GOD'S GRACE
So, my husband has been clean for nearly 160 days. He has made positive stride to better our marriage however I am not feeling up to revamping it with him... I'm letting him do all the work. I know its completely unfair however I have fought and fought for our marriage for the last 8 years and I'm completely exhausted and wiped-out... I feel like I am on autopilot.. just going along day by day with no really change or impact. I am struggling with forgiving him and often wonder if its because I am still going through my healing process. Some days I am happy and content and other days, I just hate life. I ride a roller-coaster of emotions and ugly thoughts of all the cramp I've endured.
Than I find myself grateful that God has intervene to salvage my husband and what (if anything) is left of our marriage. I think what really bothers me the most is there is absolute nothing that is special and ours... he has given that all up with his affairs. He has given up what was sacred to other women and the both (husband & the women) have stolen from our marriage. And to be honest, everyday I try and find something that is special and ours to hold on to but all I have left is the covenant with Christ which I have not destroyed. My ultimate trial is forgiving... I have read the bible and therapeutic articles about how marriages survive and all of them say "FORGIVENESS". So as each day passes, I ask God to help me forgive him.. Forgive him so I can have true healing otherwise I continue to be bitter and resentful. He is working in me to forgive and forget the ugliness of our marriage. I have faith it will come to pass.
So, as I write this journal entry I understand the purpose of forgiveness.. Our Lord and Savior died on the cross for our sins and rose again for us to be alive. I am no saint that for sure.. and my husband's sins are no different than the sins I have done in my lifetime... God sees no level of sin because a sin is a sin no matter what.. Therefore, I remind myself everyday that when My Father was hanging on the cross for our suffering.. he said "It Is Finished"... we are forgiven so long as we ask for it... This is my only way of keeping my marriage in tact.. It's a challenge because I still hurt but I know he is with me and my husband to accomplish what he has in store for us.. What we went through is nothing compared to Our Lord's suffering. He was made perfect for us to have eternal life.. How can I deny his love when his love is so unconditional. There is where my faith and hope comes into play. See I have to trust in the Heavenly Father to restore life in us and reconcile our marriage. This is beyond my fixing.. It is too big for me to endure alone and he provides hope and strength each day to overcome what the devil tries to destroy.
For those who have read this, I hope you find a glimpse of what Christ is about and to know he is LOVE!.
Than I find myself grateful that God has intervene to salvage my husband and what (if anything) is left of our marriage. I think what really bothers me the most is there is absolute nothing that is special and ours... he has given that all up with his affairs. He has given up what was sacred to other women and the both (husband & the women) have stolen from our marriage. And to be honest, everyday I try and find something that is special and ours to hold on to but all I have left is the covenant with Christ which I have not destroyed. My ultimate trial is forgiving... I have read the bible and therapeutic articles about how marriages survive and all of them say "FORGIVENESS". So as each day passes, I ask God to help me forgive him.. Forgive him so I can have true healing otherwise I continue to be bitter and resentful. He is working in me to forgive and forget the ugliness of our marriage. I have faith it will come to pass.
So, as I write this journal entry I understand the purpose of forgiveness.. Our Lord and Savior died on the cross for our sins and rose again for us to be alive. I am no saint that for sure.. and my husband's sins are no different than the sins I have done in my lifetime... God sees no level of sin because a sin is a sin no matter what.. Therefore, I remind myself everyday that when My Father was hanging on the cross for our suffering.. he said "It Is Finished"... we are forgiven so long as we ask for it... This is my only way of keeping my marriage in tact.. It's a challenge because I still hurt but I know he is with me and my husband to accomplish what he has in store for us.. What we went through is nothing compared to Our Lord's suffering. He was made perfect for us to have eternal life.. How can I deny his love when his love is so unconditional. There is where my faith and hope comes into play. See I have to trust in the Heavenly Father to restore life in us and reconcile our marriage. This is beyond my fixing.. It is too big for me to endure alone and he provides hope and strength each day to overcome what the devil tries to destroy.
For those who have read this, I hope you find a glimpse of what Christ is about and to know he is LOVE!.
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