Good people tell awful lies.

Today was my first day of holding myself accountable for my addictions and challenging them. I started by deciding I have to curtail what I consider my accessories- booze and drugs, especially weed. It was a difficult start today after rock bottom and epiphany about my compulsive lying last night, and I ended up allowing myself to smoke one joint with my friend, but on the strict understanding that it's the last time until I can be responsible with my sensations. I hope it will stop me from stealing weed off of my friends, which believe I have not been noticed doing, thank goodness. I don't like to lie and steal but it's so hard not to once it has occurred to me that I could, it's like it turns from a benign idea to a crippling desire before I have time to realise what I'm doing. I feel so terrible that I'm a grown woman now and I am still stealing pennies out of my friends' change when I go to the shops for them.
My main issue I want to stop is lying about being sick. The truth is I am irresponsible and lazy and I desperately fear not being respected by the people I love because of it. The truth is that I am sick mentally, all this is my sickness, but I'm the kind of sick that nobody will take care of, with a kind of pain that most people wish on liars, I know people would think I deserve to feel shitty all the time if they knew what I lie about. But those people are lucky enough to believe an addict is making a choice to do wrong, rather than struggling to make a choice to do right.
I wish I could tell my boyfriend what my addiction is really about, but the lies I have told him make me feel terrible. He is the best person I've ever met, I feel I would rather lose my relationship under false pretences than lose his respect and love altogether because he finds out I  am so ugly on the inside. One more lie to add to the pile.
But I know I am good because I have moments of my other true self where I am candid and kind and selfless and I know that's not fake because I feel every bit of it. I hope that is who I really am under all of this because if so I might be able to save my relationship with the love of my life and feel comfortable with myself one day.
Today I told 3 lies. I didn't mean to but it happened. I tried to back track on the first one, where I told my friend I wanted a macdonalds when she asked me but I actually didn't, but my friend got confused and as much as I explained it was automatic conflict avoidance that I couldn't help she still told me that I don't need to do that with her, which made me feel guilty. Then I lied in agreement with something she was saying about her ex before I noticed I was doing it. I can't remember the last lie, I counted it though so I know it happened.
I didn't fake being sick today though, so I am pleased about that. Now my friend is asleep I am fighting a compulsion to steal a joint from her. I am going to have a cigarette and listen to an audiobook instead. I am grateful I had to foresight not to quit tobacco completely yet, as I am not ready to have no crutch yet. If I die of lung cancer but I am honest til the last moment I feel the trade off would be worth it.....does that sound stupid? I hope not.