Good stuff
Going to try to focus on the good stuff from now on. I have SO much to be grateful for in this life. It is sinful to not be appreciative for all I have.
This week has turned out pretty good. Monday was sober day 1 for me, so I had all the gut wrenching anxiety that follows a drunk. It just about knocked me back over, but a few things kept me on my feet.
I got sorta ripped and scolded by some oldtimer ladies in my regular Monday meeting. It was tough love - nothing inappropriate. I kept all my cursings to myself and then realized when I got home that they really really care about me and that is a huge blessing. It is also what I needed to hear - hard to explain - I don't get much tough love f2f. It was humbling and in a weird way it felt good. It's one thing to think you might die and another entirely to hear someone say "YOU, Anna, are GOING TO die if you don't become willing." They challenged everything I thought I had figured out and then my sponsor ended with "And STOP ARGUING that you are different". I have no idea what she was talking about but I wanted to punch her in the face even though she is probably right.
Sponsor is still on my shit list. She just pisses me off sometimes. Funny thing is that I specifically chose someone I wouldn't like too much and someone who wouldn't be afraid to call me on my bullshit. I got what I asked for. She won't hold my hand and coddle me, which I think I must have been waiting for. She is forcing me to look at my role in my recovery. I am learning that saying "I will do anything you tell me to do" is great in theory until you DON'T do anything that you AREN'T explicitly told to do. I was doing almost nothing for myself and using "AA is not saving me" as an excuse to drink (sorta). So, she is helping me I think. I am grateful.
Job stress... ugh. It's humbling to go thru but gratifying to get thru it. I feel blessed to have the skills and opportunities that I have been given. I can hate it or I can appreciate it. Today I appreciate. It's hard some days, but I always seem to be taken care of.
Kind of strange things to be grateful for maybe, but I am learning it may not always feel good. I can still be grateful.
Other than that, today, I am grateful to feel loved. I spent years and years resentful for not feeling loved. If I can perpetuate all the angst and despair, I should be able to shift gears when the circumstances change. I have heard "I love you" more times than I can count this week alone. I am so fortunate to have people who really care for and love me, family and friends. I am also fortunate to be able to love back - I have some pretty amazing people in my life that I love beyond measure, some of whom have only been in my life for a short time.
I am trying to check myself. I need honesty - no self deception, no manipulation. I need humility - I hear better and learn better and have much more serenity when I am not protecting my ego.
For the brief moments of serenity that I have felt - it is the most amazing feeling in the world - that centeredness. I am grateful to have another opportunity to strive for it.
Thanks for listening.
This week has turned out pretty good. Monday was sober day 1 for me, so I had all the gut wrenching anxiety that follows a drunk. It just about knocked me back over, but a few things kept me on my feet.
I got sorta ripped and scolded by some oldtimer ladies in my regular Monday meeting. It was tough love - nothing inappropriate. I kept all my cursings to myself and then realized when I got home that they really really care about me and that is a huge blessing. It is also what I needed to hear - hard to explain - I don't get much tough love f2f. It was humbling and in a weird way it felt good. It's one thing to think you might die and another entirely to hear someone say "YOU, Anna, are GOING TO die if you don't become willing." They challenged everything I thought I had figured out and then my sponsor ended with "And STOP ARGUING that you are different". I have no idea what she was talking about but I wanted to punch her in the face even though she is probably right.
Sponsor is still on my shit list. She just pisses me off sometimes. Funny thing is that I specifically chose someone I wouldn't like too much and someone who wouldn't be afraid to call me on my bullshit. I got what I asked for. She won't hold my hand and coddle me, which I think I must have been waiting for. She is forcing me to look at my role in my recovery. I am learning that saying "I will do anything you tell me to do" is great in theory until you DON'T do anything that you AREN'T explicitly told to do. I was doing almost nothing for myself and using "AA is not saving me" as an excuse to drink (sorta). So, she is helping me I think. I am grateful.
Job stress... ugh. It's humbling to go thru but gratifying to get thru it. I feel blessed to have the skills and opportunities that I have been given. I can hate it or I can appreciate it. Today I appreciate. It's hard some days, but I always seem to be taken care of.
Kind of strange things to be grateful for maybe, but I am learning it may not always feel good. I can still be grateful.
Other than that, today, I am grateful to feel loved. I spent years and years resentful for not feeling loved. If I can perpetuate all the angst and despair, I should be able to shift gears when the circumstances change. I have heard "I love you" more times than I can count this week alone. I am so fortunate to have people who really care for and love me, family and friends. I am also fortunate to be able to love back - I have some pretty amazing people in my life that I love beyond measure, some of whom have only been in my life for a short time.
I am trying to check myself. I need honesty - no self deception, no manipulation. I need humility - I hear better and learn better and have much more serenity when I am not protecting my ego.
For the brief moments of serenity that I have felt - it is the most amazing feeling in the world - that centeredness. I am grateful to have another opportunity to strive for it.
Thanks for listening.
Replies
Suddenly we hear things differently when our backs are up against the wall. It was certainly that way with me. Stuff I\'d heard time and time again but decided I could do things differently.
Be open to what those who have gone before you have to say. Yeah, it might piss you off but there\'s truth to it. Tough to get honest.
Nice journal.
xo
I\'m glad they are calling you on your shit. (!) Stick with this AA stuff -- I think you\'ve found something really good there.
Anna, When I got my sponsor he suggested not to much of my own thinking for awhile because that is what got to to a place on almost a point of no return.
\"Grinching\" I like that term...fits me to a tee when I\'m on one of my pity pots.
Glad you are in this place. I think for me I was closer to a mind change when after a relapse I immediately got back into my program more determined than before. Different from the \"give a fuck\" attitude that would keep me drinking for days or weeks or longer. We will get it Anna. I know we will. and let me add one more \"love you\" to your list of people who care about you....and hey, you saved me when I was sure to hit the bar that one day...so next time, call me. I owe ya.
Thanks guys. I think I might be headed in a better direction this time. I just need to stay mindful and present. I feel like I lose myself after awhile and get all caught up in being angry and impulsive. I woke up in a great mood today - maybe because I meditated on being grateful last night. I think I might like this. xo
Anna, I stayed pissed at my sponsor for quite a while. But I learned that when anyone said something that pissed me off, it was a good idea, later to really think about why I got angy. 9 times out of ten, I discovered it was because I was hearing the truth about me! From experience I can tell ya that if you don\'t get pissed off at your sponsor sometimes it\'s time to get a new one! Love you kiddo, D