god help me.. i am broken
I took on another job. I keep taking on part time jobs and end up quitting very quickly. This job was as a sub teacher for a middle school. This day was horrible. I could not get the kids to sit and listen to save my life. The day ended with me completely losing my cool and slamming my hands on a desk and screaming at them to get in their seats and quiet down. I had no control of the class the entire day. I dont know if it was them or me. These were middle school kids. They were all over the place, running inthe halls, fighting, tearing up the room, most of them could not even spell their own name on their papers.
I came home defeated. My landlord wanted rent, i didnt have it, my girlfriend said i am not loving myself so this is happening... uuuuuugh. I dont need that at all.
I want to literally just die at this point. I feel useless, I play music the rest of the week, but these places pay so slow.. if at all. I never have any money, need glasses and cant afford them. I really see no reason to even be on this world any longer. I feel i have nothing to offer.
Replies
I'm sorry you had a rough day.
Try to think of some happy, positive things. How are your kids doing? Do you have plans to move closer to them? I know before you were talking about wanting to be near them.... maybe the rent is cheaper where they are?
Tomorrow will be a better day. Keep writing it out. Write down some plans, some things you could do to help yourself. I make "to do lists" every single night, for the next day. Things that I need to accomplish, calls I need to make, things I have to do..... and it's a good sense of accomplishment to check off things on my To Do list.
Maybe the teaching isn't for you. Can you look for some other kind of part time work..... there are lots of things out there, actually..... all kinds of jobs, maybe take a look?
Anyway, just suggestions...... I hope you feel better soon!
Thank you so much. Yes.. I do want to move back near my kids. But i have not even had enough money to buy tired to get back or gas. I feel ive been trapped here. I thought if i sub teach i could move this up north.. but after today, i am not sure. I really am just not sure how to even set up a plan. I feel lost.
let me sleep on this and journal ideas.. to get back home. I miss my kids so much. and here nothing has been working. I am always calling up and threatening businesses to pay me for the gigs i play.
thank you so much