Getting through the Holidays Can Be Difficult
Friday, November 28, 2008 – 6:25 P.M. I have not enjoyed the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays since I was a child. No matter how many years have passed, I cannot seem to forget that my father died shortly before Thanksgiving, and my mother passed away ten days before Christmas. The fact that I lost both my parents during the holidays has seemingly ruined the joy that I used to have while my parents were living, even though I had problems at that time. My father passed away in 1982, and my mother in 1994. My father really enjoyed Christmas, dressing up in Christmas colors of red and green. There are times I remember my mother also getting into the spirit of Christmas, although my memories of her have dimmed throughout the years. I suspect that my brother, sister, and I each perceive the Christmas holidays in a different way. My sister acts much like a child with fun and glee. She seems to be awestruck by all of the different Christmas decorations and colorful lights. She loves to go Christmas shopping, and even though she says she will only buy one or two items a year, she always winds up with much more than that. I cannot really say how my brother celebrates the Christmas season, because I have not been around him much in recent years. I have heard that in years past, he and his family hardly ever exchanged Christmas gifts, but made donations to charities of their choice instead. I have an idea that this has changed somewhat in the last few years, because my brother now has four grandchildren. Getting through the holidays is rough for me. I never really understood the cause of that until I started getting some counseling and came to an understanding of the real meaning of a dysfunctional family. Although my sister has tried telling me that I should have gotten over the grief of losing our parents a long time ago, and that I should have put aside the memories of my abuse, I have not been able to do that. I suspect that each of us goes through these things at our own pace, and it is just taking me longer than it did for her. I doubt that anything my sister says or does will change that.
Replies
Ok, in my uneducated opinion, your sister is wrong.
You haven\'t seemed to have ACKNOWLEDGED these things in your life. Have you even really grieved your parents?
It seems you spent most of your life numbing these things.
Healthier people don\'t numb. (Of course that can go the other way too, and they splooge about it openly for the rest of their lives, but I think you know what I mean here.) Maybe more to the point, healthier people had a safe place and good grief teachers.
Not all of us had that did we, or we wouldn\'t have found each other at DS.
I have to believe (for the season\'s sake) your sister meant well, but I can\'t help thinking that it\'s about her when she says that. That you trigger HER feelings and she can\'t deal with them.
She is out of place, it\'s not for her to decide how you \'should\' handle this. She can be supportive or if she can\'t, you will just have to not talk about it with her.
One of my friends here is a former counselor/therapist. She is not a fan of the word \'should\'. I remember that era in psychotherapy too, I was in it. While I don\'t agree with the philosophy 100 per cent of the time, I do, THIS TIME.
Remember, it\'s about you Jim.
Hugs and Mojo
Weebs
I don\'t particularly enjoy the holidays either. For the most part, I ignore them except I do buy gifts for some close family members. Ignoring the holidays helps keep me sane during a crazy making time of the year.
As a current member of the \"I come from a Dysfunctional Family\" group, I agree with Weebs that although that is your sisters opinion, it is not yours, nor does it have to be. We feel how we feel, regardless of others opinions or comments.
This is a tough time of year for me too Jim, as my mothers birthday is the 15th of December. She made the holidays such a wonderful time for our family and I truly miss her at this time of year. Although I silently grieve, I carry on alot of her traditions, and that helps me through. You deal with what you can handle, based on what your past has thrown at you and you do it the best way you know how. Concentrate on those happy memories you speak of, and throw others opinions in the trash. Weebs is right....it\'s all about you.
(((Hugs)))
xoxoxo
Yah, I\'m with you there. I hate any holidays that spew the value of \'family\'. For me, Christmas is just one big reflection of how messed up our culture is. One day we be nice to each other and buy gifts? Shouldn\'t we be nice everyday?
Your sister is way further behind than you in the healing process. That is clearly evident by what she is saying to you. Anyone who has experienced grief would know that. If she had grieved properly, she would never be saying that. She\'s avoiding grief. With all her might.
Grief is a fascinating thing to me. People do the strangest things to avoid it. Denial was my way so I think I get where your sister is coming from.
Whenever I feel crappy about myself for grieving or ruminating or tackling my past, I try to remember what my therapist said to me: \"The past lives inside of us, we don\'t live in the past.\"
Until you tackle that past living inside you, how can you begin to live in the present? I feel sorry for your sister now, Jim. A little bit mad still, but mostly sympathy.
Anyone who tells you that you should forget your abusive past needs a slap. I\'m sorry she said that to you. My wish would be for you to see how far ahead you are emotionally than your siblings so that they no longer have the power to hurt you. I feel that once you realize this, you will want nothing to do with them anymore. That makes me sad for them but not for you.
I still have fantasies about holidays with my DS friends. You are always there, at the end of the table so your wheelchair can fit. You feel comfortable and supported and safe, as do I.
I hope the depression starts to lift soon, Jim. You don\'t deserve to have that stifling you. I hope you know it\'s totally normal though, considering.
Many thanks to everyone who has given me their support and encouragement. I am not just saying that, but I truly mean it.
I have begun feeling sad for both my brother and sister, because I now feel that they have as many problems as do I, only I do not think they are really working on facing up to them. I do not think that they will find very much peace and happiness in their lives until they do this. Having said that, I want to set the record straight by saying that I fully realize I still have a great number of problems to deal with. One of my main hopes is that by my brother, sister, and I all attending the family conferences together, each of us will have an opportunity to get some professional help.
I have usually enjoyed the holidays, except with with my ex husband, but this year I am feeling pretty down, now my second marriege has failed, I am really feeling alone, even with my family around, I am stuck inside myself.
I agree with Kweebs completely that your sister telling you that is really more about her than you.