Gift to Myself
Yesterday was a very hard day for me, my birthday. Now I have to keep in mind that my wonderful young men were there for me, happy, positive, made me a great dinner and seemed to actually shine. But the moment my husband walked into sight, and I saw that glassy eyed, slow moving stoned man I wanted to turn and run. But we went through the motions anyway, my sons and I. Cooking and eating and gift giving and love with our ill father/husband seemingly on the outside of our celebration. I did not want a confrontation on this day and was grateful for the gifts and efforts he did contribute. I know my husband loves me and this has never been in question. I have to admit that I could not find a way past his very stoned appearance. Pretending just wouldn't come. So before you know it, he wants to know whats wrong, I beg him to just give me some space, he pretends he can't imagine why I seem upset, and our usual dance begins again. Before you know it I feel like the Dragon Lady because, of course, he has back pain and needs surgery, and I am mean and well you get the idea.
Now I am not stupid, I have been here with him too many times to count. I am also an RN since 1978, I know over medicated when I see it. The difference this time? I paid attention to my real feelings during this horrific interchange, and learned something I have been resisting a long time. I am contributing more drama to this than he is! Yes I am angry and betrayed and lied to etc. blah, blah, blah. But I am sick of myself.
I have tried 12 steps: too confusing for me.
But I am certainly CODEPENDENT. Once admitted, almost freeing. So now I paid even more attention to my actions and what was driving them......craziness, no rhyme or reason, completely irrational. What ME? Yes, ME. so now I have committed myself to the detachment approach. I have tried everything else and does not work. next step is to find a support group or therapist where i will get what I (really) need. Today I start some hard work of self examination and self control and self forgiveness.
Now I am not stupid, I have been here with him too many times to count. I am also an RN since 1978, I know over medicated when I see it. The difference this time? I paid attention to my real feelings during this horrific interchange, and learned something I have been resisting a long time. I am contributing more drama to this than he is! Yes I am angry and betrayed and lied to etc. blah, blah, blah. But I am sick of myself.
I have tried 12 steps: too confusing for me.
But I am certainly CODEPENDENT. Once admitted, almost freeing. So now I paid even more attention to my actions and what was driving them......craziness, no rhyme or reason, completely irrational. What ME? Yes, ME. so now I have committed myself to the detachment approach. I have tried everything else and does not work. next step is to find a support group or therapist where i will get what I (really) need. Today I start some hard work of self examination and self control and self forgiveness.
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