Got Into My Shame Mode This Time

I don’t really want to write this but I better.  I’ve already called my therapist and left a message and I’m not supposed to.  Well, I think every once in a while is OK, or if I absolutely need to but not on a regular basis.  I felt like I needed to this time so I did – still feeling guilty.  I went to my session today and we just talked about stuff like how my grandson acted in her waiting room the other night and stuff (kicking, wanting to throw chairs, screaming, being restrained).  She asked me how that made me feel and I told her the whole story and about the nice couple there.  She laughed.  She did say how that’s really good of me to watch him and she knows I do like the quality time.  We chuckled at, and whoever else is out there with the quality time – meaning my daughter’s boyfriend but didn’t say.  But she said how she had reservations in the beginning of seeing them with too much crossover and still does.  I told her it’s good because I can tell her things, or my daughter asks me to when she can’t.  I hope she doesn’t tell them no at some point.  I hope I’m just worrying for nothing.  I kept trying to go along in a hurry because I was afraid I’d have to go to the bathroom soon and I said so.  “I’m afraid I’m going to have to go to the bathroom,” I once did actually say.  And I wanted to try with that overnight pad I brought in before that I left there a previous session.  I had 2 pair of pj bottoms I wanted to try on to see if she could see it underneath.  So we were talking and I had to go and soon told her we need to try on the bottoms and switch gears.  I had said earlier that I wasn’t ready yet to do scenarios.  I guess putting it off or procrastinating , maybe scared, but I will.   I think in the beginning she wanted to know if I wanted to go to the bathroom first forgetting I wanted to actually try to see if they work with her.  So I put on the first pair which was a little baggier than the second pair.  She said they were cute and she could just see a little on the left side in back but that was because she was looking for it.  I was starting to really have to go by then and told her quickly I needed to try on the other pair.  I’m sure I was not being able to stay still very well.  So again she turned around so I could put the other pair on.  Before the first pair she forgot to give me the pad and I had to get it out of her bottom drawer right on the left side.  So she looked at the second pair and said she could detect more with these – they were tighter.  She looked front and back and maybe side for both.  By this time I really needed to go, said so maybe a couple times and looked like it I’m sure.    Before I knew it (it happens so fast) I was going to the bathroom.  So I quickly squatted down.  I later told her I probably did that because she was sitting right there in plain view and I didn’t want her to see.  She commented, also later, how it’s different with each scenario.  Yes – like lots of times I move and lean against a wall if I can.  Sometimes I can’t if I’m walking.  And she asked me if I got that panicky feeling before again.  I told her it was just like I had to go real badly.  It happens so fast.    When I started going and I has squatted down, I said quickly said, “You’re carpet” and moved a plastic bag under me with her echoing, “plastic bag.”  I was so embarrassed.  I just sat there, close to the floor and peed.  I did have the protection on.  Maybe I was looking at her at the beginning but I think at one point I covered my face and said, “I hate this.”  Maybe she had turned away, I’m not sure.  Soon I asked, “What do I do?”  She in turn asked me, “Are you done?”  Yes.  She asked me if I wanted to look, her to look, what?  I said I would.  By then I was just sitting on my legs.  She turned away while I looked to see if it worked.  I told her I didn’t think it did because I don’t think they are designed for an upright position.  I sat back down on my legs (I never fully stood up).  She asked me how I wanted to do this.  You know me.  I kind of freeze.    She asked me if I wanted to go change, change in the room.  I looked again and told her I’m sitting on my legs and the bottom of my pants legs were even wet.  That I couldn’t leave the room.  So she asked me kind of sympathetically, “What can I do to help you?”  Again, I kind of freeze or maybe shrugged.  So she asked me if I wanted her to get some wet paper towels from the bathroom for me and then I can change there.  Yes.    She came back with about 6 wet paper towels – a little dry on some ends.  She turned around again for me to change.  Thinking about it I’m not sure why she didn’t just leave the room – she did one other time.  I said to her, “Don’t you dare look!”  She didn’t.  So I changed, told her when and she turned back around.  I noticed she looked at her rug.  I told her those drip drops are from the paper towels.  She said the girl before me spilled her iced tea on the rug some.  I told her I thought it felt a little damp.  I really don’t think I peed on the rug and I hope she believes me.  I had that plastic bag under me and it got on my pants and pants legs mostly (but I didn’t say).  She started by smiling, not wanting me to feel bad, but could tell I was feeling badly and getting into my shame mode.  I told her how I hate this.  She said she knows and I’ve been struggling with this for all my life.  I told her I’ve been having too many accidents with her.  She wondered why I said that.  I have and I feel like she won’t like me anymore and if I’m with my friends and this happens a lot they won’t like me anymore.  She asked me what I needed to do because I was so angry at myself.  So we each got a pillow and hit it.  I told her I wanted to throw it.  First I said against the wall but I didn’t want to hit anything.  So I stood up and threw the pillow in the corner.  I had her throw a pillow, too and we both took turns for several rounds.  That was good.  She said earlier in the week a kid just threw the pillow out of no where because he didn’t want to do something.  She said she didn’t mind and I said it sounds like something my grandson might do.  So I tried to get distracted by talking about something else but came back to this.  She commented how my emotions, how I change so much when I get in this shame mode.  We’ve talked in the past that I get quiet but she didn’t say how this time.  She told me she doesn’t care one bit if I have accidents.  What she cares about is she doesn’t want me to leave there with the shame.  She wants me to leave it there.  I said about those dreams when she gets mad but yes, I know in those dreams it's not her - it's me.  She said yes, she doesn't like that person in my dreams.   Once when she knew the shame was setting in she did something I’ve never seen her do before.  She said when she gets a procedure done she holds her breath and the nurses always ask her if she’s going to pass out or cry.  She doesn’t but just has a habit of doing that.  Well, I saw her hold her breath, with her eyes popping out a little.  Guess she wasn’t sure what to do or say.  I’m not sure.    I thought, leave it there?  I wondered how.  She told me with kids she has rocks and the kids leave the rocks there.  That was good.  So she got out her bag of rocks and I chose one.  She wanted to see which one I chose.  Nice and smooth and uniform.  She said I could hide it, or place it somewhere in there with an object.  So I chose the protective lady she knows I like.  I told her I’m still into hiding so I hid them both inside her games cabinet.  When I left I tried to reassure myself it’s there – not with me.  But, I don’t think it’s working – at least not now.    She thought the overnight pad might not work because it might move around some.  Yes and I told her now I don’t always sleep on my tummy like I did.  I wake up on my back sometimes so I can’t place it more in front or back.  But I said I may have one more sample at home I could bring next week.  She got samples for me at her addresses and I did and I did in my daughter’s name.  This was all last year.  She knows how disappointed I was in not being able to lay down and really test it out because I started going to the bathroom before.  She asked me about “Big Bertha” last year on my girl trip.  Did I use them every night?  I told her I did – all 3 nights – but only “used them” 2 out of the 3 (she knows wet in it).  I told her last year, at that time, I was calling her all the time.  So I’d wake up early 5-6AM and leave and go call her.  My friends just knew I couldn’t sleep and just walked the halls – they didn’t know about the phone calls.  I told her it was easy to get rid of them then.  I don’t know what I’ll do this year since I’m not calling her.  So she said some people go to the gym or work-out room that early.  I could be doing that.  Yeah.  We also talked a little on how I’m drinking more so I’m going more and I want to test out “Big Bertha” again too.  She said about not drinking after say 7PM.  I reminded her – again – how I don’t really drink when I eat so I’m thirsty later since I haven’t drinken for hours.  But I don’t drink a lot right before I go to bed.  And I don’t know how I’ll be on drinking.  I didn’t drink a lot on the trip with my kids I just took.  Before this we had been talking about the all day – 8AM until 2PM – thing I’m going to at a hotel tomorrow.  It’s funny because she was at that same hotel last Friday for the seminar she went to 8AM until 4PM.  “I know where all the bathrooms are,” she told me.  So I smiled and asked her to map them out.  She told me.  She also told me she likes to check them all out too when she goes to things like this because during breaks everyone rushes at once and she’ll go to another floor or somewhere else she had planned ahead of time.  Or, she’ll try to leave just before – I do that too, she knows!  I don’t think she has a problem but I guess she doesn’t like to wait either.  I said how I’m afraid I’ll be bored and scared about long speakers.  She said she’s walked around (there’s a lake at this one) during breaks before and that’s OK.  I told her there’s nothing I can do about tomorrow but I am scared.    Then we started to talk about our girl trip planning meeting this Sunday and we have to schedule our massages and such.  But we didn’t talk a long time because that’s when I needed to go to the bathroom and we had to soon switch gears.  She first said I could tell my friends I have a massage therapist here I really like and I don’t need it.  I told her I want it.  She thought they were for an hour or hour and a half.  Wow!  She said if I schedule an hour I’ll just have to tell them I need to go to the bathroom half way.  I told her I want to do at least half hour with the massage therapist here before I go.  But then we stopped talking about it.  I also printed out what my daughter said about me on Twitter that bothered me.  Well, the first parts were good how much she loves me.  But then she went on to say I’m a bigot (no way – I’m such an open person to all kinds of people – race, religion, beliefs, everything) and I’m pesky and opinionated.  She said I need to not read those things and she thinks it has to do with looking for houses and neighborhoods we once touched on just a little.  But the most important part is how she loves me.  She said this Twitter/Facebook/MySpace thing is not for her.  Too much non-privacy.  Her boys do Facebook but she says she never looks because they are adults.  I said how I’m still write in my journal on line – I write a lot – but I don’t think anyone’s reading it.  No followers on Google.  She said they may just not be commenting.  Don’t know.  I’ll get a couple comments on that “other site” I’m on but not much.  We were doing the calendar and it turns out she can’t see me the whole week before I go on my girl trip because she’s going to San Francisco.  She erased me from the Wednesday time because she won’t be back until Thursday and that’s when we are leaving.  She’s glad I brought it up.  I feel bad about that and feel like I’ll really need her.  I hate, hate feeling needy.  I was once the most independent person ever!    Towards the end I need to go to the bathroom again.  I just got up and went not wanting to wait at all.  I do that sometimes when I’ve had accidents.  I think they scare me.  When I came back I definitely wanted to change subjects to get off this and get distracted with something else.  Yes and we did.   I told her about a hospital putting on something not this Saturday but next Saturday at their cancer center about holistic healing that she might be interested in going to.  Sounded interesting to me, too.  She thanked me for telling her.  Who knows if she already knew.  She gave me the CD back I lent her last week – didn’t wait for her son to load it on her IPod but she said she’s going to go to the website and might order the book and workbook.  She really liked what they were saying.  I told her I’m ready for another throwing up video.  I’ve looked at this one a few times a day.  It’s kind of fake but bothers me a little.  But I’m ready for another one but we didn’t do that at all today.    So I feel badly about calling her and leaving her a message tonight.  I just feel so ashamed and like I’m a bad person.  I feel like I’ve gone 10 steps forward and 100 steps backward.  And I don’t know what made this one any different than the rest.  I hate this problem and I hate feeling like this.   She doesn’t need to do anything with my message.  Doesn’t need to call me back.  Just makes me feel better talking and telling her.  That’s all.