God help me
I'm sitting here so broken hearted tonight. I've been here taking care of my dad since my mom passed away and I have some pretty bad issues of my own that have kept me from working. I'm going through some very drastic medication changes that are challenging all by themselves, but I was told tonight that I needed to look for a place to move. I can't believe I've lost my whole family and I suppose I'm homeless too. I don't know when I've ever felt so alone and so completely broken hearted. I beg you please, say a prayer for me.
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I am holding you in the light and sending you many positive vibes and energy. I hope this transition in medication is worthwhile! And I hope the other changes you will make in your life will go smoothly as possible. Why can\'t you live with your dad? Is that who told you to find your own space? I\'m so sorry clajo. Please keep posting and journaling and finding solace here!
Big hugs, -SK
Thank you so much for commenting spacekat. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. My dad has demenia, BUT my Dad has ALWAYS been an ass of a man. He was emotionally and verbally abusive to my Mom, Literally until the day she died, and I\'m just like my Mom, so I guess I make a pretty good victim as well. My dad is hugely nassicistic and even working all dad everyday to please him, put down are always expected and being told how you\'ve ruined his life. He did the same to Mom. My brother, although he used to get some of this too, somewhere along the line has became my dad and his wife....my mom (who plays the roll of mama bear even though she gets bad treatment too. SO...I\'m bipolar...Right? So guess what, every now and then I get my belly full and spout off to him, in between moments of kissing his butt, cooking his meals, and washing his shorts. But my brother comes around for about 30 minutes once a week, and dad\'s \"Funny Grandpaw\" and crap like that. Yeah it probably would be funny if I only had to deal with it for 30 minutes a week. But here\'s the real kicker....my dad tells them how bad I treat him, so he decides he\'s going to assisted living which they take him to see and I don\'t find out until later that I need to find a place to go and I need to do it quickly. Bottom line, my brother and his wife have tons of money, and this is how they get along with \"pawpaw\" so well, because during their little 30 minute visits, they can take him to five star restaraunts, and buy him $100.00 shirts and it just feeds his hugley inflated ego like you wouldn\'t believe and then he comes back home talking to me as the loser in the family, so they\'be told me I need to leave, so I\'m working on that and as I\'m feeling pretty good about it, Dad comes to me and says, (in this little child like voice) you don\'t have to go. and I just sink inside. Not out of jail yet....... My brother and his wife will not speak to me, My brother has told me that he wants nothing to do with me until I get \"cured\". Haha... wouldn\'t that be nice...I\'ve been hoping for that for 53 years. Anyhow, I guess I\'ll play along, but as soon as I can find a way out, I\'m taking it. I can NOT bare to hear about my poor dad, suffering with deminia any longer. EVERYONE takes up for him and speaks on his behalf....but here\'s the deal, my dad has not always had deminia, but he has always been an ass. Like most good little narsisist he has kept me stomped into the ground to bring himself up. And, as far as I can see, I\'m working on sainthood, by even breathing the same air as he does, and I know my poor Mom was a saint. Two days before she died of pancreadic cancer, her was standing in the den shaking his finger in her face, and she was so so sick, so she pushed him. And what did she do....She comes running back to my room uncontrolably crying....not that he had hurt her feelings.....but that she did this horribly thing by pushing him. She had every right to push him and more. Sorry spacekat, all this to say, I have no family and I have no home. At any minute they could walk in the door and say we want you out. My brother is very in love with the almighty dollar and he would love to have me and dad gone so he can cash in. He took my dad to the bank and had everything put in his name in only a coupl of days of my Moms death. For me....even with out all that I\'ve mentioned....I\'m totally exhausted. I have thought about suicide this week more than I ever have in my life. I\'m diabetic and I have completely stopped taking my insulin and eating anything and everything I want. My new pdoc after our 3rd visit has said she wants me to loose weight and she\'s going to work with me on that. Here I\'m thinking.... Really? As unstable as I am and you think I just need to loose weight? So fine, without insulin I should drop alot of weight and when I dye....well, just a capp shoot. I\'m just so tired.... I just can\'t take anymore. I\'m so sorry....thank you for asking.