Giving myself Permission to Have A New LIFE......

During the past 7 months I have heard alot of the same words over and over again. Positive words like Stength, Healing, Friendship, Love, Faith, Beautiful, Kindness, Compassion, and of course Forgiveness. As well as the Negative words like, Anger, Hate, Ugly, Stupid, Cheater, Pain, Sadness, Crying, Sickness, and Death. One word that I still struggle with is GUILT!!!! I have heard from my DS friends, my girlfriends, and family and my Therapist about this tremendous GUILT and how I carry it with me always.
Not to discount alot of my wonderful Guy friends here on DS but as Women I think we are Naturally inclined to shoulder the burden of EVERYTHING it's in our  " Caregiver or Nuturing 'Roles we are born into. Some Women like Me it actually DEFINES who we are. I mean who am I if i'm not someone's Wife or someone's Mother to take care of them. I have been really doing some soul searching about why EVERYONE keeps telling me to let go of the GUILT I feel and let it go. At first I thought " What the HELL do I have to be GUILTY about?" I'm not the one who ditched out like a little BITCH in the middle of the day while we were all gone. I'm not the one who traded Home and Family for Bars and Skanks. So what the HELL do I have to be guilty about????????
So I thought some more and began writing it down and before I knew it the answer slowly started to reveal it's self to me. I do have GUILT in the form of " What else could I have done?" It seems like for ever I have been branded " SUPER MOM AND SUPER WIFE " I did it ALL!!!!! SO WHY DID I FAIL? I NEVER FAILED AT MY FAMILY EVER!!! Why wasn't I good enough? How could I have been better to Save my marriage and family? I have been carrying this all on MY SHOULDERS. At first I blamed it on my " SELF ESTEEM" or lack there of. Then I thought it was " SELF PITY" or simply feeling sorry for myself. I realized today that it wasn't just those things causing me not to be able to move past this place. I'm not moved on i'm not all healed i'm not better but i'm not worse. I'm just here in BLAH BLAH LAND...............
I believe it is GUILT!!! Not just GUILT over why I couldn't change or fix  in the past or save my marriage but GUILT over actually daring to have a LIFE AND DREAMS WITHOUT HIM. See when you spend over half your life with someone ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS AND GOALS FOR YOUR FUTURE ARE WRAPPED UP IN HIM. All of us asked ourselves Can I have a LIFE without him? Do I dare to have DREAMS AGAIN when all my DREAMS included him? It's so wierd these feelings I realized today that I AM ACTUALLY FEELING GUILTY BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO SEE A WHOLE NEW FUTURE UNFOLD FOR ME AND MY KIDS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. I have been going to school over the summer also to receive my Music Certification by early fall. The possibilities that wil be opened up to me will grow 20X now. I already have 2 Charter schools and 3 preschools who want me on their staff for Music next year.
I just can't BELIEVE it myself still. Sometimes I catch myself saying " Man I wish he was here to see the change in me and what i'm doing now" Like a catch 22 if he were still here I wouldn't have done any of this because everything was always centered around him. Funny now that he's gone I think I have become a stronger, independant, more self assured woman that he would actually have more RESPECT FOR. I made a promise to myself today that it's OK for me to DREAM WITHOUT HIM, IT'S OK FOR ME TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE WITHOUT HIM. I AM LETTING GO OF MY GUILT FOR THE PAST AND FOR MY FUTURE AND GIVE MY SELF PERMISSION TO GO OUT AND MAKE IT A GREAT LIFE............................................................................................................................
One more note as far as the questions I was continually asking myself about what I could have different? Or what could I have changed so he wouldn't leave........THE ANSWER IS NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE I WASN'T THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM AND I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS STUPID CHOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The best thing for ME to do to show him how STUPID HIS CHOICE WAS IS TO GO OUT AND HAVE THE BEST LIFE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!