Getting Over This Bad Cold/Couldnt Make It At Target

I’m here.  I’ve been quiet because I’m trying to get over this nasty cold I got my from daughter and grandson on this last trip.  We got home last Tuesday and I started with it late Thursday.  Friday wasn’t too bad but Saturday and Sunday were horrible!  I can see why this one “knocked” them out too.  I kept thinking it could be worse – I hoped not – but this one was pretty bad.  Just lots of pain and sinus drainage.  Miserable but the good news is I’m better now.   I’m supposed to be going to my therapist’s just to watch my little grandson in the waiting area late this afternoon.  But I read on my daughter’s boyfriend’s Facebook today that he’s sick, at work and wants to be home in bed.  Looks like he finally caught it, too.  Well, they cancelled last week with her because the 2 of them were sick.  I wonder if they’ll cancel today.  They do have a tendency to cancel and rearrange times a lot.  Well, only time will tell.    I’ve been looking for a certain kind of Propel water.  I’ve never liked water and this is the only water I’ll drink and I am really working on drinking more – I am.  This trip I didn’t, nor being sick I haven’t been that good about it.  But I have to get back to it.  It’s good for you, and for me, it helps me expand my bladder to hold more and wait longer.    Well I haven’t been able to find my flavor water nor the top of top I like.  I was pretty stocked up for a while but now I only have 2 left.  I’ve been looking (with my husband) since Friday night and they are no where in town.  I hope they haven’t stopped making the flavor or the top.  The top is the kind you can close and it takes me a while to drink a bottle and I tend to chew on it.  Makes for nice chewing … sounds crazy, I know.  But everyone has their little tricks what works for them.  So I’ll try again this afternoon.  Maybe a different area of town.   So I was out running around looking for this water going store to store this afternoon.  I got to Target and I needed to go to the bathroom.  I had to go in the car and when I got there I knew as soon as I got out of the car I wouldn’t be able to hold it.  I just wanted to go in and look so see if they had it.  I haven’t been successful all day finding what I want – I have a feeling they’re discontinuing it – the flavor and those cool tops.  Too bad!  I get out of the car and all I could tell myself was to hold it.  Hold those muscles as tight as I could and just walk in.  Walk to the restroom first.  So I got out and little dribbles came out but I was holding most of it and I just walked.  Well, I’m walking and it’s just coming out more & more.  I kept wondering if anyone was looking, watching me.  Either employees or other shoppers.  It got so bad that I couldn’t even make it to the restrooms and turned around and walked out.  I had put my jacket around my waist just before I went in just in case – even zipped it and looked ridiculous – but by now I know it was showing beneath the jacket going lower and lower on my pants legs.  I walked out back to my car, put some plastic down to protect the seats and felt like a failure!  A failure!  Why couldn’t I control this?  It’s just not fair … not fair!  I don’t want to get into this shame mode.  I’m trying not to.  I don’t even want to tell my therapist this time because I am so tired of working on this problem with her.  I’m so tired of this problem.  We need to work on other things.  If I’m still feeling badly about it by the time I see her on Thursday maybe I’ll say something just so that hopefully she’ll be able to help me get me out of this shame mode.  Talking about it for a few minutes sometimes helps me be able to move on.  But I really don’t want to – I just want to forget it!    Everything went fine while I babysat my grandson at my therapist’s office.  A little creepy since the last time I was so mad at her I couldn’t look at her.  But really I only see her very shortly 2 times.  When she gets them and when they exchange people and not when they leave.  They don’t see her again for over 3 weeks.  That’s a long time.  I like the time one on one I get to spend with my grandson there.    There was a real nice lady in the waiting area that came in to see another therapist towards the end.  It was very nice because we just talked – didn’t even know her.  That’s how friendly I am.  My daughter even looked at me like, “Who is that?”  I shrugged like I didn’t know her.  Just someone who was friendly, too.  A couple times ago I was talking to an older gentleman and my therapist asked me if I knew him.  No – just being friendly.  I know, I need to make more friends so badly.  I need to get out there and do stuff again like I used to.  I’m so scared to do that.  I’m also so scared to get close.  Something casual like today is fine but not for long term.  Scares me but it shouldn’t.  See … these are the kinds of things I need to be working on, too.  I met them after to see my little granddaughter.  All the hugs & kisses you would ever want.  All the “My Nana!  My Nana!  I missed you.” you would ever want.  It just breaks my heart what she’s going through.  It was hard dividing my time between her and my grandson especially when they are both wanting me and calling for me at the same time.  But I love it!  I once was separated from my parents for 5 weeks when I was 7 turning 8 years old.  Reminds me of that and really touches my heart.  Brings back not the best memories.  I did better about being there with all those plaques of my best friend.  But earlier when I was gone guess who called my house?  My best friend’s sister.  Now that’s a story in itself.  She’ll have to wait – I’ll call her Thursday from my therapist’s.  Hope she answers or calls me back there.  Wonder if she’s been there to see.  I’ll have to tell her.