When are you going to stop letting your Roommate remember to make you feel those emotions over and over again? How much is enough grieving? What does it accomplish now. Will your past feelings EVER change; or will only your feelings NOW ever change?
Who controls your emotions now, you or your Roommate? There is a choice. Either you finally allow your past to be okay, for what it was, or you don\'t; and you keep it alive in the present. The choice is yours.
Many Loving Hugs for your grieving now; many Happy Hugs for being a potential grandmother; and many Healing Hugszzz for your Past pains.
Rich
Rich...first of all, let me say I was somewhat triggered how you presented this manner to me...It is my issue and I will work through it, but it almost felt like I was being talked to like a little child and the adult was saying \"when are going to let go of this; get over it!\" So I guess there was a little feeling of \"shame\" in their for me. In my head I am hearing...I am doing something wrong by not being over it yet...Again, I own that and there are no ill feeling on this end; just needed to share.
The first three paragraphs: I KNOW ALL OF THAT!
Third paragraph: I will allow my emotions to come up as long as they need to and without judgment of them! I have no idea how much grieving is enough but I will not shut them down if they come to surface..My pain was deep and it\'s a baby-step by baby-step for me. I have healed a lot, but there are still things that are showing up to be healed and I am 100% rsp. to see that I honor all of what is going on. Honoring my feelings accomplishes VALIDATION AND APPROVAL for myself.
Fourth paragraph: What I need from people on DS is an open heart without judgment...I want the freedom to express myself without someone saying \"when are you going to stop letting your Roommate feel those emotions over and over.\" I want my friends here to share there stories of overcoming and how the got through life challenges.The greatest \"ah\'ha\" moments I have had is when someone is telling their story in my grp.
I work very diligently at being in the present, but when meditation brings my little Vicki to me, I am not going to deny her. I also have found some good in my past; I think there were many good things my parents did; therefore, I am able at times to find a balance with my past.
I will continue to \"allow\" whatever comes my way without judgment of it. I do have many happy times in between the grieving challenging times. There are times when my heart is filled with joy and peace..I attribute that to being non-judgmental of myself and being a good parent to Vicki.
Thanks for your comments, it made me aware how I contine stand tall in my belief\'s and what works for me. We all find our own path and I honor that in all people.
Hugszzz and thanks for the journal...in a way, it helped me!
xo
Cool! I know you know all this and perhaps it was just my codependency wanting to help a beloved friend, as though I needed to; a relapse on my part? I\'m glad it was of some benefit at least. I\'ll take a closer look at my impulses to rescue without being asked.
Have a great day,
Rich
It\'s all ok...Much \"shame\" came out and I need to look at that. See, I will look at it as long as it continues to show up. There is always work to do. Thank-you for showing me what I still need to work on. xo
You can\'t rescue me; you can only share and I have to do the rest!
Headed to the Y and then to work. No, actually, I am headed to the phone store...my phone is dropping calls and not ringing at times. Gotta scoot! xo