Goodbye

For the past 8 months I've suffered with severe depression and anxiety. These past 2 months have been the worst and if I don't stop it now, it'll only get worse. 

When I was 12 years old, June 12, 2009. My mom and step dad was involved in a serious car crash. My step dad was thrown from the vehicle and my mom was trapped inside. At the time I was playing at my grandparents house after leaving our house across the street. I had an argument with my mom because I wanted to go to work with her. She was a RN at the local Nursing Home. Anyway, our neighbor tracks emergency calls and got word that there was an accident right outside the nursing home. Well my grandpa rushed to get in the truck and i asked if I could go. Being 12 years old it probably wasn't the best idea but for some reason my grandpa didn't say no. We got to the scene and people were cutting the seatbelt to get my mom out. She wasn't conscious at all. The nurses and first responders were trying to help. I saw her shoe in the middle of the field where this all took place. I kept thinking why hasn't she got up and put her shoe on. They ended up air lifting her to the nearest trauma center, which was 2 hours away. When I got there I couldn't understand why she looked so bloated and bruised. Family started to show up and everyone was crying. I couldn't understand why. I couldn't understand why she was hooked up to these machines and pumps. Hours had past and there was no sign of brain activity or any other response. At 6:10 AM they took her off the ventilator. At 6:11 AM the machine flat lined. At 6:11 AM June 13th, 2009 my mom died. And i didn't understand why. Days past, months past, years past and I only cried just a handful of times.  7 years went by and I didn't speak a word about it all. This past year and a half I finally opened up to some of my closest friends. I feel guilty because I didn't cry like I was supposed too. I feel guilty because if I didn't argue with her she would have made it to work. I blame myself for my moms death and the falling out of our family. 

My personal life hasn't been the greatest either. The couple years after my mom passed, I had this girlfriend, Tiffany. She helped me without me even saying a word. She was always there for me. Thinks got rocky and she ended up cheating on me and moving away. It hurt but I eventually got over it. In High school, there was this girl who was just unbelievably beautiful! Regan, she was a couple classes ahead of me but we made things work for awhile. We hit a rough patch where she cheated on my and we ended up working past it. The morning after our 2 year anniversary I found out she has been cheating on me for months. It tore me apart and it took a long time to get over that. After that, literally every single crush I have had I either don't show enough interest because im afraid to get hurt or I get clingy because I am afraid they will leave. Eventually I scare them all off, one after another! To the point where I just give up. I don't want to but I can't take going through that. 

My social life has been nonexistent for quite sometime now. After graduation I moved 1500 miles west to Arizona to go to college. Id be the first in my family to go to a major university. Well I quickly fell down. And the weight of succeeding for my family was to much and I couldn't handle it. I started to fail and I had to retake classes. Then summer of 2016 was pretty great to be honest, I went back home to visit my closest friends for a few weeks. I got back to AZ and found a good paying job at an airport. I signed up for fall classes and was pretty content with life. 

Then I broke my ankle. It was the first week of classes too. And because if how badly it was, I was bed written for at least a month. I emailed back and forth with my advisor and she felt the best course of action was to medically withdrawal from the semester. Which means everything gets put on hold and I just pick up my classes in the next semester. Well that month became two, then three. I didn't leave the house but to go to my surgeon and to physical therapy. I didn't get any visits from my AZ friends. I had to move out of my apartment and in with my uncle. Being alone with just your own thoughts for that long was to much! I began to think of dark twisted stuff like cannibalism and committing the perfect crime of killing someone. I fantasized about it all the time. Then I would watch real videos of killings and suicides. Suicides is what really got my head turning. I couldn't stop watching people do that to themselves and reading stories of it. I then began to picture me in those videos or stories. I was so fucked up that i knew I needed help. I went to the doctors and they gave meds. They would make me feel numb and I was always on edge. I snapped at everything. So I quit taking them. Month or two went by and I felt as if I was getting better. Then in March it hit me again. The weight of what happened to my mom, letting my family down, being a failure. I would lye awake at night starring at her ceiling till 4 in the morning and get about 3-4 hours of sleep per night. I began to have even more vivid thoughts of death of others and myself. I would fantaze daily, even dream about it!

Then I met this woman, absolutely gorgeous in every way possible! She reached out to me one night and for some reason it was easy for me to tell her things. The best part is that she understood! She has a boyfriend, and I completely respect her relationship and I stay in my boundaries. She confide in me as well. I would help her out and she would help me out! I knew deep down I am starting to grow feelings for her but I can't tell her. Plus her boyfriend is super controlling and she isn't happy. We used to talk almost daily but he forced her to block me. Which fuckin sucks because she knows literally all of my secrets and she has been my support for the past few months. Like I would understand if I was crossing any lines, but I've been on the victim side of those situations so I knew not to cross any lines. Even though he doesn't treat her right at all. Lately I haven't been able to talk to her at all. It takes a lot for me to trust someone like I trust her. I am just hoping with every once of life I have left, that she isn't like everyone else and just leaves me when I need them the most. 

I've seem a shit ton of fucked up shit in my life. I've been beat, raped, neglected, but I managed to come through. And none of it was my moms fault either. I still remember the worst thing I've ever seen. My mom, sister and I were living in a 16ft camper trailer eating hotdog and Mac&cheese. I was about 5 years old and I came across a body of a little baby. It was just bones but it scared me for life. I've seen my mom get thrown across the room and beat because she didn't say the right thing. I remember having to get up real early before the sun came up and get whipped by a belt till I bled. Every morning for months. I couldn't sit for the longest time. I've been through and seen so much shit that most people wouldn't  even began to imagine. 

Which brings me to this. I am numb. I can feel things momentarily, like happiness when She messages me. I feel pain every time I put the razor blade to my skin. I feel anger everytime I think of my failures. But after those brief moments, im numb. I don't care about anything. I put on this act to show im okay. In reality im really not. Every night I put that blade to my wrist and every night I slightly scrape it. But i end up digging into my legs. There is pain, but there is this sense of relief. The warm blood flowing down my thigh is surprisingly comfortable. But each night I always chicken out and not end my own madness. I brought this all on to my self. I failed as a son, I failed as a brother. I failed as a friend. I failed as a college student. All of my life  goals I have failed. I don't want to be a failure anymore. I just want to be gone. Whether if there is a heaven or hell, or even nothing. I feel like I am better off there. And im okay with that. Id rather die than live a life of failures and insecurities. That's why on this glorious holiday that I hate with i fiery passion, Mothers day, I will become the ultimate gift to my mom and be with her in whatever afterlife there is.

I love you all. 

Love, 

Chris