Got my periods during 2ww
I haven't written a journal in such a long time. I think before I even started my very first IVF cycle. There wasn't really anything to report. Everything was going so well, I mean everything. My hormone levels were perfect, I found a great technique to avoid bruises while taking shots - I thought I was a Needle God. And I got a good number of eggs from the transfer 7 to be exact. Though only 2 ended up being good enough to use, 1 to transfer and the other to freeze. But they were super eggs, my doctor said better than Grade A quality. She then gave me a 60% chance of pregnancy (I started on 25% so I was feeling very confident) She said if I was going to fall pregnant these would be my best chances.
I was actually terrified at that statement because I knew that if it didn't work out I would think to myself that "Maybe, I'm not meant to fall pregnant because I didn't get pregnant even at my best chances" But other than that I was feeling hopeful.
It's now been 1 week since the transfer. Yesterday I discovered a pinky tinge in my panty liners (sorry for the TMI) just before going to the gym. I changed my liner and by the evening it was looking like brown, red and pink spotting, filled nearly the entire liner. I WAS DEVASTATED. I was sure it was a sign it was my periods coming. I had been getting weird stomach cramps all day. I replaced my liner with a pad and decided to keep taking my crinone gel. I cried for what seemed like the longest time and hyperventilated. God bless my husband because he held me in his arms for the longest time and kissed me on cheek every so often. I kept thinking if it's just us for the rest of our lives I can live with that because I love him so very much. I kept thinking maybe I don't deserve to be a mother, but not my husband he'd be a great Dad. I felt more awful for him, I feel like such a damn failure. He's so sweet he let me play Killzone on the PS4 I bought him for Christmas and killing some baddies made me forget I was sad.
This morning I woke up to a pad filled with maroon blood. It feels like my periods, and when I went to the toilet to pee (TMI sorry) blood clots came out (double TMI - double sorry!). The only difference between this and my usual periods is that it's not bright red but more maroon. But other than that I'm pretty sure it's my periods.
Called up my clinic and they said they could move the test for tomorrow. If I'm pregnant there will be some pregnancy hormones and it will give us a sign to keep going. And to check up on what might be going on with me. But I'm pretty defeated. I mean, periods are periods right?
I don't feel much of anything right now, just tears falling down my face. Everyone was so looking forward to a new baby. My whole family... and my Mum kept telling me "I'm so sure I'm so sure" How can I tell her I failed again. Omg and my Dad. He told me during my cycle that back in my home country when a woman can't get pregnant she's not a real woman. I guess he's right. I'm not.
I was actually terrified at that statement because I knew that if it didn't work out I would think to myself that "Maybe, I'm not meant to fall pregnant because I didn't get pregnant even at my best chances" But other than that I was feeling hopeful.
It's now been 1 week since the transfer. Yesterday I discovered a pinky tinge in my panty liners (sorry for the TMI) just before going to the gym. I changed my liner and by the evening it was looking like brown, red and pink spotting, filled nearly the entire liner. I WAS DEVASTATED. I was sure it was a sign it was my periods coming. I had been getting weird stomach cramps all day. I replaced my liner with a pad and decided to keep taking my crinone gel. I cried for what seemed like the longest time and hyperventilated. God bless my husband because he held me in his arms for the longest time and kissed me on cheek every so often. I kept thinking if it's just us for the rest of our lives I can live with that because I love him so very much. I kept thinking maybe I don't deserve to be a mother, but not my husband he'd be a great Dad. I felt more awful for him, I feel like such a damn failure. He's so sweet he let me play Killzone on the PS4 I bought him for Christmas and killing some baddies made me forget I was sad.
This morning I woke up to a pad filled with maroon blood. It feels like my periods, and when I went to the toilet to pee (TMI sorry) blood clots came out (double TMI - double sorry!). The only difference between this and my usual periods is that it's not bright red but more maroon. But other than that I'm pretty sure it's my periods.
Called up my clinic and they said they could move the test for tomorrow. If I'm pregnant there will be some pregnancy hormones and it will give us a sign to keep going. And to check up on what might be going on with me. But I'm pretty defeated. I mean, periods are periods right?
I don't feel much of anything right now, just tears falling down my face. Everyone was so looking forward to a new baby. My whole family... and my Mum kept telling me "I'm so sure I'm so sure" How can I tell her I failed again. Omg and my Dad. He told me during my cycle that back in my home country when a woman can't get pregnant she's not a real woman. I guess he's right. I'm not.
Replies
Oh honey I\'m so sorry you\'re going through this. It\'s not over til it\'s over - don\'t completely give up until you get your beta results. And don\'t forget about your little frosty! Maybe you weren\'t meant to be a mommy to this one - maybe the baby you were destined for is sitting in very cold stasis right now.
I totally understand feeling like a failure. I think you know deep down that you\'re not, but it\'s so hard not to feel that way. You just have to keep your chin up and remember that you are strong and you can do this and no one can tell you otherwise.
And please don\'t listen to your dad. That\'s a terrible, hurtful thing that he said to you. My parents don\'t know about my IF struggles and recently my dad mentioned in passing that he thinks infertility is God\'s way of controlling the population. It\'s ignorant comments like that that make us feel like failures even when we aren\'t.
It\'s good to hear from you even under these shitty circumstances. Please keep us posted!
Thanks kDeezy. I really really appreciate your comment. Means so much to me right now. Unfortunately though my the blood is pretty heavily flowing right now so the chances are looking slimmer and slimmer as the day goes on. But you\'re right there is still little bubba in freezer :)
Hopefully I can get out of this slump to be in a healthy fighting chance for the next round. I mean I knew this process would be hard, but man... it\'s really really hard.
Oh girl, I\'m so sorry you\'re going through this. I can\'t even imagine how scary this is. That ignorant, hateful comment is total bullshit- please don\'t listen to that. Keep us posted on your beta.
im sorry you are in so much pain..i agree with polka..shut out all negative crap. and your hubby sounds like a great guy...i hope the end of this year means a new year is a new start..hugs..