going back to old habits and thoughts

this morning i thought about how my dad raised me and my brother and how some people in my past mite play a role in how i communicate with others. one of my dad's biggest mistakes was he took me to a wedding party when i was 5 and he drank so much that he got drunk. i witnessed him throwing up in the car and his friend was the designated driver. i also remembered seeing him throw up in the bathroom in the toilet and being afraid to b around him for almost a week. well im not a little girl anymore but its still hard and a lot of it in my past really shaped my attitude and personality. this lady who my mom isnt a huge fan of, i know her personally and my mom would compare me to her whenever she'd pick out the negative qualities about her. she'd b like "your like that lady." and my mom also isnt a big fan of her kids either mainly cos she doesnt know how to teach her kids right from wrong. sometimes she'd compare my dad to that lady also. and now this morning i have been thinking of what foods to binge on and i was putting the puzzle pieces together and now i feel i have an idea of how i am going to end up. one is i may take my own life 2 i'll be one of those relatives or mothers no one really likes cos of the way that i am like my aunt on my dad's side or the lady who i just talked about. my mom would sometimes say that some of my friends just hang out with me cos they r nice to me. and the lady's oldest daughter i went to their house again a few yrs ago with my family and my mom told me that that girl doesnt need me. she has her own friends. i used to look at that girl as my best friend and she was also my enemy. my mom told me that i also used to copy other people whenever i play with them and she'd say no girls copy u when they play with u. and shed say u always copy the stupid, yucky things and put it on you. and i am thinking i shood go back to bulimia cos no one will care what will happen to me.