God I'm Sorry
I prayed tonight, long and hard just like I did last night and all the nights before. I forgot who I am and how to even live anymore. I can stare at a blank wall for hours and still feel a huge weight sitting on my empty chest. I prayed that God would find me, that just maybe he could save me some how, that my mouth could tell my story so I could help protect myself and so my attacker couldnt get to me anymore. That maybe some day the abuse reflected on me would actually matter to me so I could have the strength to tell people that "no i'm not fine today and I wasn't fine yesterday or the day before that. That deep inside I'm crying out for help but somehow the only words that come out of my mouth is I'm okay". I know that God is busy and my problems are not compared to others out there, but tonight I am truly begging because I cant find myself. I know that in a month from now this wont even matter, but right now it really does. God, if your listening please know that I am sorry and I know that I can't fix what I have done. If I can't be given the strength to tell others whats going on so they can help me than please give me the strength to pack some bags and leave. I can't do this anymore and I'm not as tough as I used to be. God just always know, I'm sorry for not smiling, for not being able to find happiness and for being me.
Replies
You don\'t need to apologised to God for who you are. He knows every intricate detail about you. He made you. Created you. Because you are important to him! He hurts when you hurt and doesn\'t like what you\'re going through. But he is not the author of your pain!! He wants to help you, give you courage to get help. He hears your prayers and will answer them.
As I read over your journal entries - I hope you don\'t mind! I (I just checked out your profile after reading a post in the rape support group), anyways, as I read I am reminded of a place where I used to be. A place of complete despair, loneliness, suffering and self hate. I cried out to God and he heard me. He answered me and gave me a chance to survive. If he hadn\'t intervened I would have killed myself in belief that that was the only way to stop my pain. I actually went into a program called mercy ministries (it runs in the US also). Its a residential program that helps girls like yourself overcome stuff. It is Christian based. But it is safe and I know it helped me to overcome drug addiction, bulimia, suicidal behaviour, etc. Maybe you could check it out? ...or not... Just putting it out there! You\'re so young and I hope you find some help. Wish I could help you!
Anyways, that is all. Lol hope you don\'t mind me writing to ya!?!
You don\'t need to apologised to God for who you are. He knows every intricate detail about you. He made you. Created you. Because you are important to him! He hurts when you hurt and doesn\'t like what you\'re going through. But he is not the author of your pain!! He wants to help you, give you courage to get help. He hears your prayers and will answer them.
As I read over your journal entries - I hope you don\'t mind! I (I just checked out your profile after reading a post in the rape support group), anyways, as I read I am reminded of a place where I used to be. A place of complete despair, loneliness, suffering and self hate. I cried out to God and he heard me. He answered me and gave me a chance to survive. If he hadn\'t intervened I would have killed myself in belief that that was the only way to stop my pain. I actually went into a program called mercy ministries (it runs in the US also). Its a residential program that helps girls like yourself overcome stuff. It is Christian based. But it is safe and I know it helped me to overcome drug addiction, bulimia, suicidal behaviour, etc. Maybe you could check it out? ...or not... Just putting it out there! You\'re so young and I hope you find some help. Wish I could help you!
Anyways, that is all. Lol hope you don\'t mind me writing to ya!?!
Lol! I didn\'t mean to post tht twice! Ha! Just got impatient and pressed send one too many times- sorry!