Going to do it!...and general update

 I go in for my GBS consultation with Dr. Bright next week (12/10/09).  It's been a year since I first started thinking about this.  I was ready to go for it then and use our home equity line of credit to pay for it.  Before I even got an appointment the bank decided I had too much credit available and cut my limit by 2/3 so no money and I had to give up the idea.  I was crushed! On 9/9/09 my son called me at work because his dad was sleeping in the chair and wouldn't wake up.  He called 911 as I rushed home.  My childrens' father, my beloved husband of 20 years and life partner, would never wake up again.  Passed away of a heart attack.  My life shattered.  My world shattered.  I shattered. I still don't have myself or my world more than loosely stitched together but I do have a little bit (with emphasis on the words, "little bit" unfortunately) of life insurance money that I didn't have before.  My first thought was to pay down debts because Allen's paycheck died with him but the bills didn't.  I was always the primary breadwinner but my check just barely covers the bills.  It doesn't also buy gas, food or any of the many needs of 3 sons...especially with 1 in college.  So the life insurance could pay off enough bills to fit living expenses into the budget. Makes sense on the outside but reality hit me in the face. I am now the only parent these boys have and everything my husband and I carried together is now mine to carry alone.  I'm 52 years old, 300 pounds +/-, starting to fall over the "borderline" mark for diabeties, knees shot, high blood pressure etc etc.  How am I going to take care of our farm, work 2 jobs, and raise 3 boys by myself in the shape I'm in?  If I don't take care of myself there will be no one around to take care of the bills anyway.  As so wisely spoken by flight attendants everywhere, "put your own oxygen mask on first or you won't be able to help your child". So...I did use half the money to pay off 2 bills but the other half I reserved to pay the huge deductible and co-payment for GBS surgery and I go in for my appointment next week.  My co-workers are trying to talk me into first trying yet another "fantastic" diet that "works so well" and "you'll feel so good on it".  Do you know how many "fantastic" diets I've been on that "work so well"...for about 20-30 pounds at which point I start to regain 25-35 of those pounds? I'm tired.  My life plate runneth over and if I don't do something fast and permanent I won't be able to carry it.  And that's my story.