Going to Church.
How do you continue to stay up and go to church, play Christian music. It's getting harder than easier.
Depressed. Just can't at times handle my son Kenny is gone..Feel I am losing touch with life. I never been depressed before, so really don't know how to handle it. Can't take meds and don't want to but just how in the world do you deal with you child, you son, your daughter being gone. Life sure is unfair.....
Sandi
Depressed. Just can't at times handle my son Kenny is gone..Feel I am losing touch with life. I never been depressed before, so really don't know how to handle it. Can't take meds and don't want to but just how in the world do you deal with you child, you son, your daughter being gone. Life sure is unfair.....
Sandi
Replies
It is unfair. You are correct and have a right to mourn...
(`*.Loving
Hugs.*)
Marion
Life is unfair. I think as the months wear on, the numbness and shock begin to wear off and the pain and sadness feel more intense for awhile ~ like when the novocaine wears off after a root canal. We\'ll keep working at it together ~ one breath, one step, one day at a time.
I can\'t stand that our precious children have been snatched away but now it\'s up to us to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and look for a new peace.
Blessings and peace to you sweet Sandi ~ Debbie
Sandi, I pray you can feel a little better..... Just think of this verse when you think of Kenny:
\"I thank my God every time I remember you\" (Philippians 1:3)
I am so grateful that God chose me to be Brandon\'s mom like I know you are honored to be Kenny\'s Mom. We should observe Mother\'s Day as mothers of our dear sweet children who have ventured into heaven before us....there is where they wait for us. Love and peace....dale, brandon\'s mom
Oh Sandi, I hear you...the loss of our children shakes every belief we ever had about life, death, the spirit, our purpose...all the major questions of life. I believe that we can never go back to the same beliefs we held before this terrible event in our lives. I believe that it is a time for us to actaully deepen the beliefs that are our own...the ones deep down inside of us that no one taught us. It is a time to grieve, learn, grow and listen to ourselves....the holiness that is whithin us. Don\'t be afraid to let go a little bit and wander around in your own Spirit....you are a beautiful, strong, spiritual, loving person, that is evident from all you write. I am sure you won\'t lose your beliefs, you will just end up making them stronger. Depression, to me, feels like a dark hole and you are at the bottom trying to get out. The sadness we are all experiencing with the loss of our children seems to control us sometimes...sometimes it seems like there will be no end to this pain. But, as so many in this group have promised, there is a lessening of the pain as time goes on and there are wonderful memories that will sustain us throughout the rest of our lives. Hang in there....dear Sandi...we are with you...Peace and Love to you, always, Anne
The only way I could get through those days, months and years after Terry died was to get up every morning and pray to God to get me through another day. The 91st Psalm was one of the biggest helps for me. I began to personalize those scriptures when I would pray. With each day that passed it seemed to help. I listened to Christian music but I made sure that it was encouraging music to listen too. Going to church, I still hit and miss going faithfully, I try to make it but sometimes I just simply don\'t feel like it. With time I have learned that our relationship with God is an intimate personal one. The church is there to offer strength and encouragement to press on for the Lord. I pray that God will lift you up and carry you.
As far as the meds for depression I too didn\'t want to take any, it was 2 and half years after Terry\'s death that I did make the choice to take them. I took them for about 9 months or so, when I felt like I could began to deal with life again, I started to wean off of them. If I felt like I needed them again I would consider taking them again.
After 3 years, the pain of Terry\'s death has gotten less. I know that when he got killed I couldn\'t ever imagine feeling like living again, but I have come to realize that I have a daughter and grandchildren who need me, so that has helped me to try and let God come in and start healing my brokenheart, it took me several years to do that and every once and awhile I need God to come in again and heal another part of my life and heart.
I love you
Debbie
Sandi, I didn\'t find this group until my son had been gone for 5 months--in late Oct of \'09. I did find a Griefshare group in Sept, and I went to 2 different Compassionate friends meetings in July. So I\'d had some support, but not the really intimate support like we have here. For me, ALL those things together, plus seeing a counselor regularly is what has helped me chase the depression away. I normally have this goofy upbeat personality that doesn\'t know HOW to get depressed--like I have the manic without the depression--I\'ve been told that by several counselors. I can find things to be happy and positive about even when my life totally sucks. I have no idea why I\'m this way. It \'s just the way God made me, probably to help me be a survivor, because I\'ve had to deal with a number of unpleasant situations throughout my life. When Mike died, I was devastated and I felt myself sliping into THAT PiT, but I knew I couldn\'t let myself stay there for long, so I told myself this is only a \"situational depression,\" which truly it was. And I think that is what most moms here find themselves dealing with, unless they were already depressed before their child died. I am not a big believer in taking medication for situational depression because it ends up prolonging grief. You are sad for a good reason. You lost someone you loved more than life itself--someone you\'d probably have been willing to give up your own life for, if that would have somehow saved him. I don\'t remember who told me this but it was great advice--\"Don\'t try to run from your grief. Instead--Lean into it! Let it wash over you and cry with all your heart whenever you feel the need to--the more often you do that at the beginning, the less you\'ll need to do it as time goes on.\"
Some moms feel the need to \"wear the mask\" meaning if someone asks if they are \"Ok?\" they pretend they are even if they are having a bad day or even a bad moment. I don\'t believe in \"the mask\" concept. I have never been anywhere I felt I couldn\'t be honest with people, but will admit I am retired, but I think you are, too, so doubt you\'d have to go work and pretend your fine when you\'re not.
You asked, How do we continue to \"Stay Up\" ? No one should be expecting that of you Sandi!! If they are, tell them to get real! Or better yet, send them to one of us who\'s been around a while and we will straighten them out! And who says you have to sit around and listen to Christian music all day if it is upsetting you ? Maybe no music right now is what you need? Or different music? Some moms get so upset they can\'t even go to church for awhile after they\'ve lost their child, for a variety of reasons. That didn\'t happen to me, so I can\'t speak to that concern, but I\'ve read many journals from moms working through issues of that nature. Just because Kenny was a minister doesn\'t mean YOUR faith hasn\'t been tested! If you ever get in the mood to read again, WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE is a terrific book that deals with issues of that nature.
When I first joined this group, one of the moms said, \"Welcome. I\'m so sorry you\'ve had to join us, but you really couldn\'t have joined a nicer group. The journey is long and hard but their are lots of moms to hold your hand and light the way if you stumble, and we\'ll pick you back up if you fall...\" I have no idea who said that to me, but she was absolutely right. I\'ve made a lot of progress in 7 m os. Now I\'m holding the new moms\' hands. Soon you will be,too. Sometimes you just gotta have a little faith, Sandi... and take baby steps. Love you, Cherie
You kinda figure it out along the way. You somehow make it through each day...then weeks and believe it or not years. Don\'t worry about trying to figure it all out right now...just try to get through each day. Love to you...Karen
Sandi, I wish I could help!!! I am in a bit of a dumper myself these last few days. Sometimes the days are good and you manage but other days are a bomb but you still manage. I had been gone for five of the six months since Cory\'s passing. I returned home on Thursday just in time for a letter from Hospice inviting me to a grief gathering on Tuesday. I went hoping for something and found that others were suffering so much more then I. I felt so bad for these people. I am sad but the degree of their pain was so desperate. I was rather down the rest of the day but today is another day and I did quite well considering this is the six month mark. I hope the ladies here can offer you some comfort for it seems to me you are crying a little harder this week and that is OK but I again wish I could hold you hand, hug you and cry with you to help wash away the pain.
I\'m hoping that you find your way through the depression soon.I don\'t think that\'s there\'s only one way.I think it\'s probably different for each person.I do admire you for getting out and making the effort to be part of this world though.I know that\'s not such an easy thing.Keep going (smiles)
Some days are worse than others, for sure Sandi. I do hope you\'re getting some councelling or attending other grief support meetings. I am starting one next week. I also attend a bible study each Thursday and we have tea afterwards and visit, and we also pray for each other. I find this so helpful and do look forward to being with my nursing friends (we are all retired now) The local funeral home is bringing a Dr who specializes in grief councelling, he is holding a seminar next month, I\'m so blessed as three of the ladies from the Thursday group are coming along with me to support me. I don\'t know Sandi, it\'s going to take time and I know it\'s normal to be devastated some days.
Take care friend
Joan
I think Karen said it best. Just try to get through each day......Hugs, Pat
Just take one day at a time, or break it down further if you have to. The sad truth is, this is something that never goes away, we just adjust to being able to tolerate it for the most part. The church part can certainly be a challenge even for someone who is deeply rooted in their church. Just remember, \"church\" doesn\'t have all your answers and comfort, church is made up of humans and they don\'t always have the answers, just human love they are trying to help you with. God has your your perfect plan in His heart. Keep your relationship with him. Remember, just like a parent, He will hold you and comfort you when you just need to cry and experience your grief. These other Mother\'s here will come the closest to knowing what you actually feel and we will always be here with hugs, love and whatever words of encouragement and experience we can offer...Lynn
I too think Karen said it best, just try to get through a day at a time, put one step in front of the other and just breathe. This is a journey no one should ever have to make but in time, you will be telling new moms here just what we are telling you now and your words will comfort them. Be gentle on yourself whatever your emotions may be. No one person grieves the same as another. May the sun shine on your world today. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
You just do one day at a time and try not to worry about what\'s going to happen and it does get less in your face as time goes by. Each day you must choose and sometimes 100 times a day that you can and will do this and you can, Hugs Cathy
I had a very hard time with church too. I think it\'s because if it was a big part of your life, it\'s a place you went with your whole family and now someone is missing. I have a new song that is helping me - Before the Morning by Josh Wilson. You tube it. It\'s a beautiful, uplifting song. This is just the pain before the joy. Here for you. Love and hugs, Julia