God......hope.....

Every day of this grief process is different.  All the days have been excruciating in some way or another but I am noticing that my heart pain is changing.................. and my faith is coming back.  You see, I was very angry at God because of Bill's horrible suffering.  He was unable to metabolize the pain medicines because his digestive system was so compromised by the cancer.  Doctor told me that his pain was just like being in a vice.....tightening every day.   It was awful.  Just awful. 
So I questioned God's existence.  IF there is a God, how could he allow this?   I seriously went through a long dark night of the soul.  Where there are no answers.  Only questions.  Where there is no hope.  Only despair.  Where there is no light.  Only dark.  Where there is no reason for anything. 
(As CS Lewis wrote...."no one ever told me that grief feel so much like fear.")
I am just now peaking my head out of the darkness.   I saw a twinge of light one week ago.
I am thinking that on Christmas, hope was born.
And I am starting to understand that we are each a small part of a much bigger story.   A story of humanity that began in the garden of Eden.  
It's not "all about me."  (That is such a hopeless thought)! Each life affects others in so many ways and that is how we are linked together.   Fear and suffering etc., is what makes us......us.      And it touches others down the line.
      My  husband's mother was widowed at age 33 with 3 little boys.  (My husband was the oldest at 12 yrs).  How horrible.  But that sad experience was part of what "made Bill....Bill."  And that's the wonderful guy I fell in love with!  My mother-in-law's suffering (God bless her) was connected to my happiness, etc.
So now I'm learning to look at Bill's death and my own suffering as part of our children's stories, etc, etc.   Life is so much more meaningful this way.
AND............I am choosing to believe that life DOES continue after death.   I think that everybody somehow has a fundamental intuition that there is more....out there.   maybe that intuition is God's gift to us.   Hope?!
Suppose Bill comes running to greet me first thing when I die!!    It makes me want to sing!   
 
 

Replies

swindy
swindy

I truly believe that our spouses are the first to greet us at heavens gate. What a wonderful time of the year to realize that. Diane
wanda61
wanda61

Hi, my name is Wanda and I am so happy that you are beginning to see some light. I am so sorry for your husbands suffering. I have no answers for that one. To tell you the truth that is my worse fear for my husband. Our Lord promises never to leave us nor forsake us. I expect God was there with you during that time or it would have been impossible to bear. The death process can be cruel and long or in some cases short and sweet. We don\'t get to choose do we? I am a Christian and that is what keeps me sane in an uncertain world. Yes, our loved ones will be waiting on us!!
AND WE WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF GOD FOREVER. Merry Christmas, Wanda ( I will come down form the pulpit now)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Good for YOU! I feel the same way. I hated the suffering my husband had to endure, but I learned so much during that time. And he touched so many people. I was overwhelmed to learn that he had been an inspiration to many around him. Neither he nor I doubted our faith during his illness. We both accepted that God has a plan. I still don\'t doubt but have found myself reevaluating. But the problem is not really with my faith or belief but with organized religion. Haven\'t quite figured out if and how it will fit into my life now. I am sure God will show me that too.
Merry Christmas to you and yours,
Angie
janalM
janalM

When my husband died of a sudden heart attack, the minister at the hospital told me to be mad at God if I wanted, because he could take it. He said not to be angry with my husband, because he didn\'t want to leave, God called him home. So for a long time I was angry at God. But then a voice a feeling overcame me and I found peace. He had been with me the whole time silently teaching me to trust and love him again. I am glad that you have had the glimmer of light and how wonderful at this time of year when he gave us his belived son. May God bless you this week end. Hugs Jane
deleted_user
deleted_user

I also get your anger at God and share it. I prayed for Jesse to go quickly and peacefully once we knew he would not make it and that is not what happened. It was the most horrible experience of my life and I am still very angry at God over a year later. I don\'t know if it will ever ease, but I just keep pushing on with my life.
Hugs to you!
icezam19
icezam19

It helps me to know that others are struggling with the \"manner of death\" that their husbands suffered. I\'ve been reading a lot of grief books and rarely do they discuss this lingering horror from watching intense suffering. I am getting a bit better as I now realize how thankful I am for the precious years we had. I was so lucky and proud to be Bill\'s wife.
deleted_user
deleted_user

i am always happy to see positive journals, they do send messages of hope to all of here.
thanks so much for sharing
hugs
judi