getting on with life
well we're home together again, its been 4 months since my partner came home, and we're doing OK. Lots of appointments, with people to check in on him, incase he does something random, but helpful mostly. Psychiatrist, Neuro Surgeon, Probation, ABI Rehab Therapist, sex therapist, we're constantly checking the calendar, and i'm always taking time off work, to get to one appointment or another. this week we had to appear in "court" for his professional misconduct hearing, but they didn't want to "hear" anything, they just believed that what happened in court must have been the "whole story" and guilty of not knowing what you're doing, must be the same as doing it purposely, with intent to hurt someone.
NOT! That's my biggest frustration, and i just don't know how to counter it. I want the world to know that he's injured, and broken, and was dancing for years, with this disability, but too frightened to let anyone know. The Dr's reports go back to 1982 and the drugs 2001, and the help we were trying to get back to 2007 & 8 when he first acted out against me - and that's when we first realized something wasn't quite right - but the family Quack diagnosed Bi-Polar disorder,
NOT! we've also heard Frontal Lobe Epilepsy - that one dates back to 1982, more reccently Depression, Anxiety, BP, then Conversion Disorder, when they couldn't find an electrical signal in the brain to match their Epilepsy patterns, but that was no different in other patients on the ward, who had been seen in Grand Mal seizure - so how faulty is that science? now we finally have a positive diagnosis of Post Concussion Syndrome, but we're still trying to get the insurance to see that, and we'll still never know what happened that one weekend, when our lives fell apart, and we'll never repair the opinions people may now have of him, professionally he's ruined, and the depression about that hits him sometimes.
He paints, he writes, (if you could call it that - my brilliant formerly published Geologist, and Masters applicant in Education, and Womens studies - can't determine the past tense from the present, can't spell names, and can't chose which version of "their" is correct) he plays piano, and guitar, and i love him - he tries to complete chores, and household renovations, but mostly just demo's the start of the job, and then has to give up somewhere along the task for fatigue, frustration, headache, and loss of focus. His brain just doesn't work the way it used to. Sometimes he's up, and jovial, and fine, and others, he's a complete basket case. Sour, and quick to anger, and argumentative, confused, he forgets what has happened, and can't figure out what day it is, and why he can't go to work, or drive a car, or finish a task or even a sentence.
I miss him, i miss the freedoms, of what we used to be, i miss not having to think twice everytime i say something, in case i say the wrong thing, and piss him off, walking on eggshells, when he's not feeling right, i miss being able to play the radio and go on drives, just to chat, and watch the scenery. i miss being able to go to social functions, and not have to worry about where we go, and who could possibly see us, and how they're going to react.
I'm sorry, i know compared to many on this board, i have no reason to complain, and i have no right to be sad about what we've become, as their loved ones are in a coma, or just waking up, or barely able to feed themselves, or push the wheelchair, and for those people i truly feel compassion, and respect, and hope for their situation. But what about mine? How do i get my former friends to understand what he went through? How do i restore his professional name? How do i bring attention to this situation, and what others could experience without even knowing it? i can only do so much, support him, get him to appointments, champion his recovery, fight his battles with lawyers, Doctors, and Insurance.
I hope its enough.
NOT! That's my biggest frustration, and i just don't know how to counter it. I want the world to know that he's injured, and broken, and was dancing for years, with this disability, but too frightened to let anyone know. The Dr's reports go back to 1982 and the drugs 2001, and the help we were trying to get back to 2007 & 8 when he first acted out against me - and that's when we first realized something wasn't quite right - but the family Quack diagnosed Bi-Polar disorder,
NOT! we've also heard Frontal Lobe Epilepsy - that one dates back to 1982, more reccently Depression, Anxiety, BP, then Conversion Disorder, when they couldn't find an electrical signal in the brain to match their Epilepsy patterns, but that was no different in other patients on the ward, who had been seen in Grand Mal seizure - so how faulty is that science? now we finally have a positive diagnosis of Post Concussion Syndrome, but we're still trying to get the insurance to see that, and we'll still never know what happened that one weekend, when our lives fell apart, and we'll never repair the opinions people may now have of him, professionally he's ruined, and the depression about that hits him sometimes.
He paints, he writes, (if you could call it that - my brilliant formerly published Geologist, and Masters applicant in Education, and Womens studies - can't determine the past tense from the present, can't spell names, and can't chose which version of "their" is correct) he plays piano, and guitar, and i love him - he tries to complete chores, and household renovations, but mostly just demo's the start of the job, and then has to give up somewhere along the task for fatigue, frustration, headache, and loss of focus. His brain just doesn't work the way it used to. Sometimes he's up, and jovial, and fine, and others, he's a complete basket case. Sour, and quick to anger, and argumentative, confused, he forgets what has happened, and can't figure out what day it is, and why he can't go to work, or drive a car, or finish a task or even a sentence.
I miss him, i miss the freedoms, of what we used to be, i miss not having to think twice everytime i say something, in case i say the wrong thing, and piss him off, walking on eggshells, when he's not feeling right, i miss being able to play the radio and go on drives, just to chat, and watch the scenery. i miss being able to go to social functions, and not have to worry about where we go, and who could possibly see us, and how they're going to react.
I'm sorry, i know compared to many on this board, i have no reason to complain, and i have no right to be sad about what we've become, as their loved ones are in a coma, or just waking up, or barely able to feed themselves, or push the wheelchair, and for those people i truly feel compassion, and respect, and hope for their situation. But what about mine? How do i get my former friends to understand what he went through? How do i restore his professional name? How do i bring attention to this situation, and what others could experience without even knowing it? i can only do so much, support him, get him to appointments, champion his recovery, fight his battles with lawyers, Doctors, and Insurance.
I hope its enough.
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