Grateful

It is Sunday morning. I may go to church. (It's next door.) My dogs are lobbying hard for a walk. We walk in the frozen cornfields back to look at a beaver dam and see what they are up to. I walk 2 dogs on leash and one off leash since J died. 3 of them are too much at one time.. By the grace of God we've been safe so far. I have had a couple of better days since I last wrote. Reading posts here and on other sites lets me know I am not alone. I also am seeing a counselor for post traumatic stress since my husband died very suddenly, in the middle of night at home with me trying to do what the 911 operator advised. I do, at times, feel J's presense. I know he never would have left me. He had helped me through cancer and so much more. I helped him with his children and his father. We were really good for each other. I wouldn't trade anything for my time with him. I learned a lot from him and his simplicity, kindness and humility. He also had bad habits! He liked his credit cards a bit too much and he liked to look good to the kids, sometimes at my expense. But we really enjoyed being together, just going to the store or the library. We had great times together, traveling and in daily life. The loving companionship in the evenings, the humor, the music ( he was my music box), the spirituality, the ability to actually understand things like technology, insurance, weird bills from the cable and Internet providers, and his considerable physical strength are whta I miss the most. He loved his dogs and went to some trouble to figure out the best diet for them. He read on every subject and told me when he died, (although his immediate death was not anticipated), he wanted to find out how everything worked. He also shared that he dreamed of heaven and saw it as a large church with big white pillars that reached up to the sky, open to the trees and sky, in which people were relaxed and happy and little children were running around and eveyone was safe. That is where I think he is hanging out when he is not zinging around the galaxies checking things out and suggesting fixes foir the hole in the ozone layer to God. I'd rather be his widow than anyone's wife. He was the best for me that I could have ever imagined. I was divorced twice before we met and I never thought I could have a happy marriage, but I really did. I am so grateful. I am looking for ways to be reasonably happy and useful in this world until I can be with him again. I trust God will show mme the way. I am grateful.