Giant Sponge of Need

Up most of the night last night.  The comments on my last journal post were what I needed to hear.  I know I need to snap myself out of this.
I feel like a giant sponge of need - like no matter how much I get, it's never enough.  I was not like this before the A.  Before the A, I was self sufficient and relatively self contained.  I got lonely - very lonely - and I'd feel sad and discontented with how things were, but I'd find ways of dealing with it.  Now?  It's just never enough.  Nothing is.  I'm not.
That's the issue, I think.  I'm not enough.  I wasn't enough to keep H content.  I wasn't enough to keep him faithful.  I wasn't enough for him to be the sort of spouse I wanted/needed.  I wasn't enough for him to invest in counseling *BEFORE* the A, even though I begged him to go.  (I guess, to be fair, he did go twice, but then backed out and told me that if *I* had a problem, then by all means *I* should go, but that he was fine and it wasn't worthwhile for him.)
Things were going well for awhile.  He was calling every night.  EVERY night.  We were spending time together regularly.  He'd get up early sometimes and I'd meet him at work sometimes so that we could invest a little extra time in our relationship.  I was finding ways of coping with my grief and anger.  Now, it's like all of our progress was washed away and we're back where we were before the A - only worse because I'm now dealing with the stew of emotions that go along with that.
Tonight I started getting insecure.  His phone GPS wasn't working properly and I couldn't tell where he was and it was bugging me.  I decided it was silly to sit and dwell on it and get myself worked up when I could just drop him a text.  He immediately called me - which is exactly what I'd want him to do.  We spoke very briefly, then he had to go back to work.  It was just a moment, but it really helped alleviate some fears.  Except: now he hasn't called me at our *usual* time for our *usual* conversation length of time.  Things get insanely busy and there are times when he can't break away to call.  I get it.  I also get that's beyond his control.  So I waited.  And waited.  And then it all started boiling up inside me.
Here's the thing - I get that I'm doing this to myself.  Logically, anyway.  But I'm such an emotional based person I don't know how to let logic take over and drive for awhile.  I KNOW (as much as anyone can know) that he's not doing anything, not going anywhere, not conducting himself in an inappropriate way, and yet I'm beside myself because he hasn't called when he "should" have called.
I've decided that a huge part of this is likely because I'm staying up way too late and when I get tired I'm like a fussy kid - nothing can calm me down or make me see reason.  H had most of December off and so it slipped my mind that in November I had asked him to try to call me earlier because I just couldn't stay up as late as necessary for our regular calls.  I guess he's forgotten, too.  In November, I was sick and just could *not* stay awake, but now it's really just that I *should* not stay awake this late.
At any rate, I finally got a text saying that he was on his way to something big and that he'd call after he was done.  Right.  So.  It's 11:30 now, he's just on his way to deal with things, which means there's no way he'll call before 1am - probably later.  And honestly, he'll likely forget that he said he'd call and won't remember until 2 or 3am at which point he'll just send a text and say, "Oops sorry."  So no call.  No big deal, right?  I should just be glad I know at 11:30 and can just go to bed and skip it for tonight. 
Except I can't.  I feel like this is a huge betrayal.  I feel like he's broken the rules and therefore must not love me.  (Emotionally.  Logically, I know I'm overreacting.)  I hate having this dual side.  I hate knowing that I'm taking this too far and yet not being able to figure out a way to slow down the emotional train and set it back on course again.
I know what I need to do.  I need to take care of me.  I need to stop leaning on him for the reassurances I need.  I'm just scared that if I stop leaning on him the way I did before, he'll stray away - like he did before.
This is no way to live.  I feel utterly destroyed.  I feel like a hollow shell compared to how I was before.  I don't know how to fill myself back up again and I don't know how to, I don't know.... I guess just let go and be present - come what may.
For now, I'm going to finish up the edge on this baby blanket I'm making and then head to bed.  If H calls between now and then, great.  I have resolved not to be an ass to him if he does call tonight because this isn't him choosing to neglect to call, this is him choosing to do his job while he's at work.  I don't know if I can resolve not to be disappointed and hurt if he doesn't call at all or tries to call after I've gone to bed.  All I can do is try, I guess.