GOTTA LOVE THOSE TRIGGERS
I just spent a week with my sister and brother-in-law and experienced some triggers.
Here's what I experienced: anger/competiveness and perfection! Both of which were monster learned patterns/beliefs/learned behaviors growing up.
My sister and husband have a 13 month old first grandson and we were with him quite a bit. He is darling. Anyway, I experienced a lot of anger when he was around because when I tried to talk about my grandson, Roman, it was not acknowledged. If I shared something about Roman it was pretty much uh-huh, or cute. There talk of Whitley (their grandson) was "isn't he awesome; isn't he great; isn't he the cutest thing you have ever seen; isn't he amazing; isn't he smart, etc." Like I said, that was ok because I certainly understand how crazy we are about our grandchildren. It was there non-response of my grandson that pissed me off and made me angry.
My sister is constantly talking about weight. She is two inches taller than I am and we weigh the same. It was a constant "you are so thin, you are thinner than I am, your legs are smaller than mine, come weigh on these scales, etc. Constant weight talk.
My sister and her husband HATE LAZY PEOPLE and do not hesitate to express IT. There favorite word for them is "ignorant, useless, etc." The word "ignorant" seems to be showing up for me quite a bit. I feel "ignorant" (they/she is just ignorant) is much worse than any curse word we could use. I am sure because we were told how "ignorant" we were when I was growing up, has a lot to do with it! Ya think?
Anyway, with all of this I was pretty much able to simply observe and NOT defend myself or any of the situations! Well, there was one time I kinda lost it when my sis said she "hated fat people; had no use for them." I brought to her attention two girls I used to work with who were extremely heavy (she was kinda friends with one) and she kind of backed away from the conversation. They were wonderful women.
Several times I had to walk away and go to my room or outside. As far as Roman, I heard "you don't need them to validate Roman; it really doesn't matter, does it?" And truly, I looked at myself for having that need and thought, where is that coming from?" PAST IS WHERE IT WAS COMING FROM.
As far as fat people and lazy people, I really get that from my sister. We grew up and were supposed to be physically perfect and the competiveness of this was ALWAYS there with ALL MY SIBLINGS. Every get together we used to have, weight was discussed. You were not allowed to NOT be fit.
The laziness fits also. There was no room FOR LAZINESS. It simply was not tolerated.
As I would go away and pray or try to be still, I got "why are you taking this personal, it is not about you." That would bring me back to understanding and compassion. It was all learned behavior, behavior I once carried and believed and I still do get caught up in it at times. But, I am unlearning and I feel I catch myself/behavior faster these days.
I also got...I don't really have to dwell on it or figure it out; it's not my job. I recognize my feelings, I allow my feelings and then I surrender my feelings and ask to see things differently.
I found myself being very compassionate and very loving towards my sister and seemingly the anger dissipated quite a bit.
I have been so touched this past week as I received a beautiful text from my daughter thanking me for the many selfless things I do. Then yesterday, I got a text from my baby sister (12 yrs. younger than myself and I kind of raised) telling me how she was doing some reflecting and she realized how she could always count on me and she always felt how much I loved her. This morning I got a text from my son thanking me for EVERYTHING; I won't go into detail, but it made me cry.
Amazing things are happening and I am seeing miracles everywhere; even in the TRIGGERS!
Happy Sunday. Off to help my son put up his tree.
xo
Vicki
Here's what I experienced: anger/competiveness and perfection! Both of which were monster learned patterns/beliefs/learned behaviors growing up.
My sister and husband have a 13 month old first grandson and we were with him quite a bit. He is darling. Anyway, I experienced a lot of anger when he was around because when I tried to talk about my grandson, Roman, it was not acknowledged. If I shared something about Roman it was pretty much uh-huh, or cute. There talk of Whitley (their grandson) was "isn't he awesome; isn't he great; isn't he the cutest thing you have ever seen; isn't he amazing; isn't he smart, etc." Like I said, that was ok because I certainly understand how crazy we are about our grandchildren. It was there non-response of my grandson that pissed me off and made me angry.
My sister is constantly talking about weight. She is two inches taller than I am and we weigh the same. It was a constant "you are so thin, you are thinner than I am, your legs are smaller than mine, come weigh on these scales, etc. Constant weight talk.
My sister and her husband HATE LAZY PEOPLE and do not hesitate to express IT. There favorite word for them is "ignorant, useless, etc." The word "ignorant" seems to be showing up for me quite a bit. I feel "ignorant" (they/she is just ignorant) is much worse than any curse word we could use. I am sure because we were told how "ignorant" we were when I was growing up, has a lot to do with it! Ya think?
Anyway, with all of this I was pretty much able to simply observe and NOT defend myself or any of the situations! Well, there was one time I kinda lost it when my sis said she "hated fat people; had no use for them." I brought to her attention two girls I used to work with who were extremely heavy (she was kinda friends with one) and she kind of backed away from the conversation. They were wonderful women.
Several times I had to walk away and go to my room or outside. As far as Roman, I heard "you don't need them to validate Roman; it really doesn't matter, does it?" And truly, I looked at myself for having that need and thought, where is that coming from?" PAST IS WHERE IT WAS COMING FROM.
As far as fat people and lazy people, I really get that from my sister. We grew up and were supposed to be physically perfect and the competiveness of this was ALWAYS there with ALL MY SIBLINGS. Every get together we used to have, weight was discussed. You were not allowed to NOT be fit.
The laziness fits also. There was no room FOR LAZINESS. It simply was not tolerated.
As I would go away and pray or try to be still, I got "why are you taking this personal, it is not about you." That would bring me back to understanding and compassion. It was all learned behavior, behavior I once carried and believed and I still do get caught up in it at times. But, I am unlearning and I feel I catch myself/behavior faster these days.
I also got...I don't really have to dwell on it or figure it out; it's not my job. I recognize my feelings, I allow my feelings and then I surrender my feelings and ask to see things differently.
I found myself being very compassionate and very loving towards my sister and seemingly the anger dissipated quite a bit.
I have been so touched this past week as I received a beautiful text from my daughter thanking me for the many selfless things I do. Then yesterday, I got a text from my baby sister (12 yrs. younger than myself and I kind of raised) telling me how she was doing some reflecting and she realized how she could always count on me and she always felt how much I loved her. This morning I got a text from my son thanking me for EVERYTHING; I won't go into detail, but it made me cry.
Amazing things are happening and I am seeing miracles everywhere; even in the TRIGGERS!
Happy Sunday. Off to help my son put up his tree.
xo
Vicki
Replies
Practice, practice, practice! Pretty soon you won\'t have to catch your uncomfortable thoughts & feelings, they will simply not appear anymore.
Thank you Rich! But I believe as long as I am in this human form, there will be lessons to learn/unlearn! I am getting better at accepting the lessons without judgment....but darn , it still sneaks in there! I am working n making that ok! I still get fear based also! Letting go of the old can be scary to me and allowing the new can be scary at times also. I\'m a work in progress!
I think sometimes we still,even when we know it won\'t, we spend time with family members expecting them to give us emotionally what we need. In this case, to listen about Roman, to be less ignorant regarding weight etc... And when they don\'t do what we hoped, we return to our hurt inner child feelings. I actually find this a good reminder for why our paths have been so challenging! I do think you hit the nail on the head...it\'s not about you,it\'s all about where your sister is. I like it when Rich reminds us to put our expectations to one side. They are who they are at that moment. But you are \'you\', so loved by your younger sis, son and daughter...and of course by all of us here on DS. You are beautiful and amazing ....xxx
Can totally relate to your feelings at the muted responses to your lovely grandson.been there with my family of origin\'s treatment of my new little granddaughters. They are never going to change. Harsh but very true. Yes Rosie, I do think our inner child comes out at these times. X
I\'m glad you are experiencing positive validation at a time you did not feel very valued. I am sorry that happened on your trip as I know you really look forward to seeing your sister and you just want to spend time with her and move her. I know your little Roman is a precious angel and having you in his life will forever mean the world to him. That\'s all that sweet little baby needs. I lost my grandmother when I was 12 and I still miss her very much.
Love her I meant. Not move her.
After I wrote this I thought of my grandmother who I lost more than 30 years ago and I felt very tearful. Never underestimate your worth to that little baby.
Thank you everyone! xo