Going From Bad To Worse - Part 1

Wednesday, November 18, 2009 - 12:14 PM   Almost everything in my life seems to be going from bad to worse. Although I have tried figuring out exactly what it is that is causing most of my problems, I am unable to pinpoint any one specific thing. I have managed to reach one conclusion though; I feel as though I am causing some of my own problems.   During the last several months, I have noticed that my depression has gone from bad to worse. I do not want to do anything, go anywhere, or be around many people. All I really want to do is sleep, and I cannot even seem to do much of that. Simply put, I have lost almost all my interests, and do not want to do much of anything.   When I first began feeling this way, I decided on my own that my antidepressants were not working as well as they used to, so I took it upon myself to stop using them almost entirely. I now know that it was a mistake to do that, especially without talking it over with my therapists or my psychiatrist first. I finally came to this realization yesterday.   My boycott of antidepressants began at least five or six months ago. I know it was that long ago because I had amassed five bottles of medications during that period (I get one bottle of medicine, for each prescription, each month). After looking at the bottles for a while, I finally concluded that it would be best to throw them out. That might have been okay if I had not gone to the pharmacy and gotten refills each month even though I did not need them.   Two or three weeks ago, I went to the mental health pharmacy and got refills on four of my medications. Since I had enough medication at home to last for a while, I did not open or look at any of the pills I had gotten from the pharmacy until earlier this week. When I did open the package, I quickly saw that there were two different kinds of Depakote there. One was kind of an orange color, and the other was white. I automatically knew that something was not quite right. Both of the medicines were entirely different from the Depakote I usually take.   I was unable to see my mental health therapist on Monday due to some more snow that we received during the weekend. In spite of that, I was able to talk with him by phone. While we were talking, I told him about the different kinds of Depakote that I had received and asked if he could do something about it. He said that he would talk with some of the nurses and have one of them get back to me. He carried through on that promise, and someone called me yesterday afternoon.   I tried explaining to the nurse about the problem with the Depakote. I told her that I now had three different types of it, and that I only wanted the first one, which I had been accustomed to taking.   Our conversation took some unexpected twists and turns, and I soon found myself admitting to the nurse that I had all but stopped taking the Depakote, along with the Wellbutrin, altogether. She wanted to know why I would keep getting refills of medicines that I no longer used. The real reason was that I was afraid of being yelled at by my psychiatrist for not taking them. I tried explaining some of my reasoning to her (not about that fear), but by then the damage had been done.   She noted that I was not scheduled to see my psychiatrist until January 26, and said that she thought I should see him sooner than that. She would like me to see him as soon as possible. Well, what she wants, and what I want, are two entirely different things. As of today, I am not inclined to let her get her way.   I am seeing Dr. Martin this afternoon, and intend to discuss my situation with her. Maybe she will have some suggestions about what I should do, or will at least be able to help me start thinking properly again. I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me, but a lot of things seem to be out of whack.   The nurse I spoke with yesterday was extremely nice with me. However, at various times in our conversation, I had this feeling that I was being scolded much as a parent might scold a child. I was upset then, and still feel that way now. For whatever reasons, I am also hurt, angry, and afraid. (I have a feeling that some of this may go back to the way I was treated when I was a child.)   A few other things are going on in my life, but I think it will be best if I put off telling about those until another day.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

I would bet that if you go back to your journals this time LAST year, you\'d find you did the same thing: quit your meds.

Jim, some folks, for whatever reason, get chemically imbalanced. If you need the drugs to maintain the balance, THEN TAKE THEM. (Firm caps, not yelling.)

No doubt you have horrors you relive many times during your interaction with people. So do I. BUT, I have tried to remember to \'keep stuff where it\'s at\'. In other words, I have to remember triggered feelings may not be appropriate to the *current* situation.

The scoldings you got as a child have NOTHING to do with someone telling you they\'re concerned that you\'re not taking medicine you need as an adult.

Just because a feeling is familiar, doesn\'t mean it\'s accurate.

What is it about this time of year, or near it, that inspires you to stop taking your meds.....

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
JimK
JimK

I began cutting back on the meds about five months ago, but about 4-6 weeks ago, I stopped almost entirely without even thinking about it. I really don\'t know what caused this, other than a feeling that life wasn\'t worth living. As for the present time, I understand it much better. Dad died before Thanksgiving, and mom died 10 days before Christmas. That pretty much ruined the holidays for me.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Jim,

It\'s totally normal to stop taking your meds. It\'s normal, but perhaps not the wisest choice. I have been taking anti-depressants since my early twenties. I have gone off them twice (on my own, without telling my Dr.). I can\'t exactly say why I did it other than I believed they weren\'t working anymore. I fell deeper into the depression.

I hope you aren\'t afraid to tell Dr. Martin that you stopped taking them. Dr.\'s are very used to patients doing this. It seems to almost be a side effect of taking them. I watched a psychiatrist who suffered mental illness speak about this. She too stopped taking her meds and was able to help her colleagues better understand why patients do this. I sometimes wonder if it\'s not a deep-seated desire to be \'healthy\'.

I think you\'ve got a huge plate of emotional pain on your lap right now. You have started to tackle the wounds left behind from the sexual abuse. That would easily cause anyone to get depressed. Not to mention the tragedies of your parents deaths.

You don\'t need scolding. That will not help you at all. Can you tell the nurse that? Something along the lines of \"I scold myself often enough so please refrain from scolding me.\" I HATE being scolded by those in a helping position. It triggers a wealth of feelings inside of me. The main one is fear. Fear that I am being misunderstood and fear that I am going to lose any control I have.

Hopefully the anti-depressants will be more effective since you took a break from them. I will hope for that.

More hugs and mojo.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sam is cool, isn\'t she.
: )

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
JimK
JimK

Yes, Sam is very cool. And, Weebs, you aren\'t too bad yourself. I\'m very fortunate to have both of you in my life.

I saw Dr. Martin yesterday. She took the news well, just as if she\'s heard the same thing countless times from others. She jokingly (I think) called me sneaky. Who? Me? Never!

The real thing I fear is going to the mental health clinic tomorrow. If Ass-A-Ride gets me there early enough (before my appointment with Dale), I\'m going to try getting the Depakote exchanged at their pharmacy. They have been good about such things in the past. If I run into trouble, I can always get a prescription from my primary care physician.

As for trying to see my psychiatrist this month, or early in December, that isn\'t in my plans. I don\'t like him, and never have. Dr. Martin said if that was the case, I should get a different doctor. But, he\'s pretty old, and I feel sorry for him, so I\'m not sure what to do.

I began taking ALL of my medicine yesterday. I know that most doctors say it will take 2-3 weeks for antidepressants to kick in, but because of my CP, and the affect it has on my central nervous system, I can usually tell a difference within a day or two. That\'s the case today, and, no, it\'s not just my imagination.

If anyone starts scolding me tomorrow, I\'m outta there! I\'m too old to be treated like that.

Yes, I am trying to deal with a lot of issues right now, not the least of which is the sexual abuse. That alone is almost driving me crazy. I keep visualizing everything that was done to me, and the way it still affects me. As much as I fear death, there are times when I think it might be my only way out of this mess. Having said that, I will also say that I don\'t give up easily on anything, so I\'m not going to do anything drastic, especially during the holidays.

Thanks for the constant support both of you always give me. You will never know how much your positive support has meant to me. Whenever I am facing a crisis, you, and some others, always seem to pop up at just the right time. All of you are awesome and priceless!
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are awesome and priceless too. When I read the parts of your story it was during the stage you are in. It made me feel less alone. I will forever be grateful for you sharing so much and with such brevity.

Anti D\'s kick in for me almost immediately too. I have always felt better within a couple of days of taking them.

You don\'t like your psychiatrist? Join the VERY LARGE CLUB. I think it\'s the profession as a whole and the way it\'s set up. Do you need to see him for meds? I am trying to avoid seeing them if at all possible.

Giving up on life is something that I\'ve often felt like doing. I now tell myself that it will come eventually. That is one thing all humans can count on. When I\'m at my lowest point and feel it\'s not worth it anymore I remind myself that it will come one day. I really hope there is an afterlife of some sort so that we can meet one day. If not in this lifetime, perhaps the next.
deleted_user
deleted_user

\"Yes, I am trying to deal with a lot of issues right now, not the least of which is the sexual abuse. \"

That\'s probably the problem, too many things at once. And it\'s reeeeeeeeal easy for an outsider to say \'just pick ONE and deal with it\'.

It\'s what you need to do, but I know, that all the gunk doesn\'t present itself in any organized kind of way to make it easy for you to know what to do first.

You think you\'re making the best choice you can, but feel the other crap lurking there..... And if one of the ones you *didn\'t* choose just comes along and whaps you while you\'re working hard on the other, you think you made a wrong or stupid choice for the first thing to work on...

blah blah blah... yadda yadda yadda...

Yeah, I know the drill.

Maybe the question to your docs/etc is, how do you get organized? How do you pick one thing or aspect and break it down to something you can stomp on? (Or in your case roll over.) Do you break it into fear, anger, sadness, etc? By emotion? Chronologically? Symptom?]

Jeepers... I need a hot fudge sundae now!

: P

Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh PS - If you don\'t like your psychiatrist, his welfare is not your problem. I appreciate that you want to be kind and thoughtful, but YOU\'RE the patient, not him.

Find a new one!
CoolGal
CoolGal

Hi Jim Sorry it took me a couple of days to see this Journal. I hope things will start turning around for you soon. I know it isn\'t easy.We have all been through a lot or we wouldn\'t be on DS. I have had a level of depression since my dad died in 2001. I have really lost interest in many things and I am a shell of the person I once was before his death, Hang in there. many hugs-Stephanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

\" Oh PS - If you don\'t like your psychiatrist, his welfare is not your problem. I appreciate that you want to be kind and thoughtful, but YOU\'RE the patient, not him.

Find a new one! \"

That girl sure is an ass kicker. Gotta love it. She is absolutely right.
Send the man a thank you card and move on.
Sometimes really nice people forget that a doctor or any professional... works FOR them. You are HIS boss. He is your employee.
Think about it.

I really like my psychiatrist....he is a cool dude....what a difference liking your doctor will make in your life, Jim. Ask Dr. Martin and Dale for suggestions on which doctors in your area they think might be suitable for a jazz lover.

Did you happen to forget that you are incredibly precious and
irreplaceable ??!!!!

Just checking.

My fingers just surrendered.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Jim I am sorry I have been away for so long, I am very glad you have such good and constant support from your friends here. I recently went throught the refusing to take the meds too, I think we get out of whack, but I think it\'s important to let people know about it too, that way, an out of whack day or week doesn\'t turn into a month or year. with my history, it can get dangerous if I get off my meds. I get dangerous to myself, and I know I am difficult to be around when I get out of whack
JimK
JimK

\"Did you happen to forget that you are incredibly precious and
irreplaceable ??!!!!\"

Thank you very much, but I think you have me confused with someone else.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Actually, GoodGod had the right idea.

Do send the psych a thank you card. As a (former) journalist, that\'s a professional and classy thing to do.

More Hugs and Mojo
Weebs