Going back over things
Ok. Going back over my cards, and they're kind of losing some effectiveness. I want to sum them back up here, see if that will help. In no particular order:
I told my wife I was feeling confident and strong one morning. She reacted with horror, shrinking back into the corner of our bedroom, and told me 'I don't like it when you're like this. I feel like you could be capable of anything - like you'd just throw me down and rape me.'I bought a new piano. I wanted the first song I played on it to be special, so I played our wedding song, and sang it, too. She walked upstairs to put laundry away halfway through the first verse.She convinced my friend to come over while I was drunk and had just tried to kill myself. She has since admitted that it was so that she would go away, and not change her mind and come back. And that she (my wife) was the one who should get to stay, because she was my wife, and we had kids. Never mind that I kept insisting I just wanted her around as a friend - sit and watch a movie, or work out together like we had done in the past.Countless instances of asking me a question and walking away from me while I answered.A friend from Sunday School was offering me condolances, and my wife joined the conversation. Within moments, the conversation was over what my daughter was doing in school, and I had been physically cut out of the group - my wife stood with her back to me.Countless accusations of not caring if the things I wanted for the kids would hurt or kill them. I've been accused of not caring if my son would go out in the street and get run over if I let him play in the front yard, not caring if he fell down the stairs and cracked his head for wanting to take down the baby gate or removing the door lock from his room, not caring if he stuck his finger in the power outlet and got electricuted for wanting him to be out of a crib.On two times I nearly comitted suicide, within a few hours after I calmed down, the discussion had turned to how horrible it was for her to have to hear me talking about suicide, and how she just wanted me to reassure her that I was committed to her and our relationship. On one occasion, I was in full panic mode, and she responded 'I can't handle hearing this right now. I'm going to go do laundry.' And then two hours later, I learned that she had had a very nice, relaxing nap.She would frequently encourage me to hang out with my friend, then when I got home, tell me how hurt she was and how horrible I was for hanging out with someon else while she was stuck at home with the kids. And then we'd fight, and then she'd go and tell everyone - including my friend - that we had just fought again because of her.If I tried to stand my ground in an argument, she would eventually reach a point of threatening to cut herself or kill herself, and would often scratch, claw, punch, and slap herself, or pull her hair.She spends all day with the kids, takes them to parks and zoos and museums. Brings extra kids along. Then complains that the house is a mess, and I never do my part in keeping it clean. She honestly expects me to come home from work and clean house, because she's so tired, because she's had the kids all day.Several times, she's pulled out family vacations, and when the timing or the destination didn't work for me, she would pack the kids up and go with her parents for a week or two. When the kids asked why I wasn't going with, she'd tell them 'Daddy has to work' or Daddy has a show, so he can't come with us. Once, I rearranged the furniture while she was gone, as a surprise for her, and told her about it on the phone. She assured me that I had ruined her trip by doing so, because she was so afraid of how the house was going to look when she got back.She would (and does) constantly ask me to initiate sex, yet when I do, she rebuffs me. Our record is eight months straight with no sexual contact whatsoever. She's called me a sex addict for requesting sex weekly. And threatened to complain to others about my 'sexual addiction.' One time when I was more insistant, and took the initiative, once we finished, she ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and cried. When I asked what was wrong, she told me it was almost like I raped her.She has frequently amused herself by popping my pimples, continuing long after it's popped, even as I begged and cried for her to stop. Eventually it got to the point where she would do the same for any blemish, mole, or freckle that caught her eye, and would not stop until I physically batted her away. It was humiliating. And yet I realize I would offer her a chance to do it again whenever we had fought, or she had a bad day. I asked her to pinch me in order to cheer herself up. I'd feel glad I could help. That fact right there still makes we want to throw up a little.I'd be telling a story to friends, and she'd pick some tiny little fact to correct me on. Every time.I hand made multiple presents for her, and all of them resulted in the same response 'well, why didn't you do this THIS way?'She knew I was having a rough day once, and came over to my place to keep me company. Let me pick a movie for us to watch. And then sat on the couch texting people on her cell phone throughout it. And then complains to the councellors that when I come over, I spend all my time on my cell phone.
She read my messages and emails, and demanded that I recite my conversations I'd had over the course of the day to her. Once, we got in a huge fight because a friend of mine said that something wasn't sexy, and my wife insisted that her using that word was completely inappropriate for use in a conversation with a married man, and that I had no interest in assuring her that I was interested in the marriage anymore, because I didn't scold her for saying it. Similar results when someone else informed me they were reading 50 shades of grey. She continued reading them well after I moved out, after I changed my passwords.One Sunday at church, I was feeling kind of vulnerable, open to the service, and she reached over to rub my back. My panic mode went off, I was flooded, and I started writhing in place, arching my back to get away from her, to break the connection. She maintained it more than 10 minutes as I tried to get away from her touch, standing on one foot, leaning away from her. Then she told me how much it hurt her that I couldn't stand to be touched by her and that I expected her to ask to see if I was ok with her touching me before she did so.
She was upset when I began exercising when I got home from work, and would often complain, or ask me to do things before I exercised. She invariably would tell me, 'Just do this for me, then you can work out.' or 'I don't need your help much right now, so you can exercise, or play piano, or even just sit and watch some tv for a while.' and then ask me why I chose what I did, and heaven help me if whatever it was was not on the list of things she had recommended. I wouldn't get anger, just bewilderment.
Ultimately, I need to remember. Living like this had me convinced - and yes, it sounds crazy - that she could read my thoughts, that I was crazy for being sure I wasn't invisible, and that I couldn't win.
I told my wife I was feeling confident and strong one morning. She reacted with horror, shrinking back into the corner of our bedroom, and told me 'I don't like it when you're like this. I feel like you could be capable of anything - like you'd just throw me down and rape me.'I bought a new piano. I wanted the first song I played on it to be special, so I played our wedding song, and sang it, too. She walked upstairs to put laundry away halfway through the first verse.She convinced my friend to come over while I was drunk and had just tried to kill myself. She has since admitted that it was so that she would go away, and not change her mind and come back. And that she (my wife) was the one who should get to stay, because she was my wife, and we had kids. Never mind that I kept insisting I just wanted her around as a friend - sit and watch a movie, or work out together like we had done in the past.Countless instances of asking me a question and walking away from me while I answered.A friend from Sunday School was offering me condolances, and my wife joined the conversation. Within moments, the conversation was over what my daughter was doing in school, and I had been physically cut out of the group - my wife stood with her back to me.Countless accusations of not caring if the things I wanted for the kids would hurt or kill them. I've been accused of not caring if my son would go out in the street and get run over if I let him play in the front yard, not caring if he fell down the stairs and cracked his head for wanting to take down the baby gate or removing the door lock from his room, not caring if he stuck his finger in the power outlet and got electricuted for wanting him to be out of a crib.On two times I nearly comitted suicide, within a few hours after I calmed down, the discussion had turned to how horrible it was for her to have to hear me talking about suicide, and how she just wanted me to reassure her that I was committed to her and our relationship. On one occasion, I was in full panic mode, and she responded 'I can't handle hearing this right now. I'm going to go do laundry.' And then two hours later, I learned that she had had a very nice, relaxing nap.She would frequently encourage me to hang out with my friend, then when I got home, tell me how hurt she was and how horrible I was for hanging out with someon else while she was stuck at home with the kids. And then we'd fight, and then she'd go and tell everyone - including my friend - that we had just fought again because of her.If I tried to stand my ground in an argument, she would eventually reach a point of threatening to cut herself or kill herself, and would often scratch, claw, punch, and slap herself, or pull her hair.She spends all day with the kids, takes them to parks and zoos and museums. Brings extra kids along. Then complains that the house is a mess, and I never do my part in keeping it clean. She honestly expects me to come home from work and clean house, because she's so tired, because she's had the kids all day.Several times, she's pulled out family vacations, and when the timing or the destination didn't work for me, she would pack the kids up and go with her parents for a week or two. When the kids asked why I wasn't going with, she'd tell them 'Daddy has to work' or Daddy has a show, so he can't come with us. Once, I rearranged the furniture while she was gone, as a surprise for her, and told her about it on the phone. She assured me that I had ruined her trip by doing so, because she was so afraid of how the house was going to look when she got back.She would (and does) constantly ask me to initiate sex, yet when I do, she rebuffs me. Our record is eight months straight with no sexual contact whatsoever. She's called me a sex addict for requesting sex weekly. And threatened to complain to others about my 'sexual addiction.' One time when I was more insistant, and took the initiative, once we finished, she ran into the bathroom, locked the door, and cried. When I asked what was wrong, she told me it was almost like I raped her.She has frequently amused herself by popping my pimples, continuing long after it's popped, even as I begged and cried for her to stop. Eventually it got to the point where she would do the same for any blemish, mole, or freckle that caught her eye, and would not stop until I physically batted her away. It was humiliating. And yet I realize I would offer her a chance to do it again whenever we had fought, or she had a bad day. I asked her to pinch me in order to cheer herself up. I'd feel glad I could help. That fact right there still makes we want to throw up a little.I'd be telling a story to friends, and she'd pick some tiny little fact to correct me on. Every time.I hand made multiple presents for her, and all of them resulted in the same response 'well, why didn't you do this THIS way?'She knew I was having a rough day once, and came over to my place to keep me company. Let me pick a movie for us to watch. And then sat on the couch texting people on her cell phone throughout it. And then complains to the councellors that when I come over, I spend all my time on my cell phone.
She read my messages and emails, and demanded that I recite my conversations I'd had over the course of the day to her. Once, we got in a huge fight because a friend of mine said that something wasn't sexy, and my wife insisted that her using that word was completely inappropriate for use in a conversation with a married man, and that I had no interest in assuring her that I was interested in the marriage anymore, because I didn't scold her for saying it. Similar results when someone else informed me they were reading 50 shades of grey. She continued reading them well after I moved out, after I changed my passwords.One Sunday at church, I was feeling kind of vulnerable, open to the service, and she reached over to rub my back. My panic mode went off, I was flooded, and I started writhing in place, arching my back to get away from her, to break the connection. She maintained it more than 10 minutes as I tried to get away from her touch, standing on one foot, leaning away from her. Then she told me how much it hurt her that I couldn't stand to be touched by her and that I expected her to ask to see if I was ok with her touching me before she did so.
She was upset when I began exercising when I got home from work, and would often complain, or ask me to do things before I exercised. She invariably would tell me, 'Just do this for me, then you can work out.' or 'I don't need your help much right now, so you can exercise, or play piano, or even just sit and watch some tv for a while.' and then ask me why I chose what I did, and heaven help me if whatever it was was not on the list of things she had recommended. I wouldn't get anger, just bewilderment.
Ultimately, I need to remember. Living like this had me convinced - and yes, it sounds crazy - that she could read my thoughts, that I was crazy for being sure I wasn't invisible, and that I couldn't win.
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