Gloom

I wrote en entry several days ago.  I poured out my heart and it was lengthy.   I thought I posted it and it did not appear.  I will attempt another post.  I really need to have something to look at to keep my spirits up during this tough time.  I am finally going through the process of a divorce.  I have been wanting to leave my husband for the last 16 years but never found the strength or the courage.  I am sad and mad for waiting that long.  We have built up good memories but boy those bad times were tough.  My aunt had a stroke 3 years ago and we were very close.  At that time, I evaluated my life and knew I was not happy.  When I told my husband I wanted a divorce, he had been contemplating the same thing.    It will be amicable and uncontested.  We have no children.  I will be 50 this year and he is 55.  I meet with an attorney on Monday for working up the papers.  I am just having a hard time with the roller coaster of emotions.  THere was another person that entered my life about three months ago.  He backed away from me the same day I received his valentine card in the mail.  What a blow.  I think it hurt worse than the divorce itself.  We were just friends and chatted a lot on Face book.  It blossomed into something more and he realized that he should not be with a married woman.  Heck of a time to gain a conscience but he is right for backing away.  We had grown so much enamored of each other and it was love at first sight.  We talked about spending our lives together forever after the divorce.  That is why it hurt so bad.  My reaction to him wanting to back off caught me off guard.  I was reeling and trying to comprehend what was happening and it made me look unstable in his eyes.  He has chronic fatigue Immune deficiency syndrome and what ever gives him stress causes him a lot of fatigue.  He said he couldn't handle the drama.  For me, I can't handle a man that is weak like that.  But I still think the world of him.  I am hoping that he will still want to be with me when my divorce is final in a few months. 
I know he loves me still as per our convictions to each other over those last 3 months.  Some times and especially as older divorced people, you kind of know when it feels like the right thing or the right person.  It was best for what he did and I know that my emotional roller coaster will have to run a little bit more before I can be of any value to myself or to this other person for a healthy new relationship.  I have to work out the kinks of this divorce and focus on rebuilding my life. 
Some people have said I should go out and find something new to do like a hobby to distract myself.  Honestly, my life has been so fulfilling and busy and unique and such an adventure that by the age of 50, I am not looking to start any new interest.  I just want to focus on my health and maybe write a book or start a blog about my weight loss journey.  I have just lost 120 pounds in 10 months and I have gained a lot of wisdom and knowledge along the way and I want to share it with others so they too can be successful.  I have done my traveling and owning a small business and achieving many goals set out to do.
So that is a bit of my story so far.  I am quickly typing this as my work day is done.  I needed to put this all down as I am being distracted in doing so.  I also need to be able to read this for myself on my tough days ahead.
I established a storage unit yesterday and started to put things in it.  I don't think it is big enough though for all the items I accumulated living in my home for 17 years.