God Is Good
Since finding DS after my husband passed, I have spent a lot of time here, and made some lasting friends. They are cyber friends, but no less, they are friends. I will continue to visit, on occasion, but cannot fully participate in the manner that I once have. When we are widowed, and finding our way and our new self, we are vulnerable and often take the advice of others like gospel, or soak it in like a sponge. Don't get me wrong, DS has been helpful in allowing me to know that I'm not going crazy, or feeling the way I did was wrong. And, when I do return, I will not hesitate to help someone if it is in my mental capacity to do so.
I am under the care of my Christian Counselor, who determined that depression was creeping in and robbing me of the progress I had made. With her, I have been prescribed Prozac, and I believe the Lord led me back to this wonderful person (through the advice of my minister), so that I can continue to recover and rebuild who I am and I want to be. So often after Dick died all the well-meaning advice boiled down to being young, pretty, having my whole life ahead of me. God will give you a boyfriend, partner, yah, yah, yah. At one time I was very adamant, but I now leave my life in God's hands. For the present God has told me I am to remain in my home, and in my community. I am also being drawn closer to my sister, which has not happened our entire life. And, in addition to the friends God has given me, he is drawing me closer to my next door neighbor, a woman of God and faith, who wants to spend more time with me as friends and neighbors, and read the word of God in the bible.
Basically, I don't know what my future holds. No one does, but I do know what I want today. It is attainable, and I will become stronger, more confident, and at peace with it all, but not without the tools that God has provided. I was in the bathroom, crying, telling God I am doing the best I can and I am afraid. And this inner thought comes over me and tells me "Do not be afraid". I was also in bed this morning, awake at 4:30 a.m. because my precious cat in restless, and I feel a hand take one of my own. My husband, or God perhaps? Who knows? But it felt good, and it was comforting, and it was letting me know that I am truly not alone, which is one of the issues I have.
Living on my own, and everything I own I have the responsibility of taking care of, on my own. Scary at most, but I hope to reach the point of that confident, 55 year old woman, who knows her place, is at peace with her life and being on her own. There is so much to do and so much to see, and I have the freedom to experience it all. In the meantime, I must be patient and inch with my baby steps, letting it all hang out with my counselor, and coming to terms with this new life.
I hope I am not rambling, but this is my journal, and like with everything else, I am doing the best I can.
Love you all - keep in touch.
Debbie
I am under the care of my Christian Counselor, who determined that depression was creeping in and robbing me of the progress I had made. With her, I have been prescribed Prozac, and I believe the Lord led me back to this wonderful person (through the advice of my minister), so that I can continue to recover and rebuild who I am and I want to be. So often after Dick died all the well-meaning advice boiled down to being young, pretty, having my whole life ahead of me. God will give you a boyfriend, partner, yah, yah, yah. At one time I was very adamant, but I now leave my life in God's hands. For the present God has told me I am to remain in my home, and in my community. I am also being drawn closer to my sister, which has not happened our entire life. And, in addition to the friends God has given me, he is drawing me closer to my next door neighbor, a woman of God and faith, who wants to spend more time with me as friends and neighbors, and read the word of God in the bible.
Basically, I don't know what my future holds. No one does, but I do know what I want today. It is attainable, and I will become stronger, more confident, and at peace with it all, but not without the tools that God has provided. I was in the bathroom, crying, telling God I am doing the best I can and I am afraid. And this inner thought comes over me and tells me "Do not be afraid". I was also in bed this morning, awake at 4:30 a.m. because my precious cat in restless, and I feel a hand take one of my own. My husband, or God perhaps? Who knows? But it felt good, and it was comforting, and it was letting me know that I am truly not alone, which is one of the issues I have.
Living on my own, and everything I own I have the responsibility of taking care of, on my own. Scary at most, but I hope to reach the point of that confident, 55 year old woman, who knows her place, is at peace with her life and being on her own. There is so much to do and so much to see, and I have the freedom to experience it all. In the meantime, I must be patient and inch with my baby steps, letting it all hang out with my counselor, and coming to terms with this new life.
I hope I am not rambling, but this is my journal, and like with everything else, I am doing the best I can.
Love you all - keep in touch.
Debbie
Replies
Love you too Debbie - and I hope that you will keep in touch. You continue to be an inspiration to me along this journey - our thoughts are so parallel and reading your words validates so many of my feelings.
All we can do....................is all we can do. We never dreamed of being alone at this stage of our lives - our dream and our plan was to grow old with our wonderful spouses. That was not to be - and now we are left to find ourselves and to carve out our own niche in this new world.
I wish you peace and send you a big hug,
Chris
A foggy path at times, ...but God will lead us. Hugs to you, Darlene
Debbie: I know that you will succeed in whatever path you go down because God will lead you. I wish you love, happiness, joy, peace and fulfillment on that journey. You are much stronger than you know and your words have been a help and comfort to me. Hugs and prayers to you until we meet again in cyberland.
Wishing you the very best. This journey is full of valleys and hills, we will conquer them it just takes time. I get impatient with myself and the process thinking I can control my hearts ache better. Time away from the constant reminder may just be what you need...keep in touch...Linda
Debbie, It sounds like you are doing great... seeking God\'s will & for Him to direct your steps is perfect! I am also doing that and have started to see a lay counselor in my church.
I know God is faithful & His promises are true.... wishing you His Joy & peace my Jersey friend!
I may be taking a trip to NJ.. I\'d love to meet you. My brother lives in Lonaka Harbor (down the shore) ..is that far from you? Hugs... Linda
May God continue to guide you and be with you always as he is with all of us. We are truly Blessed.
I look forward to hearing about this new journey called life. Take care of yourself,
Jus me, Becca Z
Don\'t let my words fool anyone. I am far from doing \"great\", but I am just doing the best I can and hope to continue to heal.
Lonaka Harbor is about 2 hours from me, Linda.
Debbie, may you know that you might live alone with your cat, you have me as a cyber friend that cares and I am here for you. I know the loneliness is the worse at times. Although I have kids, I still get lonely. I hope that you continue on your course. It is a road that is not for sissy\'s to say the least. Love, Shelley
We will miss you Debbie. Wishing you the best and hoping you will find your way. Barbara
I have found that journaling has helped me a great deal. Putting the words out there, and being able to go back to reread, has helped me understand the anguish that my husbands death has left behind. It has helps me discover my fears and my stregnths. I find that I don\'t want to spend too much time on DS, because I too need to feel independent and self reliant. However, reaching out to my freinds here on DS via my coments to ther journals, brings me great comfort, because, this pain will not keep me down, it must be an other way to learn who we are and what we can continue to be. It is a struggle and you are not alone and you do not have to be. I am happy that you have found your sister in your life again and that you have a good friend in your neighbor, it is so very important to not spend too much time alone. I am sorry that you are suffering from depression. It hurts, and consumes our world, I hope you find some peace and rest from this depression. Stay Strong Debbie, believe in you and don\'t second guess yourself, you are a woman of strong convictions.
Love to you and hope to hear from you soon.
I feel your pain. I am 48 and I thought I was going to grow old with my husband of 24 years. I never thought otherwise. Now I am finding myself so lonely now no matter where I am. I miss him so much. Faith is what we have and we have to trust in the Lord. I know in your past journals you were adament about not having to date or remarry etc but if the good Lord is going to bless you with someone you cannot fight it. It doesnt mean you will not love your beloved husband any less and dont ever feel guilty if you do someday. When he was alive I am sure you meant it and committed to your marriage vows. I know I did. We have only this one chance left in this life so we have to make the best of it as much as we can and find peace and joy again. With Gods promise we will see our loved ones again but no longer in this present life. My 15 year old daughter said Daddy is not gone he is just somewhere we are not meant to be yet. I pray you have peace in your heart and you find peace and joy again. Blessings and hugs to you. Edie
The individuation process can last a lifetime.
Oftentimes, personal relationships and the comfort they bring, can lead us to a feeling of invincibility within those relationships.
When a loss comes, however; the there is an over-riding truth that can bring shock and dismay to ourselves and the lives we live. It\'s nothing personal, it\'s just life.
How did Moses feel, when after spending 40 years in the desert...perhaps alone...when God told him to lead his people out of Egypt? The difference, on his second foray into the desert, was the fact he had a chaotic crew of people with him...complainers...back biters...self and power seekers...who all fell in the wilderness.
I would imagine Moses would have felt as though his first trip...made in fear after killing an Egyptian...was the preferable trip.
Moses found himself in the desert and gleaned knowledge and strength. After all, when all those people went with him...somebody had to know how and where to find food and water....still...there was daily manna from Heaven...because the provisions of Moses wouldn\'t have been sufficient.
We all find ourselves in the desert somewhere in our lives. It\'s there that we forage...oftentimes as old men and older women...and we learn to feed ourselves. For many, the emotional feedings are what are paramount.
Your daily manna will come...but, to find your emotional self is going to take some time. The desert teaches well and defines us...so, don\'t get ahead of God\'s headlights on any of what He has in store for you.
See life for how you...and you alone...interface with it. The deeper you dig, the cooler the water.