Good-Bye January

January 19, 2022

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

10:40 PM

Every day is getting difficult doing my daily chores in a matter of speaking. Slowly I am learning my limits after having open heart surgery. I am regretting of having it done not realizing a lot of things I am having difficulties in accomplishing my everyday tasks. It has been 5 months since I had the surgery as I am still dealing with pressure under my right breast. When will this pressure on my chest be done with because I am getting tired of living this way because the pressure that I am feeling sometimes gets unbearable to put up with. I just don't know what to do anymore.

On the other front I am trying to draw up boundaries, or I should say that I have set boundaries with her that I am not going to go up as Daniel anymore. I do know that it will cost me in seeing my two boys. But I can't keep switching from Danielle to Daniel and back again. It is no good for my mental capacity switching from Danielle to Daniel again. She hasn't budge in allowing my kids to choose. I am still their father and that will never change but I wish they will talk to me by letting me know how they feel about me as Danielle and not Daniel.

The other issue is that this loneliness is getting worse each day feeling alone having no one to love or to have someone to share in their adventures as well as mine. But I can't have a relationship with anyone because merle will not divorce me, but she threatens me by saying to me that she will attack me with spousal support and back child support since I left but Vanne was almost 18 when I left, Merle has pushed me away many times telling me to leave her alone or all I want is just sex and the only thing in mind was to hug her to let her know that I care about her, only to have her retaliate effortlessly demanding things to put myself into a bad health. I keep telling myself all the things she has done to me as she rewrites history making me believe that I was the aggressor, but as I discussed it with KC. About it they agree with me that If I was the aggressor I wouldn't have left in the first place. Kc agrees with me on that subject because I would have so much enjoyment. But it took years to get her to take me to the hospital to take care of my 2 hernias that my boss told me not to come back to work until I got it fixed and the story about my eyes that I was having difficulties in seeing as well a few other incidents that I am not going to rename. I am trying to get my mind into a safe place and keep in that safe zone that I will not lose it by threating my life with suicide but so far so good I have been able to control myself, I just need to be strong and face the fact that what ever she throws at me I will be strong enough to over come it and deal with it the best I can. I still need to continue and learn on how to overcome My life and getting merle to let me go even though I still am in love with her but I know in my heart that her love towards me will never change but she will only see Daniel not Danielle as I live the rest of my life as her. I am happy at what I have accomplished in the past almost 3 years. I just wish my family would come to there senses but it is just wishful thinking. I even tried to get the date of our second marriage with no luck, only to hear her threats of trying to establish spousal support and back dated child support even though she has taken  my part in my stimulus check as her promise to me to give me some of it only to get nothing out of it. I am still waiting for my income tax check from the IRS, which hasn't come and its over due. I sure could use that check to help keep my health benefits as I am in danger of losing at the end of the month. As a last resort I might be forced to do a cash advance on my credit cards but that will be a last resort, If I use two of them I hope that the finance charge will not charged against my account but I have to make every effort to pay it off immediately.

As for my health my surgery has been put off due to the cardiologist having me on blood thinners which Dr. Douglas tells me that I need to be off the blood thinners in order to have the procedure done. As of today it would seem that she feels bad that she didn't know any of my problems with my heart, I didn't know that myself after having surgery done on my ankle and on my two hernia's in the past. I hope that this year will be the year that I can strive in a new and better job, hoping to find a place that I can call home, that will be the happiest thing that could happen having my own place, something that merle turned down a couple of times or maybe they didn't exist at all. Right now I am trying to find ways to keep my health insurance past this month. I hope that I will be able to accomplish the tasks at hand. It is time to close this segment until something arises.

There has been some development as I was about to start to use my credit cards to get a cash advance to help pay for my health insurance to keep them from terminating my health insurance, but as I was reading my email I did receive a message from Grande Champions as I was awarded over 2k it allowed me to pay off my debt of health insurance so I wouldn't be terminated at the end of the month. I thank God for answering my prayers. He has helped me in many ways that I can't imagine. I just hope and pray that he could do something for my family in allowing me back in as my true self as I my hopes are starting to diminish knowing that she will not open the door to Danielle. She won't even give me the date of our second marriage so I can file a divorce but as usual she won't tell me. Even though I have some of my life back, I want to look around for companionship but I can not do it still being married to Merle. I am tired of being alone and I would like to meet someone that will love me for who I am. Even though I still love her but I couldn't see any love from her even though claims that she does. But from what I feel is that she doesn't. I am tired very tired pretty soon I will be asking myself again is it worth living for and with standing the pain. How or what will it be like as the years progress will I suffer more pain that I do not want to live anymore if I do I will not feel the sorrow or the pain and the depression. I am tired of crying almost everyday. Sometimes I just want to give up trying to make ends meet.