Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Today was another lazy day. I slept in, and I talked to my friend that I was supposed to hang out with tonight. His car is broken, so he's rescheduling for tomorrow. I've just been exhausted lately, so I'm not going to go see my Nana again tomorrow. I don't want to get up there and then all I do is sleep. I'm just so tired and I don't know why. I think it's because I overslept the other night and then it's just the after-effects. I woke up fully awake at 5am this morning, and that sucked. I had to take another klonopin to get myself back to sleep. I don't know what I would have done at 5am. I know when I go to the airport I need to be up earlier than that, but that's not for over a week. I'm trying not to worry about it too much. I called another friend of mine last night, Vanessa, to tell her I was in town but she hasn't called me back yet. She was one of the people I really wanted to see, so it sucks that I haven't heard back from her. I guess she still has time. I have to email my friend Nick to see what he's up to and what side of the world he's on... last time I talked to him he was in Germany and had been there for months with work. It sucks if I don't get to see him while I'm here.
I saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo today, the Swedish version. I'm glad I didn't see the American version in the theater... there were graphic rape scenes that were too much for me. I had to fast forward past them, and even then just knowing that they were going on was hard. I was abused when I was younger, and so I can't tolerate stuff like that without getting flashbacks. I'm surprised they haven't started yet.. maybe they are just waiting for me to call Geo so I can break down properly. I can't break down in front of my stepdad since he doesn't know about the abuse. Nobody in my family does. I think it's because I don't think that they would believe me in part. I know that's just me being guilty, but it comes with the territory. It's something I'm working on in therapy. Or at least I was working on it. I had made some great progress, and I think the fact that I'm not a sobbing mess right now means that I'm doing better than I was a couple years ago.
I don't know what I'm going to tell my stepdad on why I don't want to see it in the theater. I just can't stand to sit next to a man while watching the rape scenes, listening to their heavy breathing and not freak out. I almost freaked out in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close when the guy next to me started wheezing. I don't remember the guy that raped me wheezing, but just the sound of a man being that close is hard. This is why I don't do well in public around a lot of people. There's always something to trigger me. I'm much better than I was years ago.. about 10 years ago I couldn't even leave my house because of the fear of others and space. I got over it with time and work, and my psych at the time helped me. He would meet with me over the phone at first since I couldn't make it to his office. I have never been able to drive, so I would have had to take the bus there and that was impossible in my mind. I'm glad I've gotten over that. I know I can get over the assault as well as long as I keep working on it. It's only as hard as I make it.
Because of that, my mood today is just okay. I would say bad, but I really don't feel bad. I felt like crap when I was watching the movie, but when the bad parts were over I got lost back in the movie and forgot about the bad parts. Overall it was a good movie, and if you don't mind graphic rape and murder scenes I would recommend it. But I know most of the people here on DS are struggling with some form of abusive past, so I wouldn't be surprised if nobody sees it or stays away from it because of what I wrote. I don't know if I would have seen it if I had known. I think I might have, the way I did on Amazon Prime, where you can fast-forward the bad parts.
Food today was good... I was low on calories again. I'm low on protein, but I've been eating a ton of it lately so it's not that big of a deal. I think I do better on calories when I stay home rather than go out. I have to see what time my friend wants to hang out tomorrow to see if I'm going to be doing dinner with him or just going out for tea. I hear it's going to be warmer tomorrow, which is good. It's been so cold here I just want to stay inside. I did do some of my strength training today at least, which is good. Sleep last night was good, just didn't feel like enough. Stress today was high with the movie.
I saw The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo today, the Swedish version. I'm glad I didn't see the American version in the theater... there were graphic rape scenes that were too much for me. I had to fast forward past them, and even then just knowing that they were going on was hard. I was abused when I was younger, and so I can't tolerate stuff like that without getting flashbacks. I'm surprised they haven't started yet.. maybe they are just waiting for me to call Geo so I can break down properly. I can't break down in front of my stepdad since he doesn't know about the abuse. Nobody in my family does. I think it's because I don't think that they would believe me in part. I know that's just me being guilty, but it comes with the territory. It's something I'm working on in therapy. Or at least I was working on it. I had made some great progress, and I think the fact that I'm not a sobbing mess right now means that I'm doing better than I was a couple years ago.
I don't know what I'm going to tell my stepdad on why I don't want to see it in the theater. I just can't stand to sit next to a man while watching the rape scenes, listening to their heavy breathing and not freak out. I almost freaked out in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close when the guy next to me started wheezing. I don't remember the guy that raped me wheezing, but just the sound of a man being that close is hard. This is why I don't do well in public around a lot of people. There's always something to trigger me. I'm much better than I was years ago.. about 10 years ago I couldn't even leave my house because of the fear of others and space. I got over it with time and work, and my psych at the time helped me. He would meet with me over the phone at first since I couldn't make it to his office. I have never been able to drive, so I would have had to take the bus there and that was impossible in my mind. I'm glad I've gotten over that. I know I can get over the assault as well as long as I keep working on it. It's only as hard as I make it.
Because of that, my mood today is just okay. I would say bad, but I really don't feel bad. I felt like crap when I was watching the movie, but when the bad parts were over I got lost back in the movie and forgot about the bad parts. Overall it was a good movie, and if you don't mind graphic rape and murder scenes I would recommend it. But I know most of the people here on DS are struggling with some form of abusive past, so I wouldn't be surprised if nobody sees it or stays away from it because of what I wrote. I don't know if I would have seen it if I had known. I think I might have, the way I did on Amazon Prime, where you can fast-forward the bad parts.
Food today was good... I was low on calories again. I'm low on protein, but I've been eating a ton of it lately so it's not that big of a deal. I think I do better on calories when I stay home rather than go out. I have to see what time my friend wants to hang out tomorrow to see if I'm going to be doing dinner with him or just going out for tea. I hear it's going to be warmer tomorrow, which is good. It's been so cold here I just want to stay inside. I did do some of my strength training today at least, which is good. Sleep last night was good, just didn't feel like enough. Stress today was high with the movie.
Replies