Getting Started (from losinghopeelly journal)
Getting Started Sunday, February 19, 2012 | A General Update story
Weight has been an issue with me ever since puberty hit. Growing up was abusive mentally and physically. I used food when I was younger as a crutch to make me feel better, to make it so I wouldn't really say things to people that I was thinking so that I wouldn't hurt them. As my weight blossomed I began to think that no man would ever want me and I would be lucky to land someone who cared for me. Fast forward to being 21 and I landed a job in a nearby casino where I met the most wonderful man in the world. I fell in love with him at first sight but was uncertain if he would even give me a second glance because of how fat I was and at that time I was only between 225-250 lbs. After just a brief four months of knowing him we got married, he loved me after all. I embarked on a journey to lose the weight. I tried diet pills (prescription and otc), I did food restriction diets and exercise. I became so extreme in wanting to lose weight that at one time I was taking the phen/fen combination, eating only about 500-750 calories a day and exercising 6-8 hours a day. I taxed my body so bad that I ended up having a mild heart attack at only 28 years of age. It scared me to death and I didn't attempt weight loss again for a few years. In 1997 I got diagnosed with diabetes and got some very bad advice on how to manage it. Again did the diet thing again made myself so sick it wasn't funny. Every time I tried to lose weight something would come along to sabotage my efforts. Mostly deep down inside it was me. I've did atkins, deal a meal, south beach just to name a few. I have even tried to customize a diet plan with different principles from all the ones I did to no avail. After the mild heart attack I started looking into Wls and dismissed it because I found and focused on all the bad the surgery brought and none of the good. It was my excuse I wasn't ready. I think deep down inside I was scared of how people would treat me if I actually lost the weight. I was scared that the one person I had fallen in love with would no longer love me if I lost my weight. In June of 2010 I once again decided it was time to get healthy. I started going back to the doctor, started eating right, started exercising started taking meds. But I have had many setbacks. The difference these last few years and before is that I am not willing to through my hands in the air and say ok so I won't lose weight. The farther along I go the more roadblocks that I hit the more I realize the weight has to come off. In the last two years I have had to have a surgery to stop menstrual bleeding because I was bleeding to much, to repair my foot because the exercise caused problems. I have had so many coritsone shots in my back, my hips, my feet, and my knees. I cringe going to the doctor because I am so tired of shots. I'm on insulin three different kinds, metformin, blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, depression meds, meds to help me sleep, meds to help me not get headaches all the time, not to mention taking a daily vitamin and supplements that my nutritionist advises me to take. I'm tired of hurting, struggling, feeling bad. I asked God for help and I found this place so I started reading. I have read about the good, the bad and the ugly of this type of surgery. I plan on reading and knowing more. I have made the commitment to do what I need to do to have this surgery. I am well aware of the risks involved in this surgery and have used those as an excuse to not use this tool for what it was meant to do help me. I have been told that as it stands if I don't do something to lose the weight I will be in a wheel chair in a year. I have a five year old I don't want that for me or him. So after reading and reading and reading some more I came to the decision that I was going to have the surgery. I started by telling my family that I was going to move forward with doing what I had to do to have the surgery. Building my support group. Before I said nothing to anyone about it, this was something I was going to do for myself. Then I told my friends and just recently been telling my health care providers this is the road I want to take. The more people I tell the more free I feel. I have been met with so much love and support that I know I am going down the right path. When I told my husband I wanted to have the surgery he told me that he was all for it and looked forward to the day he could do something he has wanted to do since we got married 18 years ago and that is to carry my over the threshold. I didn't realize that was something he wanted and had kept from me. Since embarking on this journey this time I can actually see the future and me in a healthier state. There are risks to this surgery but the way I see it my life without this surgery is only going to get worse. My body and health cannot tolerate this weight and I've tried many times over to lose it to no avail. I have gained lots of weight since being married. But then I stopped gaining weight and found that I can't lose. The last two years its like I have hit a plateau and I can't lose weight, month after month I go to the doctor for check ups and month after month despite exercise and eating right and yet no weight comes off. The more steps I have taken towards this surgery the better I am feeling about myself. I hate the hospital and hate being sick and injured. I hate being down. I have always had a deep down fear that if I stay down to long I will never get up again and the longer I wait for this surgery the more that fear is going to come true. I am going through with this for me because I want to be healthy. I know that before I wasn't in a place that I was ready for this but I know now that I am. This is a journey for the rest of my life and I am embracing it. I turn 40 next month and maybe this little fact has had a lot to do with the decision. I just look back on my life and while I have a marriage to a great man, a beautiful little boy I'm not happy. Some of the things I am most proud of that I have done I don't practice and do to much because I just don't have the energy and when I do have the energy I hurt to bad to move. Well look out world here I come.
Weight has been an issue with me ever since puberty hit. Growing up was abusive mentally and physically. I used food when I was younger as a crutch to make me feel better, to make it so I wouldn't really say things to people that I was thinking so that I wouldn't hurt them. As my weight blossomed I began to think that no man would ever want me and I would be lucky to land someone who cared for me. Fast forward to being 21 and I landed a job in a nearby casino where I met the most wonderful man in the world. I fell in love with him at first sight but was uncertain if he would even give me a second glance because of how fat I was and at that time I was only between 225-250 lbs. After just a brief four months of knowing him we got married, he loved me after all. I embarked on a journey to lose the weight. I tried diet pills (prescription and otc), I did food restriction diets and exercise. I became so extreme in wanting to lose weight that at one time I was taking the phen/fen combination, eating only about 500-750 calories a day and exercising 6-8 hours a day. I taxed my body so bad that I ended up having a mild heart attack at only 28 years of age. It scared me to death and I didn't attempt weight loss again for a few years. In 1997 I got diagnosed with diabetes and got some very bad advice on how to manage it. Again did the diet thing again made myself so sick it wasn't funny. Every time I tried to lose weight something would come along to sabotage my efforts. Mostly deep down inside it was me. I've did atkins, deal a meal, south beach just to name a few. I have even tried to customize a diet plan with different principles from all the ones I did to no avail. After the mild heart attack I started looking into Wls and dismissed it because I found and focused on all the bad the surgery brought and none of the good. It was my excuse I wasn't ready. I think deep down inside I was scared of how people would treat me if I actually lost the weight. I was scared that the one person I had fallen in love with would no longer love me if I lost my weight. In June of 2010 I once again decided it was time to get healthy. I started going back to the doctor, started eating right, started exercising started taking meds. But I have had many setbacks. The difference these last few years and before is that I am not willing to through my hands in the air and say ok so I won't lose weight. The farther along I go the more roadblocks that I hit the more I realize the weight has to come off. In the last two years I have had to have a surgery to stop menstrual bleeding because I was bleeding to much, to repair my foot because the exercise caused problems. I have had so many coritsone shots in my back, my hips, my feet, and my knees. I cringe going to the doctor because I am so tired of shots. I'm on insulin three different kinds, metformin, blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, depression meds, meds to help me sleep, meds to help me not get headaches all the time, not to mention taking a daily vitamin and supplements that my nutritionist advises me to take. I'm tired of hurting, struggling, feeling bad. I asked God for help and I found this place so I started reading. I have read about the good, the bad and the ugly of this type of surgery. I plan on reading and knowing more. I have made the commitment to do what I need to do to have this surgery. I am well aware of the risks involved in this surgery and have used those as an excuse to not use this tool for what it was meant to do help me. I have been told that as it stands if I don't do something to lose the weight I will be in a wheel chair in a year. I have a five year old I don't want that for me or him. So after reading and reading and reading some more I came to the decision that I was going to have the surgery. I started by telling my family that I was going to move forward with doing what I had to do to have the surgery. Building my support group. Before I said nothing to anyone about it, this was something I was going to do for myself. Then I told my friends and just recently been telling my health care providers this is the road I want to take. The more people I tell the more free I feel. I have been met with so much love and support that I know I am going down the right path. When I told my husband I wanted to have the surgery he told me that he was all for it and looked forward to the day he could do something he has wanted to do since we got married 18 years ago and that is to carry my over the threshold. I didn't realize that was something he wanted and had kept from me. Since embarking on this journey this time I can actually see the future and me in a healthier state. There are risks to this surgery but the way I see it my life without this surgery is only going to get worse. My body and health cannot tolerate this weight and I've tried many times over to lose it to no avail. I have gained lots of weight since being married. But then I stopped gaining weight and found that I can't lose. The last two years its like I have hit a plateau and I can't lose weight, month after month I go to the doctor for check ups and month after month despite exercise and eating right and yet no weight comes off. The more steps I have taken towards this surgery the better I am feeling about myself. I hate the hospital and hate being sick and injured. I hate being down. I have always had a deep down fear that if I stay down to long I will never get up again and the longer I wait for this surgery the more that fear is going to come true. I am going through with this for me because I want to be healthy. I know that before I wasn't in a place that I was ready for this but I know now that I am. This is a journey for the rest of my life and I am embracing it. I turn 40 next month and maybe this little fact has had a lot to do with the decision. I just look back on my life and while I have a marriage to a great man, a beautiful little boy I'm not happy. Some of the things I am most proud of that I have done I don't practice and do to much because I just don't have the energy and when I do have the energy I hurt to bad to move. Well look out world here I come.
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