giving this journal thing a go

So I am really not sure what to write. A friend at work said I should try writing a blog to help get my feelings out. Apparently I am really good with words according to her. Things have been really horrible lately. The depression is getting worse and I have been self harming more frequently. I guess the good news is summer is over so I can wear long sleeves to cover up the damage to my arm without too many questions. The worse thing, worse than the self ham for me, is the suicidal thoughts. I think about it every day. I have gone over plans in my head, scouted out places to die and have a large bottle full off crushed up anti depressants, blood thinners and painkillers hidden at my work desk. I do feel like I am eventually going to do it. I keep setting little goals for myself to get to so I have a reason not to do it. Currently I am working towards making it to my sons birthday on the 13th as I don't want his day associated with me killing myself. Once I get past that I will set another reason to hold on. I feel so terrible and guilty having these thoughts when I should be concentrating on my kids. It makes no logical sense to be feeling suicidal but I feel like I am drowning in my emotions and just hanging on to life.