God I'm Sorry

I prayed tonight, long and hard just like I did last night and all the nights before. I forgot who I am and how to even live anymore. I can stare at a blank wall for hours and still feel a huge weight sitting on my empty chest. I prayed that God would find me, that just maybe he could save me some how, that my mouth could tell my story so I could help protect myself and so my attacker couldnt get to me anymore. That maybe some day the abuse reflected on me would actually matter to me so I could have the strength to tell people that "no i'm not fine today and I wasn't fine yesterday or the day before that. That deep inside I'm crying out for help but somehow the only words that come out of my mouth is I'm okay". I know that God is busy and my problems are not compared to others out there, but tonight I am truly begging because I cant find myself. I know that in a month from now this wont even matter, but right now it really does. God, if your listening please know that I am sorry and I know that I can't fix what I have done. If I can't be given the strength to tell others whats going on so they can help me than please give me the strength to pack some bags and leave. I can't do this anymore and I'm not as tough as I used to be. God just always know, I'm sorry for not smiling, for not being able to find happiness and for being me.