Good stuff and bad stuff
Halloween marked my partner's one-year anniversary of being completely sober. I'm incredibly proud of him (so is most of his family), and I have to say I'm pretty surprised he made it. Even when he became real stressed with work, he found ways to relax and blow off steam. His drinking was going to put a end to our relationship, and now he wants us to exchange rings and tie the knot gay-wise with a little ceremony. It's strange how I was looking forward to this day until it was staring me in the face. Uncertainty is holding me back and I hate the feeling and I don't feel I'm being fair to him at all. I don't want to be with anyone else, so what's holding me back? I've been married once and I put a tremendous amount of emotional energy and faith into it. Thought it was really "forever" and all of that.My son admitted taking drugs to me a few months ago. Promised to quit and got caught by his mom with a rather attractive bong (not as nice as mine used to be) in her back yard. Being caught red-handed, it was hard for him to explain his way out of it. She called me, I went over, we talked to him, he gave us a blank stare, and then told us everything we wanted to hear. We took away his skating privileges until he tested clean which made him very angry to our delight. But then he told me later that the only reason he's quitting temporarily is so that he could skate.Started thinking about it and realized he seemed to have extra cash around from time to time. So far he's lost 3 iPods (stolen he says), his bike, and a couple of old skateboards. My iPod was "stolen" yesterday and I was sure he was paying back people he owed money to. I was furious with him and he swore it was actually stolen. I just feel like I can't trust him at all right now which really hurts.He had a private hour-long talk with my partner last night and told him everything he thought he wanted to hear as well. Although he said that he had been saving allowances and lunch money to buy weed and ecstasy to sell at school.WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LITTLE GUY I LOVED SO MUCH?!! The emotional pain is incredible right now. I'm trying to stay strong but been so hard.
Replies
Wow. Tough stuff there... I\'m sure being a parent isn\'t easy, and I\'m not one so I can\'t exactly relate... It seems though your partner, your ex wife and you are all on the same page. It\'s a dangerous phase that he\'s found himself in... Not just using recreational drugs (I\'m not too innocent myself, although I\'ve never tried ecstacy... besides the point) but selling them at school could have major consequences which I\'m sure you all have brought to his attention... Its so hard to explain things to a teenager sometimes. They are so focused on the now and suck at making a lot of decisions and choices because their brains aren\'t completely developed... I don\'t have any excellent advice but just try to remember to breath and take care of yourself. Congrats to your partner and his sobriety. That is a fantastic accomplishment and deserves a lot of praise. Take care -Sam
Thanks Sam. I appreciate both your ears and words.
Hey Chuck. Have\'nt heard from you in a while. But then I\'m not around as much as I probably should be.
I\'m glad your partner has made it to a full year of sobriety. Don\'t know if I could do that. I\'m absent minded enough that I\'d probably end up accepting a drink from someone without thinking about it and screw up my record. I think I can understand your reluctance on the getting married again thing. As you may remember I was married once before too and took those vows very seriously. Even after the divorce I did\'nt seriously date or anything until after she died a few years later. I just kinda felt I had made my oath to God and didn\'t think a municipal judge quite had the authority to let me out of it I guess. But even now I don\'t know if I could bring myself to marry again. It\'s a huge thing in so many ways. Plus you see all these couples who have been together for so many years who go on to get married and it seems to end up being like a death knell to the relationship for some reason. Maybe it\'s because that even though they say that they don\'t expect anything to change since they have been together so long they feel like they are married already. But maybe on some level, like subconsciously or something, they do expect something to change. To get deeper or easier or something and then when it doesn\'t they are dissapointed or inwardly aggravated and that creates a gap that lets doubt or distrust get in. who knows. But I do know how you feel I think. Also there is the drinking thing. It\'s threatened your relationship before and while a year is a big accomplishment. It is just a year isn\'t it. And you guys are talking the rest of your lives. My dad and my Grandfather on the opposite side of the family were both alchoholics and both of them went for more than a year before falling back into it at different times. Grandpa did that a few times before he finally put it down for good and since my dad died when I was 15 who knows. He was doing good then but what might have happened later if he\'d lived. You just don\'t know. All you can do is be there and have faith. Sometimes you may have to go through the be there and have faith thing a few times before he really kicks it for good. Or god forbid you just decide you can\'t handle it anymore.
I know all of these kinds of things are probably occuring to you. And if they haven\'t, well then I\'m sorry that now I\'ve put them in your head to cause you even more anguish. Haha! (Seriously, Ya gotta laugh once in a while dude! Otherwise you\'ll go crazy.) Whatever you finally decide though you know we\'ll be here for you I hope. Just like you have been for us.
The thing with the kid is tough too. I\'m not much younger than you are but I don\'t have kids. So I\'m not someone to be giving advice on the subject and I don\'t think watching what happens with relatives and their kids makes me any kind of an authority. Besides I still partake in the occasional joint from time to time myself. Of course the days of the cool bongs are pretty much a thing of the past for me now. I\'m all grown up and responsible now and don\'t want anyone accidentally finding that kind of stuff in my house, right? Still I imagine you have the nagging little voice in the back of your head saying, \"now how do I tell him not to do what I did without sounding like a hypocrite to even me\"? California has somewhat more relaxed laws concerning the possession of pot but \"X\" is probably different and selling the stuff at school definately puts a different light on things. That kind of shit will land his ass in jail not to mention possibly put a serious krimp in any thoughts of furthering education or maintaining a decent reputation as a trustworthy and honest person. The kid is a teenager. He\'s gonna be a teenager. He\'s gonna smoke pot and he\'s gonna get drunk once in a while. But the whole selling thing is something you can\'t let go and if he\'s stealing stuff too, that\'s another cause for a big bitch slap. Too bad you don\'t know a really pathetic crash case that has destoyed their life with that shit that you can make him stay with for a while. You know, kind of a scare em\' strait thing. What ever you do, I know you love the kid and you\'d rather find out you have an incurable disease than see him mess himself up with some stupid shit like this. You could always send him to Arkansas and I\'ll make him work with my cousin in the logging woods and go to school with a bunch of back woods hick kids in a little podunk mountain town. He may not stay away from pot cause it\'s everywhere but I promise, coming from California to nowhere mountain town Arkansas, he\'d be so miserable he might even swear to become a vegetarian to get to go back home. Hey we even get his ass busted for him a time or two. Contrary to popular belief you can still spank a teenager when they really deserve it. It happened to me. Haha!
Thank you! You have a wonderful way of writing that cheered me up. I have to remember to keep my sense of humor no matter how bleak the matter is. It the only way to stay sane.
I don\'t know what to say when it comes to the parenting topics. Wish I could be more help. It\'s hard to impart wisdom onto others. I experimented with enough chemicals in my life to make anything I say sound like its coming from a hypocrite. Selling at school? That would be hard to know what to do.
Maybe you should sit him down and ask him why he feels he needs to use drugs and what he gets out of them. Peer pressure is one thing, but I\'ll bet there are other components to it. I know he has an artistic bent and as such is smack in the middle of a culture that uses socially.
Congratulations to your partner on his sobriety. No small accomplishment for sure! I certainly can relate to any uncertainty you have with regards to marrying again. Trust what you are feeling and pay close attention to the triggers of these feelings. In any relationship, you give up a lot of yourself to become a WE. In my case, when it ended, I had let my identity erode to the point that I felt there wasn\'t much left and I didn\'t know who I was. I\'ve vowed to be cautious rebuilding my life and not clinging to things and people but it\'s easier said than done. You\'ll do the right thing. You are a smart caring man.