God knows that I've tried to make things work with this man ...
something inside me was screaming, "DON'T TRUST HIM."
We've been trying to work things out for the past 3 months, and I won't lie ... it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. When I returned home, to try and work things out, I discovered her things -- shoes, soap, razor, ... you get the idea -- and yes I got on that damn roller coaster again -- I really hate theme parks now, just so you know. Well, he's trying I give him that, but something was telling me "hold off, somethin isn't right". OK, I installed a keylogger on his laptop and I've been quietly monitoring his activity ... and yes, he's lied to me. Not knowing what else to do I created an email account and pretended to be someone ... else (wink wink) He fell for it. He sent what he thought was her a birthday card and told her that he loved her.
I confronted him, and he said he was just trying to be nice.
I still have that something inside me that's screaming " ..." My question is, what do I do now?
When will I have a good day?
We've been trying to work things out for the past 3 months, and I won't lie ... it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. When I returned home, to try and work things out, I discovered her things -- shoes, soap, razor, ... you get the idea -- and yes I got on that damn roller coaster again -- I really hate theme parks now, just so you know. Well, he's trying I give him that, but something was telling me "hold off, somethin isn't right". OK, I installed a keylogger on his laptop and I've been quietly monitoring his activity ... and yes, he's lied to me. Not knowing what else to do I created an email account and pretended to be someone ... else (wink wink) He fell for it. He sent what he thought was her a birthday card and told her that he loved her.
I confronted him, and he said he was just trying to be nice.
I still have that something inside me that's screaming " ..." My question is, what do I do now?
When will I have a good day?
Replies
Our culture is concerned with matters of self-esteem. Self-respect, on the other hand, may hold the key to
achieving the peace of mind we seek. The two concepts seem very similar but the differences between
them are crucial.
To esteem anything is to evaluate it positively and hold it in high regard, but evaluation gets us into
trouble because while we sometimes win, we also sometimes lose. To respect something, on the other
hand, is to accept it.
I enjoy singing and do so quite frequently. As those within earshot will attest, I\'m not very good but I
love to sing anyway. During summer parties I frequently sing solo and play the part of the \"moving ball,\"
trying to stay just ahead of the music to provide the words for those who don\'t know the song. I am not
saddened by my lack of talent. I accept the way I sing. Because of this acceptance, I am able to sing
without being evaluative of myself or concerned with what others think.
The word acceptance suggests to some readers that our culture does indeed deal with this idea of selfhttp://
www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1175/is_6_32/ai_56883554 (1 of 3) [7/16/2004 12:35:17 PM]
Psychology Today: Self-esteem vs. Self-respect - Brief Article
respect; after all, don\'t we have the concept that it is important to accept our limitations? Aren\'t many of
us encouraged \"to change the things we can change, accept the things we cannot change and know the
difference between the two?\" I believe I could learn to sing better, so my acceptance is not based on my
limitations. Nor is it based on resignation, since I am not resigned to the belief that I cannot sing well and
am not committed to any particular belief about my voice in the future.
The person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. This self-respect is not contingent on success
because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with
others because there is always someone better. These are tactics usually employed to increase selfesteem.
Self-respect, however, is a given. We simply like ourselves or we don\'t. With self-respect, we
like ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do.
Consider an interesting test of self-respect. If someone compliments us, what is our reaction? If we are
very pleased, it would suggest a certain amount of uncertainty about our skill. Imagine that somebody
Whose opinion we respect told us that we were great at spelling three-letter words, or that our
pronunciation of vowels was wonderful. Chances are we would not be moved. We know we can do it in
the first case, and we don\'t care in the second. Because we were not evaluating ourselves, the compliment
was unimportant. The more instances in which we don\'t \"take the compliment,\" the less vulnerable we
become to evaluation and insult.
My recent research, with Judith White and Johnny Walsch at Harvard University, points to the
advantages of self-respect. Compared to those with high self-esteem who are still caught in an evaluative
framework, those with self-respect are less prone to blame, guilt, regret, lies, secrets and stress.
Many people worry whether there is life after death. Just think about it: If we gave up self-evaluation, we
could have more life before death.
Ellen J. Langer, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, is author of The Power of Mindful
Learning (Perseus, 1997) and Mindfulness (Perseus, 1989).
COPYRIGHT 1999 Sussex Publishers, Inc.
COPYRIGHT 2000 Gale Group
I have self-respect. I lost my self-esteem.