Gonna be a GOOD day today!
The snow that hit Denver missed us, and cross country skiing yesterday was AWFUL. WAY TOO ICY, and I'm not a fan of speed and turns when I can't stop, lol. BUT, new things that happened.... Claudia gave me some tips on how to be a better skier (turning, lol) - something I can practice on over the next few months on the trails in the upper elevations. And I realized yesterday when I went home (after coffee and crocheting at the coffee shop), that I'm becoming a better person!. MAN, does it feel good! Plus, as C and I were fixing a problem on her afghan at the coffee shop, it opened up conversation with another person who is looking for people to meet up with to have coffee and crochet with during the week. Turns out that C already does this on Mondays, and we're all planning to get together with other ladies tomorrow (if my Monday walking partner cancels - if she doesn't, then they'll be doing it without me, though I did say I'm open to other days if they want to meet then as well)! (rescheduling Monday walks isn't an option - it's the only day my friend Denise has available and I really value that friendship.)
During our drive down the hill and during coffee yesterday, C asked questions I knew were coming about what my X was like during the 30 years of my marriage. And I was ready! It didn't hurt to talk about it and I didn't get emotional; and I didn't exaggerate about it like we tend to do when we're still angry at our Xs, lol. I just talked about the things I see now... like where the problems began 20+ years ago... when he got disabled - he began to give up on his life because he couldn't do the daily things that he used to - biking, sports, hunting, fishing. Things he loved. I talked about how the problems advanced over the years - he wanted less and less involvement in anything outside the house for the things he COULD do - even after we moved so he could actually get out to hunt and fish and bike (downhills only) - and then he would feel abandoned whenever I would go out and do them alone - which would also make me frustrated because I was doing things alone... and he'd get upset every time I did something to improve myself, to grow, to heal, and so I'd stop... and he began to feel guilty because I stopped and he felt stuck in our relationship because of that, then would drink, causing even more tension between us and my frustration would grow even more because of the drink and the issues just spiraled.... it had to stop somewhere.
And I talked about where things are now... he and I have had no contact for months. I knew these questions were coming.... friends have recently been saying that no one has seen him for weeks and they've been worried, and I haven't seen him either. His truck is still a few blocks away at the motel down the street, and I noticed during the week, my son visits him (I've seen my son's SUV parked in front of the motel as I go to the bank for work). Yeah, I still love him, always will, and worry too like I always have, but I've tried to help him over the years and he didn't/doesn't want help. So it's not my place to worry about him anymore and I have to let it go....
MOVING ON, GROWING, HEALING.... MAN, I like those words!
Because we have no snow on the lower elevations (where I actually live) and it's going to be 52 degrees today, the BIKE is coming out! I'm going to do a 30 to 35 mile mountain ride on the dirt roads. It's going to be challenging - lots of mud, steep hills, winds, and possible a snake or two sunning itself - not to mention the feeling of isolation as my X used to be my emergency contact in case of a breakdown. It's time to move through this... C does LOTS of things on her own, in more riskier ways than I'll ever do. So it's time for me to tackle that insecurity - the feeling of being vulnerable and alone. Truth is though, I've only had 1 time I had an unfixable breakdown - and it was because of 3 flat tires within an hour (the tape on my tire rim had moved, causing the blowouts and I ran out of replacement tubes). So I'll have my cell phone with me, just in case I need to call friends, my son or daughter-in-law, or in the worse case, a taxi (yep, we've even got one of those here in the boonies, lol). I LOVE biking solo... MAN, this is gonna be FUN! (C is going horseback riding) And while I'm doing it, I've decided to think out my summer plans! I think a couple of camping trips with the dogs, long distance bike rides, maybe a few summer movies, picnics with the dogs in the forest, dinners at local restaurants with my solo friends (singles or ones whose partners are deployed), and maybe even an adventure someplace - how about Wyoming? I heard there's a really good biking trail in Cheyenne and it's only 1/2 day's drive away... ;)
Today's bike ride signifies more steps forward into this new adventure called my life. This is SO COOL!
Later!
During our drive down the hill and during coffee yesterday, C asked questions I knew were coming about what my X was like during the 30 years of my marriage. And I was ready! It didn't hurt to talk about it and I didn't get emotional; and I didn't exaggerate about it like we tend to do when we're still angry at our Xs, lol. I just talked about the things I see now... like where the problems began 20+ years ago... when he got disabled - he began to give up on his life because he couldn't do the daily things that he used to - biking, sports, hunting, fishing. Things he loved. I talked about how the problems advanced over the years - he wanted less and less involvement in anything outside the house for the things he COULD do - even after we moved so he could actually get out to hunt and fish and bike (downhills only) - and then he would feel abandoned whenever I would go out and do them alone - which would also make me frustrated because I was doing things alone... and he'd get upset every time I did something to improve myself, to grow, to heal, and so I'd stop... and he began to feel guilty because I stopped and he felt stuck in our relationship because of that, then would drink, causing even more tension between us and my frustration would grow even more because of the drink and the issues just spiraled.... it had to stop somewhere.
And I talked about where things are now... he and I have had no contact for months. I knew these questions were coming.... friends have recently been saying that no one has seen him for weeks and they've been worried, and I haven't seen him either. His truck is still a few blocks away at the motel down the street, and I noticed during the week, my son visits him (I've seen my son's SUV parked in front of the motel as I go to the bank for work). Yeah, I still love him, always will, and worry too like I always have, but I've tried to help him over the years and he didn't/doesn't want help. So it's not my place to worry about him anymore and I have to let it go....
MOVING ON, GROWING, HEALING.... MAN, I like those words!
Because we have no snow on the lower elevations (where I actually live) and it's going to be 52 degrees today, the BIKE is coming out! I'm going to do a 30 to 35 mile mountain ride on the dirt roads. It's going to be challenging - lots of mud, steep hills, winds, and possible a snake or two sunning itself - not to mention the feeling of isolation as my X used to be my emergency contact in case of a breakdown. It's time to move through this... C does LOTS of things on her own, in more riskier ways than I'll ever do. So it's time for me to tackle that insecurity - the feeling of being vulnerable and alone. Truth is though, I've only had 1 time I had an unfixable breakdown - and it was because of 3 flat tires within an hour (the tape on my tire rim had moved, causing the blowouts and I ran out of replacement tubes). So I'll have my cell phone with me, just in case I need to call friends, my son or daughter-in-law, or in the worse case, a taxi (yep, we've even got one of those here in the boonies, lol). I LOVE biking solo... MAN, this is gonna be FUN! (C is going horseback riding) And while I'm doing it, I've decided to think out my summer plans! I think a couple of camping trips with the dogs, long distance bike rides, maybe a few summer movies, picnics with the dogs in the forest, dinners at local restaurants with my solo friends (singles or ones whose partners are deployed), and maybe even an adventure someplace - how about Wyoming? I heard there's a really good biking trail in Cheyenne and it's only 1/2 day's drive away... ;)
Today's bike ride signifies more steps forward into this new adventure called my life. This is SO COOL!
Later!
Replies