God......hope.....
Every day of this grief process is different. All the days have been excruciating in some way or another but I am noticing that my heart pain is changing.................. and my faith is coming back. You see, I was very angry at God because of Bill's horrible suffering. He was unable to metabolize the pain medicines because his digestive system was so compromised by the cancer. Doctor told me that his pain was just like being in a vice.....tightening every day. It was awful. Just awful.
So I questioned God's existence. IF there is a God, how could he allow this? I seriously went through a long dark night of the soul. Where there are no answers. Only questions. Where there is no hope. Only despair. Where there is no light. Only dark. Where there is no reason for anything.
(As CS Lewis wrote...."no one ever told me that grief feel so much like fear.")
I am just now peaking my head out of the darkness. I saw a twinge of light one week ago.
I am thinking that on Christmas, hope was born.
And I am starting to understand that we are each a small part of a much bigger story. A story of humanity that began in the garden of Eden.
It's not "all about me." (That is such a hopeless thought)! Each life affects others in so many ways and that is how we are linked together. Fear and suffering etc., is what makes us......us. And it touches others down the line.
My husband's mother was widowed at age 33 with 3 little boys. (My husband was the oldest at 12 yrs). How horrible. But that sad experience was part of what "made Bill....Bill." And that's the wonderful guy I fell in love with! My mother-in-law's suffering (God bless her) was connected to my happiness, etc.
So now I'm learning to look at Bill's death and my own suffering as part of our children's stories, etc, etc. Life is so much more meaningful this way.
AND............I am choosing to believe that life DOES continue after death. I think that everybody somehow has a fundamental intuition that there is more....out there. maybe that intuition is God's gift to us. Hope?!
Suppose Bill comes running to greet me first thing when I die!! It makes me want to sing!
So I questioned God's existence. IF there is a God, how could he allow this? I seriously went through a long dark night of the soul. Where there are no answers. Only questions. Where there is no hope. Only despair. Where there is no light. Only dark. Where there is no reason for anything.
(As CS Lewis wrote...."no one ever told me that grief feel so much like fear.")
I am just now peaking my head out of the darkness. I saw a twinge of light one week ago.
I am thinking that on Christmas, hope was born.
And I am starting to understand that we are each a small part of a much bigger story. A story of humanity that began in the garden of Eden.
It's not "all about me." (That is such a hopeless thought)! Each life affects others in so many ways and that is how we are linked together. Fear and suffering etc., is what makes us......us. And it touches others down the line.
My husband's mother was widowed at age 33 with 3 little boys. (My husband was the oldest at 12 yrs). How horrible. But that sad experience was part of what "made Bill....Bill." And that's the wonderful guy I fell in love with! My mother-in-law's suffering (God bless her) was connected to my happiness, etc.
So now I'm learning to look at Bill's death and my own suffering as part of our children's stories, etc, etc. Life is so much more meaningful this way.
AND............I am choosing to believe that life DOES continue after death. I think that everybody somehow has a fundamental intuition that there is more....out there. maybe that intuition is God's gift to us. Hope?!
Suppose Bill comes running to greet me first thing when I die!! It makes me want to sing!
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