Getting started
I have decided it's time I leave my marriage of almost 25 years! I had thought of doing so about 1.5 years ago, but had other crises to deal with that needed the attention more. I have a summer where things are fairly calm and I should be able to devote myself to this new, and very hard, project. I've talked with my sister, I am looking for a therapist, I guess I need to find an apartment in Brooklyn, and I need to figure out how to talk with whom when! Specifically, do I talk to my husband now? or only once I've found a therapist and/or an apartment? I'm really rather lost. Any thoughts anyone out there in cyberspace?
Replies
I definitely think go and talk to a therapist first. Get your mind in the position you want to have it in, then tell him about your intentions.
I am taking the liberty to assume that you have counted the cost and consequences both good and bad once you take step of separating. I thought of connecting with you, since you were in long relationship (married) for 25 years. I too was in a committed live in relationship of 20 long years or i would rather say short years. On re reading your post, it seems that you have given this decision lots of thought and time of 1.5 years. I believe that you should not SPRING A SURPRISE on your partner even if you do not like or love that person any more. Think of the wonderful times together and give him the opportunity of being informed in sufficient advance. Thats how i feel.
I agree about not surprising my husband. IT\'s a very hard thing to think about upending our lives this way, and I stepped back from doing so a year and a half ago. Obviously though I still feel like it\'s not working for me. I don\'t wish my husband any ill will, I just want to live in a happier environment day to day than what I have now. 20+ years of history, habits, and community are very hard to disrupt! I think I owe myself the move though!
It sucks to be pondering breaking up a long time marriage. I feel distant, guilty, and and on edge much of the time when I\'m at home. I don\'t want to open up the discussion until after I\'ve talked things through with a therapist (and I\'m working on that), so in the mean time I have to live with this netherworld. And of course, my emotional distance only makes my husband more prickly. It\'s a very uncomfortable position to be in!