Gifts
I've decided suddenly to spend $2,000 on a gift. A gift to someone who hates me and it's very possible he'll never know who the gift came from....
My father-in-law.
I still adore him despite the hate. They (the in-laws) blame me, you know. Blame me for taking away their son when we moved 900 miles away. Blame me for causing the X's alcoholism (which was already there back when I met the X at age 16 - it's rooted from a sexual assault when he was 7 to which the parents beat him when he told them what happened - they couldn't have that scandal in their home, you know). And they blame me for the fact that they haven't spoken to their son in close to 20 years. Truth is, it all would have happened anyways - they just needed to blame someone because they couldn't face the truth, and I am a convenient scapegoat.
Do I care? Nope. Because I know the truth and what they believe doesn't matter.
Ok, so why the gift, and why do I adore him if he hates me? Because when we first moved here, I was as close to him, no closer, than I was to my own father. There was actually a time when he came to visit, had me take him house hunting because he wanted to move here with us. But then he didn't. The whole family is like that... talk about dreams, run into the fear, turn away and then it's too late. At first, the fact that we followed our dreams was something they admired. Over time, though, it became something they resented. And they resent it because they hate themselves for letting the fear control them.
And now my father-in-law is ill. Seriously ill. He's been fighting cancer for the past 3 years, went in this week to be told he's beaten it... it's finally in remission... but then they said his heart is only working at 20%. He's been told he needs surgery, but being almost 80 years old now, he's refusing, said he's just too tired to keep on fighting...
And so my gift? I'm going to take my son, daughter-in-law (who they have never met), and great grandbaby Paige (who they've only seen through photos) on the 14 hour trip to go see them for Christmas. (my son can't fly due to health problems). We've already got it planned - once they get there, they'll spend an entire day with my in-laws. Make it a special Christmas for everyone. I'll find something else to do for the day... finish up some Christmas shopping for my parents, maybe go biking in the forest in the snow...
I've been debating non-stop since we decided this yesterday about just sending them on their own, but I know that's not doable. My son has never driven in the cities - even I have gotten lost going back and I grew up there and they would arrive in the dark where I already know the street signs are not great, in some cases, non-existent. So now comes the difficult part of planning - time off this time of year and someone to take care of my animals.
And I got news about the X. My son said the motel owner contacted him... the X has been shut inside his room for 10 days straight without leaving, and the owner asked my son to go talk to the X. He told me that when he got there, he found the X had been on a 10 day long BINGE. And the people he's been surrounding himself with haven't been helping him... they cut his hair so parts are bald, parts are long, he's started growing a beard, but it's in patches.... my son said the X looks like he just got out of prison (or crawled out from under a rock in the forest). He had a long sit-down with the X, gave an ultimatum. Told him that in-house rehab HAD to be done. They agreed that the X was to meet my son this week, go to the doctor together see how much damage has been done from the drinking, and to check into the facility. And he's already blown off the doctor's appointment - refuses to set it up - and blown off our son - shut himself inside again.... My son is really beginning to feel the pain from the alcoholism and I think he needs this trip most of all...
So no matter what, it's a gift for everyone.... for my father-in-law for the reasons I mentioned above... for my son who desperately wants to try to see his grandpa one last time, and for me because the blessings I get in the giving are so much better than anything else I could receive...
LATER!
My father-in-law.
I still adore him despite the hate. They (the in-laws) blame me, you know. Blame me for taking away their son when we moved 900 miles away. Blame me for causing the X's alcoholism (which was already there back when I met the X at age 16 - it's rooted from a sexual assault when he was 7 to which the parents beat him when he told them what happened - they couldn't have that scandal in their home, you know). And they blame me for the fact that they haven't spoken to their son in close to 20 years. Truth is, it all would have happened anyways - they just needed to blame someone because they couldn't face the truth, and I am a convenient scapegoat.
Do I care? Nope. Because I know the truth and what they believe doesn't matter.
Ok, so why the gift, and why do I adore him if he hates me? Because when we first moved here, I was as close to him, no closer, than I was to my own father. There was actually a time when he came to visit, had me take him house hunting because he wanted to move here with us. But then he didn't. The whole family is like that... talk about dreams, run into the fear, turn away and then it's too late. At first, the fact that we followed our dreams was something they admired. Over time, though, it became something they resented. And they resent it because they hate themselves for letting the fear control them.
And now my father-in-law is ill. Seriously ill. He's been fighting cancer for the past 3 years, went in this week to be told he's beaten it... it's finally in remission... but then they said his heart is only working at 20%. He's been told he needs surgery, but being almost 80 years old now, he's refusing, said he's just too tired to keep on fighting...
And so my gift? I'm going to take my son, daughter-in-law (who they have never met), and great grandbaby Paige (who they've only seen through photos) on the 14 hour trip to go see them for Christmas. (my son can't fly due to health problems). We've already got it planned - once they get there, they'll spend an entire day with my in-laws. Make it a special Christmas for everyone. I'll find something else to do for the day... finish up some Christmas shopping for my parents, maybe go biking in the forest in the snow...
I've been debating non-stop since we decided this yesterday about just sending them on their own, but I know that's not doable. My son has never driven in the cities - even I have gotten lost going back and I grew up there and they would arrive in the dark where I already know the street signs are not great, in some cases, non-existent. So now comes the difficult part of planning - time off this time of year and someone to take care of my animals.
And I got news about the X. My son said the motel owner contacted him... the X has been shut inside his room for 10 days straight without leaving, and the owner asked my son to go talk to the X. He told me that when he got there, he found the X had been on a 10 day long BINGE. And the people he's been surrounding himself with haven't been helping him... they cut his hair so parts are bald, parts are long, he's started growing a beard, but it's in patches.... my son said the X looks like he just got out of prison (or crawled out from under a rock in the forest). He had a long sit-down with the X, gave an ultimatum. Told him that in-house rehab HAD to be done. They agreed that the X was to meet my son this week, go to the doctor together see how much damage has been done from the drinking, and to check into the facility. And he's already blown off the doctor's appointment - refuses to set it up - and blown off our son - shut himself inside again.... My son is really beginning to feel the pain from the alcoholism and I think he needs this trip most of all...
So no matter what, it's a gift for everyone.... for my father-in-law for the reasons I mentioned above... for my son who desperately wants to try to see his grandpa one last time, and for me because the blessings I get in the giving are so much better than anything else I could receive...
LATER!
Replies
Wow what an incredible and selfless gift. I hope you manage to organize the logistics to make this happen.
If it wasn\'t over Christmas I would offer to come and housesit for you and take care of your animals, but this is my eldest son\'s last Christmas here before he moves to Brazil to join his wife, so I cannot miss being here for Christmas together with all my kids.
Why don\'t you see if there is someone else who would like a change of scenery and do a house swop for you, somewhat like in the movie \"the Holiday\".
I would have loved a break away, but as I say just not over Christmas.
Your gift is selfless and a beautiful thing. I hope your father-in-law is well enough to appreciate this outpouring of love and caring.
As to your X, I would say let him rot. You are no longer responsible for him. If he hasn\'t reached rock bottom YET, he\'s not ready for rehab.
Hang in there, my dear. You are doing well. And it just gets better with time.
I am really amazed. Wow, what an incredible heart you have. God bless you!