Getting to the point of understanding
Emily Brown, director of Key Bridge Therapy & Mediation Center in Arlington, Virginia and author of Affairs: A Guide to Working Through the Repercussions of Infidelity, has identified what she says are 5 types of affairs. I see myself in three of the five.
The conflict avoidance affair The intimacy avoidance affair The spilt-self affair
A conflict avoider is usually a nice person. In fact he or she might be what could be said to be too nice. Typically related to fear of abandonment or loss of the family, home or even the spouse, these people tend to avoid discussion of much of anything that could cause any kind of controversy. They will refrain from discussing the hard topics and allow things to build up over time.
As problems pile one on top of another and conflicts that are never resolved loom in their minds, these people will gravitate toward the idyllic world of fantasy that can result in an affair. The affair is a way to escape the real and every day problems of family life and a way to become someone they are not in real life without ever having to face the real problems they have.
An intimacy avoider is one who is afraid to get close to their spouse. They might have issues stemming from their family background or be living in fear that if they were really known for who and what they are they would be abandoned, erecting walls around themselves that prevent them from getting too close.
Because these folks will avoid letting anyone get into the world they remain hidden in, their marriages are often fraught with conflicts and conflict becomes a way to maintain distance and irrational boundaries that prevent intimacy. As they fight with their spouses over secrets that get revealed or simply a lack of communication they might fall into an affair as a way to escape the conflict that seems to follow them wherever they go.
The normal emotional interaction between these couples is through intense and acute conflict.They are the polar opposites of the conflict avoider.
The split-self affair is typically long term and quite passionate. The people who fall into this kind of affair are usually those who have really tried to work on their marriage. Both spouses have sacrificed for each other, for the good of the marriage and for family, friends, jobs or other "worthy" causes. As the deprivation catches up with them they have an affair as a way to balance things out.
Either spouse can have an affair in this type of self-sacrificial relationship but the one having the affair often struggles with the continuing of the affair but avoids looking at the inner split at its root. most often it is a man who has this kind of affair but recent data indicates that might be changing. Long hidden emotions are suddenly present and overwhelming by the affair, according to Brown who said, "It wakes up their emotional self, which is why those affairs last so long and are so intense."
The conflict avoidance - Growing up with alcohol and violence in the home, family that physically fights: Yes this is me.
The intimacy avoidance - Since I prefer to be numb and indifferent when I cannot change my mate to meet what I think are my needs I tend to be very surface. But long for a deep connection and feel hopeless: Yes this is me.
The split-self - Long term: Yes ; Passionate: Yes, on my part ; Waking up my emotional self: Yes - Which is why I suppose is the reason I have trouble with the NC thing. It is like needing that quick shot of adrenaline of emotion to make me feel alive, if only for a moment in time just every now and then. I get that from just seeing OM's face - even a pic will do, or hearing his voice, or seeing his name or nearly anything relevant to him. I am just now learning that is chemicals my body is releasing because I am an addict; I am/was addicted to him, how he made me feel. I have always known I was addicted to him. I just did not realize it was a real thing in the psychotherapy world. Isn't it weird how things can be one-sided, but my mind convinces myself it is not. I know he is a player with his own issues. I know that his number one motive is self-pleasure. I know that he is addicted to many things: sex, alcohol, drugs. I know it meant absolutely nothing to him. But my mind to this day wants to convince myself differently. Is it only me ego? Does anyone else feel that way too?
The conflict avoidance affair The intimacy avoidance affair The spilt-self affair
A conflict avoider is usually a nice person. In fact he or she might be what could be said to be too nice. Typically related to fear of abandonment or loss of the family, home or even the spouse, these people tend to avoid discussion of much of anything that could cause any kind of controversy. They will refrain from discussing the hard topics and allow things to build up over time.
As problems pile one on top of another and conflicts that are never resolved loom in their minds, these people will gravitate toward the idyllic world of fantasy that can result in an affair. The affair is a way to escape the real and every day problems of family life and a way to become someone they are not in real life without ever having to face the real problems they have.
An intimacy avoider is one who is afraid to get close to their spouse. They might have issues stemming from their family background or be living in fear that if they were really known for who and what they are they would be abandoned, erecting walls around themselves that prevent them from getting too close.
Because these folks will avoid letting anyone get into the world they remain hidden in, their marriages are often fraught with conflicts and conflict becomes a way to maintain distance and irrational boundaries that prevent intimacy. As they fight with their spouses over secrets that get revealed or simply a lack of communication they might fall into an affair as a way to escape the conflict that seems to follow them wherever they go.
The normal emotional interaction between these couples is through intense and acute conflict.They are the polar opposites of the conflict avoider.
The split-self affair is typically long term and quite passionate. The people who fall into this kind of affair are usually those who have really tried to work on their marriage. Both spouses have sacrificed for each other, for the good of the marriage and for family, friends, jobs or other "worthy" causes. As the deprivation catches up with them they have an affair as a way to balance things out.
Either spouse can have an affair in this type of self-sacrificial relationship but the one having the affair often struggles with the continuing of the affair but avoids looking at the inner split at its root. most often it is a man who has this kind of affair but recent data indicates that might be changing. Long hidden emotions are suddenly present and overwhelming by the affair, according to Brown who said, "It wakes up their emotional self, which is why those affairs last so long and are so intense."
The conflict avoidance - Growing up with alcohol and violence in the home, family that physically fights: Yes this is me.
The intimacy avoidance - Since I prefer to be numb and indifferent when I cannot change my mate to meet what I think are my needs I tend to be very surface. But long for a deep connection and feel hopeless: Yes this is me.
The split-self - Long term: Yes ; Passionate: Yes, on my part ; Waking up my emotional self: Yes - Which is why I suppose is the reason I have trouble with the NC thing. It is like needing that quick shot of adrenaline of emotion to make me feel alive, if only for a moment in time just every now and then. I get that from just seeing OM's face - even a pic will do, or hearing his voice, or seeing his name or nearly anything relevant to him. I am just now learning that is chemicals my body is releasing because I am an addict; I am/was addicted to him, how he made me feel. I have always known I was addicted to him. I just did not realize it was a real thing in the psychotherapy world. Isn't it weird how things can be one-sided, but my mind convinces myself it is not. I know he is a player with his own issues. I know that his number one motive is self-pleasure. I know that he is addicted to many things: sex, alcohol, drugs. I know it meant absolutely nothing to him. But my mind to this day wants to convince myself differently. Is it only me ego? Does anyone else feel that way too?
Replies
Great info. Thank you for sharing that with us. When I understand myself better, I am able to deal with the situation and my emotions better. I am the spit-self for sure. My AP has to be as well.
I have done a lot of reading and self-analysis to try to figure out why I do what I do and put up with what I do. For me, it\'s an addiction to that small moment of relief when he contacts me. Before he texts or calls I\'m in agony waiting and over thinking everything, making myself miserable. Then the moment of relief when he calls/texts. It\'s addictive.
I am working on my self-esteem. I think it\'s the core of why we put up with what we do in trade for the addiction. I\'m getting better and better the more I understand. This helps. Thank you.